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The Navy Lark - Announcers and Introductions

The Navy Lark was a BBC radio comedy written by Laurie Wyman and George Evans about the mis-adventures of a Royal Navy detachment based on an island off Portsmouth and later on the fictional Royal Navy frigate - HMS Troutbridge.

The show was first aired on The Light Programme in 1959 and ran for fifteen series until 1976 making it one of the longest running radio programmes the BBC has made.

The main characters of The Navy Lark are: Cheif Petty Officer Pertwee, played by Jon Pertwee; Sub Lieutenant Phillips, played by Leslie Phillips and The Number One, which was played by Dennis Price in the first series and Stephen Murray from then on. The rest of the regular characters were played by Richard Caldicot, Ronnie Barker, Tenniel Evans, Michael Bates and Heather Chasen.

Each episode an announcer would present the three stars of the show at the beginning and close the episode with a short phrase. For series 1 to 14 the plot of the episode was setup by the announcer, often with cast interaction. For the last series the plot setup changed to a short scene with the normal cast.

The announcers would often interact with the show's characters and there were running gags over several episodes: Robin Boyle searching for a 15-sided nut or having a Saucy Lillian Gish calendar pinched, and Michael De Morgan's appearance being ridiculed by the crew.

For the first series the order of the three main stars was the same for each episode. From the second series onwards the order alternated for each recording.


The following announcers took part in the Navy Lark.

Announcers

No of Episodes

Robin Boyle

114 *

Michael De Morgan

57.5 +

Ronald Fletcher

19

Barri Haynes

13

David Dunhill

12

Don Durbridge

6

Michael Meech

3

Unknown 9

3

Unknown 1 - Tim Gudgin

2.5 -

Colin Berry

2

Unknown 2 + 14 - Roy Williamson

2

Unknown 6

2

Unknown 11

2

Unknown 13 - Colin Doran

2

David Geary

1.5 -

Jon Curle

1

Unknown 12 - John Dunn

1

Unknown 3

1

Unknown 4

1

Unknown 5

1

Unknown 7 - Jimmy Kingsbury

1

Unknown 8

1

Unknown 10

1

Unknown 15

1

Unknown 16

1

Alastair Scott-Johnston

0.5 +

Notes:

* Includes Hitting the Ice Flow (A non-broadcast message sent to the British Antarctic Survey Team at Christmas in 1965)

+ Series 12, Episode 10 - Intro/Opening by Michael De Morgan - Outro by Alastair Scott-Johnston

- Series 1, Episode 2 - Intro/Opening by Tim Gudgin - Outro by David Geary


There are currently 16 announcers un-identified that presented shows early in the run of the show. A compilation of their voices can be found here.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=V1YCErR4RNc.

If you can help identify any of the voices please leave a comment on the video or in The Navy Lark Facebook Group.

The list will be updated with suggestions as any are received.



This is a list of the episodes of the Navy Lark and the BBC Radio Announcers that took part in each show, as well as the opening We present of the three main stars, the episode introduction and the closing Have been....

The buttons can be used to hide or display the We present, Introduction or Closing for each episode.

The Navy Lark - Series 1 - 29th March 1959 to 12th July 1959

Series 1, Episode 1: The Missing Jeep

Announcer: David Geary

Ladies and gentlemen we present The Navy Lark with our three stars Dennis Price, Jon Pertwee and Leslie Phillips.

We all have our cross to bear and in the case of Commander Shaw, an inspecting officer at Naval HQ at Portsmouth, it's a corker. The constant thorn in his side is a detachment stationed on an island which, unfortunately for him, is just out of telescope range of his office window. What makes that so maddening is that although he can't see if they are up to something - he knows they are.
Working their passage in

Series 1, Episode 2: Operation Fag End

Announcer: Intro Tim Gudgin // Credits David Geary

Ladies and gentlemen we present The Navy Lark with our three stars Dennis Price, Jon Pertwee and Leslie Phillips.

Problems and headaches come from a variety of sources. The Navy is no exception to this rule but in their case the problems and headaches always come from exactly the same source - a detachment on a small island a few miles off Portsmouth.
Working their passage in

Series 1, Episode 3: Number One's Chair

Announcer: Robin Boyle

Ladies and gentlemen we present The Navy Lark with our three stars Dennis Price, Jon Pertwee and Leslie Phillips.

Nowadays, ordinary daily shopping seems to get more and more expensive. Fortunately for a Naval Detachment on a small island off Portsmouth they never have to go shopping - they just indent from stores. And they claim, with some justification, that no other unit makes a bigger dent in the stores than they do. But that's only one of the complaints of the Inspecting Officer from Portsmouth.
Having their fun

Series 1, Episode 4: The Fairground Lights

Announcer: Roy Williamson

Ladies and gentlemen we present The Navy Lark with our three stars Dennis Price, Jon Pertwee and Leslie Phillips.

There's an old adage that you should be content with your lot. However, if you're the Admiralty and your lot is a right mob on an island off Portsmouth, the last thing you'll be is content. Anxious, terrified, panic stricken possibly but content? No! In fact, your only hope is to keep them occupied 25 hours a day with extra duties when things get desperate.
Working their passage in

Series 1, Episode 5: The Comfort Fund

Announcer: Robin Boyle

Ladies and gentlemen we present The Navy Lark with our three stars Dennis Price, Jon Pertwee and Leslie Phillips.

We all have our financial worries. Whether it's the rent which can't be due again already, the HP payment on that car which collapsed when you got it home or the demands of that thieving little meter that the Gas Board tucked away under the stairs when you weren't looking. Well, our Naval Detachment on the island off Portsmouth also have difficulties in making ends meet. Naturally their books balance absolutely perfectly, the problem is to make them balance sufficiently well to have enough over to buy the wardroom gin without being caught when the books are inspected.
Working their passage in

Series 1, Episode 6: Stuck Up The Inlet

Announcer: ? Unknown 3

Ladies and gentlemen we present The Navy Lark with our three stars Dennis Price, Jon Pertwee and Leslie Phillips.

Most people agree that exercise does you good. However if the exercise is a Naval one with the Home Fleet, our Island Detachment are unanimously agreed that it's liable to do them no good what so ever. A sentiment fully shared by Commander Povey, the Inspecting Officer from Portsmouth.
Working their passage in

Series 1, Episode 7: The Admiral's Party

Announcer: ? Unknown 4

Ladies and gentlemen we present The Navy Lark with our three stars Dennis Price, Jon Pertwee and Leslie Phillips.

Unexpected guests are always a problem, and sometimes expected guests can be too, particularly if their visit is an official one. Our Island Detachment find that out when it's their turn to be mother with the tea pot for a high-ranking officer from the Admiralty.
Working their passage in

Series 1, Episode 8: The Hank Of Heather

Announcer: Robin Boyle

Ladies and gentlemen we present The Navy Lark with our three stars Dennis Price, Jon Pertwee and Leslie Phillips.

It's always pleasant to remember old friends and the good time you had together. The trouble begins years afterwards when the old friends look you up and start reminding you of them.
Working their passage in

Series 1, Episode 9: The Multiple Mines

Announcer: Robin Boyle

Ladies and gentlemen we present The Navy Lark with our three stars Dennis Price, Jon Pertwee and Leslie Phillips.

All work and no play makes Jack a dull boy to say the least. But when it's all play and no work - the Jolly Jacks on our Island Draft are all right, mate. Particularly when they get shore leave in Portsmouth.
Working their passage in

Series 1, Episode 10: The Gun Mechanism Test

Announcer: ? Unknown 5

Ladies and gentlemen we present The Navy Lark with our three stars Dennis Price, Jon Pertwee and Leslie Phillips.

We all have our secrets but the one our Naval Draft on the island have is a big one they wish somebody else had kept.
Working their passage in

Series 1, Episode 11: The Whittlesea Bay Yacht Regatta

Announcer: ? Unknown 6

Ladies and gentlemen we present The Navy Lark with our three stars Dennis Price, Jon Pertwee and Leslie Phillips.

A lot of people feel that there's a great deal of fun to be had from messing about in boats. Our Island Draft find the trouble starts when you mess about with the people who are in the boats.
Working their passage in

Series 1, Episode 12: The Psychology Test

Announcer: ? Unknown 6

Ladies and gentlemen we present The Navy Lark with our three stars Dennis Price, Jon Pertwee and Leslie Phillips.

We all have to face tests at some time or another. Even if it's merely to see if a whopping great box of detergent has made our elderly shirts whiter than grey. Our Naval Draft however prefer not to face tests, they back away from them furiously. As indeed they back away from everything that originates from The Admiralty.
Working their passage in

Series 1, Episode 13: A Watch On The Initiative Test

Announcer: Robin Boyle

Ladies and gentlemen we present The Navy Lark with our three stars Dennis Price, Jon Pertwee and Leslie Phillips.

The spirit of adventure is in all of us whether it's the sustained courage that takes a man to the top of Everest or the wild burst of bravado that takes a drunk across Oxford Street in the rush hour. Our Island Draft however prefer to avoid all forms of adventure altogether particularly when they're inspired by their Lordships at The Admiralty.
Working their passage in

Series 1, Episode 14: An Exercise In Filming

Announcer: Robin Boyle

Ladies and gentlemen we present The Navy Lark with our three stars Dennis Price, Jon Pertwee and Leslie Phillips.

Now we all want to be in films. Whether we look like Richard Todd after six weeks in the sun or Boris Karloff after six all-night parties. However, getting into films is one thing, getting out of them can be an even wiser move as our Island Draft learn the hard way.
Working their passage in

Series 1, Episode 15: The Smuggling Spy

Announcer: Tim Gudgin

Ladies and gentlemen we present The Navy Lark with our three stars Dennis Price, Jon Pertwee and Leslie Phillips.

It's nice to have odd people dropping in, provided it's not a little man in a flat cap who wants to cut off a supply of something. The people who visit our Island Draft are not only odd but usually drop in to drop them in it.
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Series 1, Episode 16: The Whittlesea Carnival and Fete

Announcer: Tim Gudgin

Ladies and gentlemen we present The Navy Lark with our three stars Dennis Price, Jon Pertwee and Leslie Phillips.

There are social events in all walks of life connected with one's work. Whether it's the office Christmas party where you pull a cracker with the Boss and make quite sure he gets the hat, cap or novelty or the business lunch you enjoy because you thought it was on him, and hate when it's on you after all. Our Naval draft have their social disasters too.
Working their passage in

The Navy Lark - Series 2 - 16th October 1959 to 08th April 1960

Series 2, Episode 1: New At The Helm

Announcer: Robin Boyle

Ladies and gentlemen we present The Navy Lark with our three stars Stephen Murray, Jon Pertwee and Leslie Phillips.

Whilst we've all been paddling our tootsies at Penzance or licking cornets in Clacton, our Island Draft have been home on leave. However all good things come to an end and much to their various relatives' relief our lot are on their way back to duty in the launch.
Working their passage in

Series 2, Episode 2: Fatso's Box Brownie

Announcer: Robin Boyle

Ladies and gentlemen we present The Navy Lark with our three stars Jon Pertwee, Leslie Phillips and Stephen Murray.

Well it's just as well that birthdays come but once a year or we should all be up to our ears in hand knitted socks and gaudy ties. Luckily, a forgotten uncle usually sends us a few bob so we can go out to celebrate and forget things. Things like those terrible socks and horrible ties.
Working their passage in

Series 2, Episode 3: Bringing Back The Barge

Announcer: Jimmy Kingsbury

Ladies and gentlemen we present The Navy Lark with our three stars Leslie Phillips, Stephen Murray and Jon Pertwee.

Well we all have our own forms of transport troubles. Whether it's having to wait for the next bus that's 'right behind' and never is, or being the one sardine too many in the tube, or trying to hail taxi drivers that just don't want to know. Even if you are an Admiral and you have your own barge, he he, you can still come unstuck.
Working their passage in

Series 2, Episode 4: The Mock Action

Announcer: Robin Boyle

Ladies and gentlemen we present The Navy Lark with our three stars Stephen Murray, Jon Pertwee and Leslie Phillips.

It's no good telling our Island Draft that Edison Bell invented the telephone. They are convinced it was George Stephenson because the only thing they ever get out of a phone is a rocket. Today is no exception.
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Series 2, Episode 5: Going Dutch

Announcer: Robin Boyle

Ladies and gentlemen we present The Navy Lark with our three stars Jon Pertwee, Leslie Phillips and Stephen Murray.

When it comes to popping the question, we all have a different approach. Some chance it with their rheumatism and get down on one knee, others ask 'How about it Girl?' during a lull from the jukebox, while a chap like Sub Lieutenant Phillips forgets what the question was anyhow.
Working their passage in

Series 2, Episode 6: The Figurehead

Announcer: Robin Boyle

Ladies and gentlemen we present The Navy Lark with our three stars Leslie Phillips, Stephen Murray and Jon Pertwee.

Well the Government has declared that our continued greater prosperity depends largely on increased trade and no potential market must remain untapped. Now this is a sentiment which is heartily endorsed by Chief Petty Officer Pertwee.
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Series 2, Episode 7: Gunboat to Gumba

Announcer: ? Unknown 8

Ladies and gentlemen we present The Navy Lark with our three stars Stephen Murray, Jon Pertwee and Leslie Phillips.

An Englishman is entitled to his own point of view and the right to express it freely. This applies whether it's a right rollicking over the fence about next door's yapping dog, or the solemn, quiet dignity of a Parliamentary debate in the House.
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Series 2, Episode 8: Johnson Finds Treasure

Announcer: ? Unknown 9

Ladies and gentlemen we present The Navy Lark with our three stars Jon Pertwee, Leslie Phillips and Stephen Murray.

To run an office in the services efficiently you need a strict routine, a devoted staff, tidiness and some Herbert who can make tea. The one thing you don't need is Sub Lieutenant Phillips, his cups of tea are like rancid gruel.
Working their passage in

Series 2, Episode 9: The Charter Trip To Antarctica

Announcer: ? Unknown 10

Ladies and gentlemen we present The Navy Lark with our three stars Leslie Phillips, Stephen Murray and Jon Pertwee.

For many months now our Island Draft have been landing smartly in the muck. It's usually their own fault but this time it was a meeting of geographical enthusiasts a hundred miles away that dumped them in it again.
Working their passage in

Series 2, Episode 10: Cementing Relations

Announcer: Robin Boyle

Ladies and gentlemen we present The Navy Lark with our three stars Stephen Murray, Jon Pertwee and Leslie Phillips.

If ever a thing got the right name it's a waiting room. Whether it's the one on Paddington Station or at the doctor's surgery or the jolly little home from home in faded brown distemper outside The Admiral's office. Whichever it is - you'll wait, and wait, and wait.
Working their passage in

Series 2, Episode 11: Strike Up The Band

Announcer: ? Unknown 9.

Ladies and gentlemen we present The Navy Lark with our three stars Jon Pertwee, Leslie Phillips and Stephen Murray.

Whenever people decide to clear out a cupboard for you, they not only find that pair of tatty trousers that would do for gardening but never did, or that bottle of different coloured sands that was all mixed into a mud colour when you got it home, they also turn out a few skeletons as well. The Island Draft office cupboard is full of them naturally.
Working their passage in

Series 2, Episode 12: The Route March

Announcer: ? Unknown 9

Ladies and gentlemen we present The Navy Lark with our three stars Leslie Phillips, Stephen Murray and Jon Pertwee.

There have been many books printed on the art of public speaking – including my own. 'Announcing for Announcers', Bodwell and Bonce, fifteen shillings. But no matter how well that speech sounds and looks in front of the bathroom mirror – goodness knows how it will go on the night. Mr Phillips is the exception – his speeches sound terrible in the bathroom too.
Working their passage in

Series 2, Episode 13: The Trip Up The Thames

Announcer: Robin Boyle

Ladies and gentlemen we present The Navy Lark with our three stars Stephen Murray, Jon Pertwee and Leslie Phillips.

A day with the crowd at the London sales can be grim but when our crowd sail to London for the day it's wiser to stay at home if you don't want to get hit in the bargain basement. Well even if you live as far away as tropical Potarneyland you're not safe.
Working their passage in

Series 2, Episode 14: The Radar Talk Down System

Announcer: Robin Boyle

Ladies and gentlemen we present The Navy Lark with our three stars Jon Pertwee, Leslie Phillips and Stephen Murray.

Every day there are board meeting taking place at which monumental decisions have to be taken. Naturally, Admiralty have their little get togethers too and at these meetings, it's usually the Admiral who's board.
Working their passage in

Series 2, Episode 15: A Crisp Romance

Announcer: Robin Boyle

Ladies and gentlemen we present The Navy Lark with our three stars Leslie Phillips, Stephen Murray and Jon Pertwee.

The snag about keeping a secret is that the person you're sharing it with never keeps it as long as you do. This means just when you are about to divulge it in the strictest confidence to a third person, he tells you about it first. Well naturally our draft all have their little secrets too, they think.
Working their passage in

Series 2, Episode 16: The Lighthouse Lark

Announcer: Robin Boyle

Ladies and gentlemen we present The Navy Lark with our three stars Stephen Murray, Jon Pertwee and Leslie Phillips.

The British are famed for being able to weather a storm with the exception of my Aunt Mildred who, at the first clap of thunder, crouches under the stairs and knits something that doesn't fit anybody. However, when it rains on Commander Povey it's doubtful if any storm could weather his raging fury.
Working their passage in

Series 2, Episode 17: Pertwee Posted to Portsmouth

Announcer: ? Unknown 11

Ladies and gentlemen we present The Navy Lark with our three stars Jon Pertwee, Leslie Phillips and Stephen Murray.

For most of us life is full of little surprises like catching a bus that you thought was going to Kensington and finding yourself in Kennington. However, Chief Petty Officer Pertwee's life is not full of surprises as he always takes care that somebody tips him off beforehand.
Working their passage in

Series 2, Episode 18: Johnson's Diet

Announcer: ? Unknown 12 John Dunn

Ladies and gentlemen we present The Navy Lark with our three stars Leslie Phillips, Stephen Murray and Jon Pertwee.

In everyone's life there's always a day of reckoning. Usually it's a Monday, when you check the laundry they've let you have back eventually and find that Boiler suits, Gents, White, One is missing. Again. Something has gone wrong with the book keeping of course, but this can happen to anyone - even the Admiralty.
Working their passage in

Series 2, Episode 19: Tug Of War

Announcer: ? Unknown 11

Ladies and gentlemen we present The Navy Lark with our three stars Stephen Murray, Jon Pertwee and Leslie Phillips.

From time to time, even in the best run offices, one does have to do some work and to a man like our CO Lieutenant-Commander Stanton this is a ridiculous situation because it puts a temporary halt to his fishing activities.
Working their passage in

Series 2, Episode 20: Return to Portarneyland

Announcer: ? Unknown 16

Ladies and gentlemen we present The Navy Lark with our three stars Jon Pertwee, Leslie Phillips and Stephen Murray.

No matter what position we hold, an interview with one's superior can be very unnerving. Last time I asked the BBC for a two bob rise I spent ten bob on Scotch. I didn't get the rise either….. skinflints. However, in the Royal Navy, even Commander Povey cannot be said to be at his best when he is sent for by the Admiral.
Working their passage in

Series 2, Episode 21: The Cross Country Run

Announcer: Robin Boyle

Ladies and gentlemen we present The Navy Lark with our three stars Leslie Phillips, Stephen Murray and Jon Pertwee.

What ever job you have, be it ever so humble. Like announcing for instance. There's always some idiot who's after it. It was my turn to read the news yesterday but some youngster with a cut-glass voice beat me to the studio. Yes, pity it was one of those days when everything happened in Welsh towns. Of course (laughter), of course even in the Senior Service there are people waiting to jump into other people's shoes.
Working their passage in

Series 2, Episode 22: The Morning After

Announcer: Robin Boyle

Ladies and gentlemen we present The Navy Lark with our three stars Stephen Murray, Jon Pertwee and Leslie Phillips.

We all like going to parties. Last week the announcers had one of those parties where everybody brings a bottle. We had a marvellous time. It would have been better still if someone had brought a corkscrew. However it did save me from the morning after state that the Island Draft are suffering today.
Working their passage in

Series 2, Episode 23: The Admiral's Present

Announcer: Robin Boyle.

Ladies and gentlemen we present The Navy Lark with our three stars Jon Pertwee, Leslie Phillips and Stephen Murray.

It's always useful to meet one's superiors informally. I bumped into the Director General of the BBC today and we had a cosy little chat. He told me to look where I was thumping well going in future. However when Lieutenant-Commander Stanton and the Admiral meet, nobody knows where either of them are going.
Working their passage in

Series 2, Episode 24: Secret Mission To Calais

Announcer: Robin Boyle

Ladies and gentlemen we present The Navy Lark with our three stars Leslie Phillips, Stephen Murray and Jon Pertwee.

It's nice to get away from routine for a bit. Last week it was the announcers annual charabanc outing and we all went to John Snagge's place at Clacton. S'very nice too. Pie and chips nine-pence. Beats me how he makes a profit. Mind you when our Island Draft get away for a bit, they always end up a dead loss. Life can be a trying thing for Commander Povey too.
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Series 2, Episode 25: Mr Murray Goes Sick

Announcer: ? Unknown 13 Colin Doran

Ladies and gentlemen we present The Navy Lark with our three stars Stephen Murray, Jon Pertwee and Leslie Phillips.

Do you ever get one of those days when nothing goes right? I had one recently. During an interview on Woman's Hour, I picked up the wrong notes and told thousands of housewives to hoist their Shannons over their Fastnets. If any of them are listening at present, you can let go now ladies. On The Island certain events are occurring which will ensure that Number 1 has one of those days too.
Working their passage in

Series 2, Episode 26: The Potarneyland Fishing Limit

Announcer: ? Unknown 13 Colin Doran

Ladies and gentlemen for the last time in the current series we present The Navy Lark with our three stars Jon Pertwee, Leslie Phillips and Stephen Murray.

Entertaining a big noise can be a bit overwhelming as our vicar discovered when he invited Ted Heath to play for the harmonium fund in the Scouts' hut. However, when the Island Draft entertain the Admiral in their wardroom he leads them a fine old dance.
Working their passage in The Navy Lark written by Lawrie Wyman. In this programme which was the last of the current series

The Navy Lark - The Wrens' Reunion - 05th November 1960

The Navy Lark - The Wrens' Reunion

Performance at the Royal Festival Hall to celebrate 21 years of the Women's Royal Naval Service

The Navy Lark - Series 3 - 02nd November 1960 to 15th March 1961

Series 3, Episode 1: In Portsmouth for a Refit

Announcer: Robin Boyle

Ladies and gentlemen we present The Navy Lark with our three stars Stephen Murray, Jon Pertwee and Leslie Phillips.

Considering the number of glancing blows, accidental knocks, colossal clouts, biffs, bashes and wallops that HMS Troutbridge has suffered through our Draft's whimsical navigation, it's no surprise that She needs a Re-fit, desperately.
Working their passage in

Series 3, Episode 2: Refitting Ebeneezer Pertwee's Tug

Announcer: Robin Boyle

Ladies and gentlemen we present The Navy Lark with our three stars Jon Pertwee, Leslie Phillips and Stephen Murray.

Gardening is just the job for a fit man, particularly if you can afford a fit man to do the job. Now, personally, I just lend all my tools to my next-door neighbour and I never ask for them back. But however, even on board Troutbridge, Able Seaman Johnson has a very serious gardening problem.
Working their passage in

Series 3, Episode 3: Sea Trials of the Poppadom

Announcer: Robin Boyle

Ladies and gentlemen we present The Navy Lark with our three stars Leslie Phillips, Stephen Murray and Jon Pertwee.

We're all a bit helpless when we meet the chap in authority. Going home last week I had to stop my car at the lights and before they turned green a traffic warden booked me for parking. But however, when the officers of HMS Troutbridge have to meet Old Thunderguts they're not only helpless, they're terrified.
Working their passage in

Series 3, Episode 4: Mutiny Aboard Troutbridge

Announcer: Robin Boyle

Ladies and gentlemen we present The Navy Lark with our three stars Stephen Murray, Jon Pertwee and Leslie Phillips.

Few of us can resist a slot machine. Now the only thing I ever get out of them is a couple of tatty sweets the sun's got at or a weight card saying I'm three stone six and should stop being aggressive. But it's the Post Office who supply the slot machine for stamps just outside the squadron office that's got Able Seaman Johnson beaten.
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Series 3, Episode 5: The Explosive Biscuits

Announcer: Robin Boyle

Ladies and gentlemen we present The Navy Lark with our three stars Jon Pertwee, Leslie Phillips and Stephen Murray.

Teaching methods at school seem to have changed since my day. My daughter Caroline proudly informs me that the telephone was invented by Charles Dickens. It's eighty quid a term too. Well I mean in my day it was invented by a chap called Edison Lighthouse. But, whoever invented the beastly thing, it never seems to bring good news to Captain Povey in the squadron office.
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Series 3, Episode 6: Sir Willoughby Takes Over An Island

Announcer: Robin Boyle

Ladies and gentlemen we present The Navy Lark with our three stars Leslie Phillips, Stephen Murray and Jon Pertwee.

Isn't it odd how some people are always in trouble no matter how hard they try to please. I'm one of them. Last week I suddenly remembered I was on duty and just got to the studio in time to announce Saturday Night Theatre. It was as I got to the last name in the very long cast list I remembered it was Sunday. But the government have problem children as well, which is why there is a top level meeting going on at the moment at The Admiralty.
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Series 3, Episode 7: Mount Rumpus Atoll

Announcer: Robin Boyle

Ladies and gentlemen we present The Navy Lark with our three stars Stephen Murray, Jon Pertwee and Leslie Phillips.

High level conferences are always a worry to those awaiting the results. Like the ones between your bus driver and conductor outside the garage. Will they carry on, or shall we all have to get on the one that never is, right behind? But at Admiralty there's a NATO exercise meeting on right now - and it's Captain Povey who awaits the results of that one.
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Series 3, Episode 8: Mr Murray's Houseboat

Announcer: Robin Boyle

Ladies and gentlemen for the fiftieth time we present The Navy Lark with our three stars Jon Pertwee, Leslie Phillips and Stephen Murray.

Yes, this is the fiftieth show and my name is Robin Boyle. I mention these two things because after fifty weeks of being the Charlie who does this bit, Mrs Boyle and I reckon someone ought to get more money. Well, some people in this outfit have got plenty. Like our Number One for instance, he's even going out to buy his own boat from a mooring on the River Churn right now.
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Series 3, Episode 9: Johnson's Birthday

Announcer: Robin Boyle

Ladies and gentlemen this week HMS Troutbridge welcomes the serving ship's company of Her Majesty's Frigate Troubridge to a special edition of The Navy Lark with our three stars Leslie Phillips, Stephen Murray and Jon Pertwee.

If you happen to know Chief Petty Officer Pertwee your birthday becomes a day of sheer terror and suspense in case he's bought you something which will show him an enormous profit and you a devastating loss. Well last year I was lucky, He gave me a pawn ticket for a watch that turned out to be mine when I redeemed it. Today it's Able Seaman Johnson's birthday and he's locked himself in the stores aboard Troutbridge. Won't do any good, Pertwee'll get him!
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Series 3, Episode 10: Povey's Unexpected Leave

Announcer: Robin Boyle

Ladies and gentlemen we present The Navy Lark with our three stars Stephen Murray, Jon Pertwee and Leslie Phillips.

There are certain things every man's entitled to in life, for they're his heritage. Things like a flaming great rocket from his employer, or lumbago from gardening too long, or a chance to pay for fifty quids worth of wet weather and call it a holiday. Servicemen are to entitled to leave as well of course, always provided they haven't upset the chaps in the records office in the personnel section of their unit.
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Series 3, Episode 11: Families' Day

Announcer: Robin Boyle

Ladies and gentlemen we present The Navy Lark with our three stars Jon Pertwee, Leslie Phillips and Stephen Murray.

The trouble with relatives is that you don't get a chance to choose them. They're a dead lumber. I've got a certain maiden aunt who shouldn't even happen to an ITV announcer. Actually, I've just found out that the commercial TV mob don't have announcers they have Presentation Personnel. Now that's rather like calling my maiden aunt a sex kitten. But of course, HMS Troutbridge have their relatives too and even they have to meet them once a year on Families' Day.
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Series 3, Episode 12: The Falmouth Ghost Ship

Announcer: Robin Boyle

Ladies and gentlemen we present The Navy Lark with our three stars Leslie Phillips, Stephen Murray and Jon Pertwee.

They say that it's cheaper by rail and a neighbour of mine has proof for himself that it is. Mind you he happens to be an engine driver. But for Sir Willoughby Toddhunter-Brown and his wife it's cheaper by sea. No matter where they're sent the local inhabitants always seem to chuck them out again and Admiralty has to rapidly send a ship to fetch them. Troutbridge has just rescued them once more, and this time they're heading for Falmouth.
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Series 3, Episode 13: Onabushkan Flu

Announcer: Robin Boyle

Ladies and gentlemen we present The Navy Lark with our three stars Stephen Murray, Jon Pertwee and Leslie Phillips.

The great outdoor, fresh air life is supposed to help in preventing colds. All I know is that every time I do any gardening I catch a corker. Elastic legs, bunged up hooter – the lot! Luckily I hate gardening. But the great outdoor, fresh air life on Troutbridge hasn't helped them either. Most of the ship's company are in Sick Bay with something called Onabushkan Flu.
Working their passage in

Series 3, Episode 14: The Efficiency Expert

Announcer: Robin Boyle

Ladies and gentlemen we present The Navy Lark with our three stars Jon Pertwee, Leslie Phillips and Stephen Murray.

Like many of you, my wife and I are quite naturally house proud and very often we sit back in our armchairs and talk over the improvements we'd like to make in the home. Not big jobs, but little things like repairing the springs in those blooming armchairs before they do us a mischief. But when Captain Povey's at home he's never even allowed to sit in an armchair unless Mrs Povey's away. As she is today.
Working their passage in

Series 3, Episode 15: The Floggle Grummit Missile

Announcer: Robin Boyle

Ladies and gentlemen we present The Navy Lark with our three stars Leslie Phillips, Stephen Murray and Jon Pertwee.

A bone of contention in most homes is the bathroom. Why is it that whenever you want to use it there's always somebody else in it? Well at my place I've put my foot down. Mrs Boyle now agrees that Robin goes to the bathroom first in the mornings. She agrees if I go at Five a.m. A minute later she's in it first. Well the baths on Troutbridge are causing trouble at the moment too.
Working their passage in

Series 3, Episode 16: The Hitch-Hiking Counterfeiter

Announcer: Robin Boyle

Ladies and gentlemen we present The Navy Lark with our three stars Stephen Murray, Jon Pertwee and Leslie Phillips.

We all like to relax after a day's work. Some like to stare at the goggle box, some like to glue their fingers together and wreck the dining room table making model aeroplanes. Personally, I like holding knitting wool for my wife to wind... she tells me. The Navy of course, they like to pop into the local for a quick one, and so would I if I didn't have to hold that flaming wool.
Working their passage in

Series 3, Episode 17: Commodore Goldstein

Announcer: Robin Boyle

Ladies and gentlemen we present The Navy Lark with our three stars Jon Pertwee, Leslie Phillips and Stephen Murray.

Nothing does a chap so much good as an evening out with the boys. It does him even more good if the boys are paying for it. Unfortunately, when I'm out with them I usually find the boys have all mislaid their wallets, they've left their money in their other suits or they all swear blind they thought the party was on me anyway. Needless to say Troutbridge has at least one of that sort.
Working their passage in

Series 3, Episode 18: Mr Phillips Has Navigation Tuition

Announcer: Robin Boyle

Ladies and gentlemen we present The Navy Lark with our three stars Leslie Phillips, Stephen Murray and Jon Pertwee.

With everyone's domestic expenses there's usually one item which rocks the family budget. Well in our household I reckon it's Mrs Boyle's hairdos. She reckons it's Robin's Sunday morning pint of wallop. But the Director of Naval Expenditure however, he knows exactly who it is that's mucking up his books. HMS Troutbridge. It's for this reason he's sent for Captain Povey.
Working their passage in

Series 3, Episode 19: CPO Pertwee And The Laundry

Announcer: Robin Boyle

Ladies and gentlemen we present The Navy Lark with our three stars Stephen Murray, Jon Pertwee and Leslie Phillips.

My wife is always engaged in a running battle with our laundry. Their seven-day service usually takes nine days at least, and if there's a public holiday well then that's the last of Robin's little woolly vests for a month. The only time we can be sure they'll turn up with blinding efficiency is the week they put their prices up. Again. However, on Troutbridge C.P.O. Pertwee has a different sort of laundry problem altogether.
Working their passage in

Series 3, Episode 20: The Surprise Wedding

Announcer: Robin Boyle

Ladies and gentlemen for the last time in the current series, we present The Navy Lark with our three stars Jon Pertwee, Leslie Phillips and Stephen Murray.

Yes, it's time for the crew of H.M.S. Troutbridge to go on leave again. The time when the hearts of their families are filled with sheer stark terror at the prospect of having them at home – and Admiralty face the even grimmer prospect that it's only a matter of time before they'll be back again. Mind you, with Sub Lieutenant Phillips in charge of travelling arrangements, it's doubtful whether they'll ever go at all.
Working their passage in the last of the current series of

The Navy Lark - Series 4 - 15th September 1961 to 09th March 1962

Series 4, Episode 1: Returning From Leave

Announcer: Robin Boyle

Ladies and gentlemen for the first time in the new series we present The Navy Lark with our three stars Stephen Murray, Jon Pertwee and Leslie Phillips.

Do you ever get one of those days when everything goes right? You get a seat on the bus, you put a bob on an outsider, it wins a couple of quid and even the wife won't let you do the washing up. Well last time I had one it was on a Tuesday in 1928. But, you know, Admiralty they aren't having a good day today because it's the day the crew of H.M.S. Troutbridge return from leave to their ship now waiting for them in Portsmouth. And days don't come any worse than that.
Working their passage in

Series 4, Episode 2: Captain Povey's Spy

Announcer: Robin Boyle

Ladies and gentlemen we present The Navy Lark with our three stars Jon Pertwee, Leslie Phillips and Stephen Murray.

When one gets summoned to a high level meeting by one's bosses it generally means one of two things: either you're in the muck or they are. Well today, Captain Povey's been sent for by Admiralty to attend a top level meeting. At present he still doesn't know whether to apologise for what ever it was he did or to offer to do all he can to assist.
Working their passage in

Series 4, Episode 3: The Secret Of Nessie's Youth

Announcer: Robin Boyle

Ladies and gentlemen we present The Navy Lark with our three stars Leslie Phillips, Stephen Murray and Jon Pertwee.

Now there are several things that can occur with boats. Er… You can mess about in them, you can be messed about by them or if you're anything like the mob on Troutbridge you can just be a right old mess. For the past five… It's true! Thankyou. For the past five days they've been at sea in Troutbridge, an event which has pleased none of them with the exception of the newly wed Captain Lieutenant-Commander Stanton.
Working their passage in

Series 4, Episode 4: The Northampton Hunt Ball

Announcer: Robin Boyle

Ladies and gentlemen we present The Navy Lark with our three stars Stephen Murray, Jon Pertwee and Leslie Phillips.

Life is full of little surprises for most people, particularly when the postman calls at breakfast time. Well he never surprises me, I know what I'm going to get. Another tax demand that says pay in seven days or we'll have all the furniture removed including the bath. Or a bill from the garage for repairing the parts on the car that broke down again the day afterwards, you know. However, someone that is in for some surprising mail is Chief Petty Officer Pertwee.
Working their passage in

Series 4, Episode 5: Hijacked!

Announcer: Robin Boyle

Ladies and gentlemen we present The Navy Lark with our three stars Jon Pertwee, Leslie Phillips and Stephen Murray.

[Robin] Now I've had an absolutely shocking week. On Monday the wife followed a couple of…
[Povey] Excuse me Mr Boyle I…I'm most frightfully sorry to trouble you.
[Robin] Err what is it Captain Povey?
[Povey] Well, do you think you could cut this a little bit short I… I have an urgent appointment with The Director of Naval Expenditure and I'm terribly late now.
[Robin] You see? I told you, it's a shocking week. Robin doesn't even get a chance to say his funny piece. Poor devil. Yes. Well, I'd better let Captain Povey get to his appointment at the Admiralty I suppose.
Working their passage in

Series 4, Episode 6: Admiral Troutbridge

Announcer: Robin Boyle

Ladies and gentlemen we present The Navy Lark with our three stars Leslie Phillips, Stephen Murray and Jon Pertwee.

[Robin] Birthdays are one of two things. If they're yours they're exciting, if they're somebody else's they're flaming expensive.
[Pertwee] Yeah, alright get a move on Robin, my son, get a move on. You're holding up the ship's celebration nosh up.
[Robin] Sorry pardon Chief. Well, as you've gathered there's a birthday party aboard Troutbridge…
[Pertwee] Yeah, at least there would be if you'd belt up, Robin.
[Robin] Alright! Well the wardroom are celebrating the birthday of the late Admiral Troutbridge, and mine's a gin if you can spare one.
Working their passage in

Series 4, Episode 7: Relatives And Reservations

Announcer: Robin Boyle

Ladies and gentlemen we present The Navy Lark with our three stars Stephen Murray, Jon Pertwee and Leslie Phillips.

The snag about having relatives to stay is that that's exactly what they do do. Usually for months and months. Now one exception to this is Mrs Povey's sister who never outstays her welcome as far as Captain Povey's concerned. She can't very well outstay it when she's not even welcome in the first place, can she? Alas and alack and pity poor Povey for her annual visit is just about to start.
Working their passage in

Series 4, Episode 8: Humgrummits On The High Seas

Announcer: Robin Boyle

Ladies and gentlemen we present The Navy Lark with our three stars Jon Pertwee, Leslie Phillips and Stephen Murray.

There are times in a man's life when he feels like changing his profession. Now for an announcer this can be a bit tricky as the only alternative method of using one's talent for talking good seems to be from behind a barrow shouting "lovely ripe tomatoes". But, err, the pay is better but the barrows are flaming heavy to shove around you know. But C.P.O. Pertwee however is all set to find another profession for his talents.
Working their passage in

Series 4, Episode 9: Are Captain And Mrs Povey Married?

Announcer: ? Unknown 14 Roy Williamson

Ladies and gentlemen we present The Navy Lark with our three stars Leslie Phillips, Stephen Murray and Jon Pertwee.

They say that marriage is a wonderful institution. Well, to be more exact I don't know whether 'they' say it or not, but my wide does. Regularly, every pay day. One man who ought to know all about the subject is Captain Povey. It's his Fifteenth wedding anniversary and he and his wife are aboard Troutbridge to celebrate it.
Working their passage in

Series 4, Episode 10: Cine Cameras At Sea

Announcer: Robin Boyle

Ladies and gentlemen we present The Navy Lark with our three stars Jon Pertwee, Leslie Phillips and Stephen Murray.

Odd people dropping in unexpectedly can be rather fun, provided they're not too odd of course. Last week my wife invited our local Ratepayers Ladies Knitting Ccircle round to our place for a cup of char and a wad. Believe me people don't drop in any odder than that lot. Well they don't, unless you count the weird bunch that are about to drop in on Captain Povey.
Working their passage in

Series 4, Episode 11: The Civilian Adjustment Course

Announcer: Robin Boyle

Ladies and gentlemen we present The Navy Lark with our three stars Leslie Phillips, Stephen Murray and Jon Pertwee.

In any large concern there's always a vast amount of correspondence which is whizzed about from one office to another. Most of it sent in order to let other offices know that there are… other offices. Admiralty send each other their share of waste paper and it seems Sub-Lieutenant Phillips has copped more than his share aboard H.M.S. Troutbridge.
Working their passage in

Series 4, Episode 12: A Hole Lieutenant

Announcer: Robin Boyle

Ladies and gentlemen we present The Navy Lark with our three stars Stephen Murray, Jon Pertwee and Leslie Phillips.

Automation is creeping in everywhere. Even in the home one has things that wash up all the dishes, they switch on the fires at certain times, make the tea for you in the morning and so on. Well my wife's had a thing that does all this lot for years, Me! It's true. It's nothing to laugh at, John Snagge was on at me again this morning about my dishpan hands. However, Admiralty are about to be in even more trouble when automation comes to their records office. As the crew of Troutbridge find out.
Working their passage in

Series 4, Episode 13: Spy Catching In Casablanca

Announcer: Robin Boyle

Ladies and gentlemen we present The Navy Lark with our three stars Jon Pertwee, Leslie Phillips and Stephen Murray.

It's funny how things don't always work out as you expect at times. Like getting on a bus and finding you have to offer the conductor a five-pound note for a threepenny fare. You expect a terrible fuss but instead he gives you change without a murmur, all in pennies and ha'pennies. Yes, well things aren't working out for Troutbridge either. They've just been to Gibraltar and they imagine they're on their way home. But I think we'll find that they're not.
Working their passage in

Series 4, Episode 14: Mount Pot Erupts

Announcer: Robin Boyle

Ladies and gentlemen we present The Navy Lark with our three stars Stephen Murray, Jon Pertwee and Leslie Phillips.

We can all get caught on the hop at times. I once read the nine o'clock news at half past eight. I, it wouldn't have mattered so much except it was yesterday's nine o'clock news anyway. Mind you even a member of parliament can get caught out at Question Time now and then and that calls for some rapid thinking. Rapid thinking about who he can pass the can to this time.
Working their passage in

Series 4, Episode 15: Captain Povey's Shop

Announcer: Robin Boyle

Ladies and gentlemen we present The Navy Lark with our three stars Leslie Phillips, Stephen Murray and Jon Pertwee.

That menace of Portsmouth Command, grim faced Captain Povey, also known by the crew of Troutbridge as 'The Thing From Outer Gossport', he's due for a pretty dodgy time himself. It's his wife Ramona's birthday shortly and he's forgotten it. Naturally Mrs Povey will remind him and everyone else in good time.
Working their passage in

Series 4, Episode 16: Leading Seaman Goldstein's Party

Announcer: Robin Boyle

Ladies and gentlemen we present The Navy Lark with our three stars Stephen Murray, Jon Pertwee and Leslie Phillips.

Sometimes it's not easy to find the best way to break unexpected news. Recently I got the wrong idea completely when my wife told me there'd be a little visitor coming to our house. Turned out to be a short electrician to fix a fridge she'd ordered on my account. But the officers aboard Troutbridge are facing a similar problem in the wardroom right now.
Working their passage in

Series 4, Episode 17: The Invitation

Announcer: Robin Boyle

Ladies and gentlemen we present The Navy Lark with our three stars Jon Pertwee, Leslie Phillips and Stephen Murray.

I always find those official printed invitations to functions pretty baffling. For one thing why do those gilt-edged cards always say that Mr and Mrs dot dot dot request the pleasure of Mr and Mrs blank blank blank's company, when Mr and Mrs blank blank blank know full well that Mr and Mrs dot dot dot hate the flaming sight of them. Why? At present three members of the Troutbridge crew are stuck with an invitation of this sort and there doesn't seem to be any way out.
Working their passage in

Series 4, Episode 18: The Cornish Exercise (missing)

Announcer: Robin Boyle

Ladies and gentlemen we present The Navy Lark with our three stars Leslie Phillips, Stephen Murray and Jon Pertwee.

One of the snags about being in the Navy is that you are liable to be sent on what is called 'an exercise'. It's anyone's bet as to when these exercises are liable to start. In fact if one was a bookmaker you could probably run an exercise 'book'. Oh, Robin's rather proud of that one. What do they want Lawrie Wyman for? Robin could write this. But getting back to Naval exercises, Captain Povey is dreaming up a corker for Troutbridge this week.
Working their passage in

Series 4, Episode 19: A Strange Hobby

Announcer: Robin Boyle

Ladies and gentlemen we present The Navy Lark with our three stars Stephen Murray, Jon Pertwee and Leslie Phillips.

They say that every man should have a hobby to help him relax. My wife's got me interested in a couple of unusual pastimes, prospecting for rare minerals and back garden tennis. Well that means Robin spends his spare time getting the coal and bashing the dirt out of the carpets for her too. But aboard H.M.S. Troutbridge it appears that Lieutenant Bates has got a strange hobby too.
Working their passage in

Series 4, Episode 20: Mr Phillips Gets Engaged

Announcer: Robin Boyle

Ladies and gentlemen we present The Navy Lark with our three stars Jon Pertwee, Leslie Phillips and Stephen Murray.

Like most men, I've often wondered what girls talk about when they're together. As our WRENs Judy and Heather are alone in their office now, we might find out. Course I know what men talk about when they're on their own but I'm not telling any of our lady listeners now. Not flaming likely. Holding this job down is hard enough already without Robin sticking his little neck out.
Working their passage in

Series 4, Episode 21: The Sinking Of The Bubble Car

Announcer: Robin Boyle

Ladies and gentlemen we present The Navy Lark with our three stars Leslie Phillips, Stephen Murray and Jon Pertwee.

Well now that Sub-Lieutenant Phillips has become engaged to Heather, even if it was an accident, and let's face it anything Mr Phillips achieves is generally an accident, his time is full of matrimonial rather than naval matters. Admiralty would hardly notice the difference except that he's distracting Heather from her work too.
Working their passage in

Series 4, Episode 22: Long Jonathan Pertwee

Announcer: Robin Boyle

Ladies and gentlemen we present The Navy Lark with our three stars Stephen Murray, Jon Pertwee and Leslie Phillips.

Large concerns all have different methods of communication. The Civil Service send memos to each other, the government issue directives and in the BBC if my boss wants me he sends a spotty faced boy who shoves his head round the door and shouts 'Oi, big head, you're wanted', it's true. But Admiralty of course, they send signals. However sometimes they do at least send them via pretty Wren.
Working their passage in

Series 4, Episode 23: The Admiral's Accident Report

Announcer: Robin Boyle

Ladies and gentlemen we present The Navy Lark with our three stars Jon Pertwee, Leslie Phillips and Stephen Murray.

When your boss wants to see you in his office it's panic making enough, but when your boss' boss wants to see both of you in his office, it's high time you started studying the situations vacant column in deadly earnest. At least that's how Lieutenant-Commander Stanton feels when he and Captain Povey are summoned to the Admiral's office at Admiralty.
Working their passage in

Series 4, Episode 24: Over The Sea To Rosyth

Announcer: Robin Boyle

Ladies and gentlemen we present The Navy Lark with our three stars Leslie Phillips, Stephen Murray and Jon Pertwee.

Once again, the Captain and crew of H.M.S. Troutbridge are completely in the muck. In Captain Povey's outer office they eagerly await the call to his inner sanctum. Fearless, firm, determined, clear-eyed, resolute they stand, wondering which one will nip out the back way when the others aren't watching. My bet is that it'll be Lieutenant-Commander Stanton. How the others ever got him as far as the outer office is a mystery.
Working their passage in

Series 4, Episode 25: The Return Of Sir Frederick Flatley

Announcer: Robin Boyle

Ladies and gentlemen we present The Navy Lark with our three stars Stephen Murray, Jon Pertwee and Leslie Phillips.

What could be nicer than spending a quiet evening at home with the wife? Well if you're Captain Povey and you've copped a wife like Ramona I imagine almost anything would be nicer. But still, Henry has no choice and now that he's finished his high tea of cocoa and rissoles Mrs Povey is all set to tell him what's for afters in the shape of house work.
Working their passage in

Series 4, Episode 26: The Ship's Concert

Announcer: Robin Boyle

Ladies and gentlemen we present The Navy Lark with our three stars Jon Pertwee, Leslie Phillips and Stephen Murray.

Yes it's almost time for the crew of H.M.S. Troutbridge to go on leave. So if any of their relatives are listening, you've been warned! Lock your doors and stand by to repel boarders. Well, not so much boarders as non-paying guests. Oh yes, getting better every week. I wonder if they'd give me a worker's playtime. Now, where were we? Oh yes, the lads have still one duty to perform as Captain Povey's about to explain to them.
Working their passage in the last of the current series of

The Navy Lark - Christmas Special 1962

Calling The Antartic

No Announcer

No Introduction

The TV Lark - Series 1 - 25th January 1963 to 29th March 1963

TV Lark - Series 1, Episode 1: Opening Night

Announcer: Robin Boyle

Ladies and gentlemen we present The TV Lark with our three stars Stephen Murray, Jon Pertwee and Leslie Phillips.

For all those listeners who demanded to know what happened to The Navy Lark crew the time has come for us to 'fearlessly reveal all' as they say in Compact. Thrown out of one service they've joined another, the newly formed Troutbridge Television Service. A top-level meeting about the plans for their opening night is at present taking place between the Controller of Programmes TTV, Mr Gervais Batsford-Shaw, and the Deputy Controller, a certain Mr Henry Povey, ex Captain, Royal Navy, Retired, in his office at the Troutbridge Television studios.
Trying their hand at

TV Lark - Series 1, Episode 2: The Prestige Show

Announcer: Robin Boyle

Ladies and gentlemen we present The TV Lark with our three stars Jon Pertwee, Leslie Phillips and Stephen Murray.

No Intro?
Doing an unfortunate to

TV Lark - Series 1, Episode 3: Z Ambulances

Announcer: Robin Boyle

Ladies and gentlemen we present The TV Lark with our three stars Leslie Phillips, Stephen Murray and Jon Pertwee.

Through the efforts of Mr Murray's production team, Troutbridge Television Service has successfully brought about a tremendous wave of complete indifference from viewers in the area. However one member of the team, Floor Manager Pertwee, is still certain that television should be commercial as far as he's concerned. He's about to call at the Deputy Controller's office to collect his signed claim form for expenses. Ha ha, optimist.
Doing an unfortunate to

TV Lark - Series 1, Episode 4: House Of Commons

Announcer: Robin Boyle

Ladies and gentlemen we present The TV Lark with our three stars Stephen Murray, Jon Pertwee and Leslie Phillips.

Running a television service isn't all Steptoe and Ena Sharples. There's the paperwork that whizzes about from one in tray to another. Troutbridge Television Service is no exception to this rule and it's been in existence long enough now for the memos to have become reasonably baffling. At least they have to Mr Phillips in the production office at nine o'clock in the morning.
Doing an unfortunate to

TV Lark - Series 1, Episode 5: Back To Portsmouth

Announcer: Robin Boyle

Ladies and gentlemen we present The TV Lark with our three stars Jon Pertwee, Leslie Phillips and Stephen Murray.

There's an old saying that your past always catches up with you. Well being a shy, modest, good, clean living young lad I haven't got a past so I wouldn't know.
[Pertwee – Loud laughter] Sorry pardon.
[Robin] Oh, Rotter! However, the mob running Troutbridge Television Service have the sort of past that not only catches up with them, this week it over takes them. A visitor to the Deputy Controller Henry Povey, alias Old Thunderguts, is the first person to start rocking the boat by demanding to see the production team.
Doing an unfortunate to

TV Lark - Series 1, Episode 6: On Safari

Announcer: Robin Boyle

Ladies and gentlemen we present The TV Lark with our three stars Leslie Phillips, Stephen Murray and Jon Pertwee.

In television, apart from your regular salary, there are all sorts of perks or bits of bunts flying about. I mean, someone's going to cop those mod-con flats in that house Barry Bucknell's been doing his nut in for months. And who gets those free Sunday Papers David Frost quotes from in That Was The Whatever It Was on Saturday night?
[Pertwee] Ha, ha, ha, ha, Guess Who?
[Robin] I never doubted it! However, one of the more legitimate fiddles is the 'journey at the companies expense'. This time when the production team enter Mr Povey's office they find themselves going a lot further afield than they ever expected.
Doing an unfortunate to

TV Lark - Series 1, Episode 7: Ship Ahoy!

Announcer: Robin Boyle

Ladies and gentlemen we present The TV Lark with our three stars Stephen Murray, Jon Pertwee and Leslie Phillips.

The snag about working for a big broadcasting organisation is that usually you can never get at the bloke at the top. No matter how many people you see, they always have to refer to somebody higher up on another floor. There's absolutely no hope of you getting to see the old fool who keeps dropping the clangers. I should add that I'm referring to Troutbridge Television of course, not the BBC.
[Pertwee] Mrs Boyle may now relax, dreamboat just saved himself in time.
[Robin] Dreamboat hopes! But at the Troutbridge studios it's a red-carpet day, for the production team and Henry Povey are awaiting a visit from TTV's Director General.
Doing an unfortunate to

TV Lark - Series 1, Episode 8: The Portarneyland Election

Announcer: Robin Boyle

Ladies and gentlemen we present The TV Lark with our three stars Jon Pertwee, Leslie Phillips and Stephen Murray.

All television stations operate a foreign news service. With Troutbridge Television the news doesn't come from a staff of reporters abroad, it's usually a dodgy old bit of muck-raking which has been included in a letter from a relative of Mr Pertwee's living in the rough section of Cairo.
[Pertwee] That, Mr Boyle, is a great big fib. No Pertwee ever committed anything to paper in his life. We can't, none of us can write. Ha ha ha.
[Robin] That's possible, however every now and then a story from abroad is big enough to send out a film unit to cover it and that's what the deputy controller, Henry Povey, is contemplating this morning.
Doing an unfortunate to

TV Lark - Series 1, Episode 9: The Top Secret Rocket Trials (missing)

Announcer: Robin Boyle

Ladies and gentlemen we present The TV Lark with our three stars Leslie Phillips, Stephen Murray and Jon Pertwee.

Many of you will have heard the old adage…
[Pertwee] Hold it, hold it. The Old whatage?
[Robin] Adage, Mr Pertwee.
[Pertwee] Adage? What's that then?
[Robin] It's an old saying.
[Pertwee] If it's anything like some of the old ones I know you're in the muck.
[Robin] Now look here…
[Murray] Allow me Mr Boyle. I'll take him away and explain it to him while you carry on with your jaunty little piece.
[Robin] Thank you. Many of you will have heard the old… er… saying that it's an ill wind that blows nobody any good.
[Pertwee] I haven't.
[Murray] Shut up!
[Robin] However, there's one man at Troutbridge Television who perpetually faces ill winds that never do him and good at all… the Deputy Controller, Henry Povey. His secretary, Vera, is about to tell him what the latest dodgy draught has done to his peace of mind.
Doing an unfortunate to

TV Lark - Series 1, Episode 10: Back In The Navy

Announcer: Robin Boyle

Ladies and gentlemen we present The TV Lark with our three stars Stephen Murray, Jon Pertwee and Leslie Phillips.

Sometimes when I'm at home in the evening, Mrs Boyle and I we won…
[Pertwee] I didn't know our Robin was married.
[Phillips] Didn't you Pertwee? Well He was bound to be really.
[Pertwee] Why?
[Phillips] Well He's so good looking. And they do say, um… Ha, ha, ha, ha. That they say that with the ladies, he's a bit of er, um, Ha, ha, ha, ha.
[Pertwee] Go on, Sir. Go on.
[Phillips] Well, I've heard that um, Ha, ha, ha, ha.
[Robin] Look if you've quite finished with my reputation, my wife's listening you know!
[Phillips] What? Oh, sorry pardon.
[Pertwee] It's alright Madam, we was talking about somebody else.
[Phillips] Ha, ha, ha, ha. We weren't you know!
[Robin] Oh mate, please! I've just forgotten her birthday.
[Pertwee] Come along Mr Phillips, I don't think we should be associating with a bounder and a cad.
[Robin] Oh it's nice to know one has friends. If any of you can remember, I was saying earlier that sometimes my wife and I, er happy birthday Dear – card following, we sit at home in the evenings wondering what load of codswallop will turn up on the telly next. If we switch to the TTV channel we wonder if anything will turn up at all. And er, when Henry Povey's had to send Mr Murray's production team out filming, a blank screen is a lot safer. Oh P.S. A very happy birthday, Dear.
(Navy Lark Theme) Working their passage in The Navy Lark

The Navy Lark - Series 5 - 05th April 1963 to 10th May 1963

Series 5, Episode 1: First Day Out Of Dock.

Announcer: Robin Boyle

Ladies and gentlemen we present the return of the The Navy Lark with our three stars Jon Pertwee, Leslie Phillips and Stephen Murray.

Well, rescued from Civvy Street, the crew of H.M.S. Troutbridge are now safely aboard again. Although whether 'safely' is the right word for that shower remains to be seen. At any rate, today is the day they get Her out of dry dock from de-cocooning and refit and accept responsibility for Her from the dockyard authorities. It's an anxious moment for all, particularly the foreman.
Working their passage in

Series 5, Episode 2: The New Barmaid

Announcer: Robin Boyle

Ladies and gentlemen tonight we're proud to celebrate the Hundredth Lark. And as usual when you hear this signature tune The Navy Lark presents it's three stars Leslie Phillips, Stephen Murray and Jon Pertwee.

Although they may not realise it, ever since 1959 when the crew of H.M.S. Troutbridge first sailed together, Lawrie Wyman has chronicled their adventures a hundred times and even a casual glance a Troutbridge shows She has the dents to prove it. After so long together, what could be more natural than that we should find some of the crew having a few in The Fireman's Bucket and Bell to celebrate the way they've wriggled out of trouble for so many years.
Working their passage in

Series 5, Episode 3: A Deliberate Bashing

Announcer: Robin Boyle

Ladies and gentlemen we present The Navy Lark with our three stars Stephen Murray, Jon Pertwee and Leslie Phillips.

For the crew of Troutbridge a summons to Captain Povey's office is a two-edged sword and both edges are too flaming sharp for comfort. Either they're in the muck or he is, and if he is - well they are anyway. Only one thing is certain, they can't possibly win.
Working their passage in

Series 5, Episode 4: Whittlesea Regatta

Announcer: Robin Boyle

Ladies and gentlemen we present The Navy Lark with our three stars Jon Pertwee, Leslie Phillips and Stephen Murray.

A visit to Admiralty is always a little unnerving for Captain Povey. He never knows whether he's up to his neck in muck or medals. Yes. If today's interview with the Admiral goes anything like all the others, it won't be a medal. So let's see what sort of muck is flying about this time.
Working their passage in

Series 5, Episode 5: H.M.S. Troutbridge Gets A Rocket

Announcer: Robin Boyle

Ladies and gentlemen we present The Navy Lark with our three stars Leslie Phillips, Stephen Murray and Jon Pertwee.

When Graham Bell invented the telephone, He started something. When the phone rings you never know who's going to be on the other end. It could be a beautiful blonde who's feeling lonely or the income tax inspector who's feeling awkward. Now, with Captain Povey's phone it's never the beautiful blonde, it's always somebody who wants to be flaming awkward.
Working their passage in

Series 5, Episode 6: The Ghost Ship.

Announcer: Robin Boyle.

Ladies and gentlemen we present The Navy Lark with our three stars Stephen Murray, Jon Pertwee and Leslie Phillips.

It's been said that 'Nothing can stop the march of progress'. However, if anything can grind that march to a halt, it's the crew of H.M.S. Troutbridge. For even if they don't actually stop the march, they'll make it look more like February. Ha, ha, ha, yes. Mr Phillips, did you hear what I said? About march…
[Phillips] Yes, I, I did. It jolly well serves me right for eavesdropping.
[Robin] Oh, well if my wife is listening, Hello Dear – it's Robin chatting, you see what I mean now? He's got no sense of humour.
[Pertwee] No, maybe not, but he also knows an 'Oooh Nasty' when he hears it.
[Robin] Yeah, does he? Well so do the Admiralty, and they're about to hear one right now.
Working their passage in

The Navy Lark - Series 6 - 27th September 1963 to 31st January 1964

Series 6, Episode 1: WREN Chasen Returns

Announcer: Robin Boyle

Ladies and gentlemen we present The Navy Lark with our three stars Stephen Murray, Jon Pertwee and Leslie Phillips.

Oh, here's my bit, and this is Robin Boyle doing it. To the hysterical and unbounded delight of their relatives, to the misery of the Wilful Damage Claims Department of British Railways and to the smug satisfaction of Captain Povey, the crew of H.M.S. Troutbridge have returned from leave. This time, much to Lieutenant Murray's surprise, all of them seem to have turned up without the aid of the police.
Working their passage in

Series 6, Episode 2: On The Carpet

Announcer: Robin Boyle

Ladies and gentlemen we present The Navy Lark with our three stars Jon Pertwee, Leslie Phillips and Stephen Murray.

And before we go any further, this is Robin Boyle speaking, announcer full time, bell-like tones a specialty at no extra charge. Oh well I'm very sorry about that, unless I mention my name now my wife just doesn't believe I'm working late. Still, apart from knowing where I am, we now know where Leading Seaman Goldstein is. He's back aboard H.M.S. Troutbridge and endeavouring to explain to anyone who'll listen why he's a week late getting back from leave.
Working their passage in

Series 6, Episode 3: The Bungalese Spies

Announcer: Robin Boyle

Ladies and gentlemen we present The Navy Lark with our three stars Leslie Phillips, Stephen Murray and Jon Pertwee.

There's nothing a hard-working man like Captain Povey likes more at the end of a hard day than to relax for an hour or two in the peace and quite of his own home. Of course, with a wife like Mrs Povey he doesn't stand a dog's chance of relaxing for a second. He certainly doesn't this evening because its Mrs Povey's intention to do the household accounts, as soon as Henry as finished his high tea.
Working their passage in

Series 6, Episode 4: Troutbridge's Party

Announcer: Robin Boyle

Ladies and gentlemen we present The Navy Lark with our three stars Stephen Murray, Jon Pertwee and Leslie Phillips.

The British Navy has always been steeped in tradition and naturally enough the anniversary of the birthday of the late Admiral Sir Benjamin Troutbridge, born 1741, vanished 1797, will not pass unnoticed by the crew of the frigate named after him. Well let's face it, one excuse for a flaming great nosh-up in the wardroom is as good as another. At least that well know bon viveur CPO Pertwee thinks so, and is on his way to Number One's cabin to complete the alcoholic arrangements, after ensuring that Able Seaman Johnson is tarting the boat up.
Have been finding their way through

Series 6, Episode 5: Rescuing Admirals

Announcer: Robin Boyle

Ladies and gentlemen we present The Navy Lark with our three stars Jon Pertwee, Leslie Phillips and Stephen Murray.

Regular listeners will know that the engagement between WREN Chasen and Sub-Lieutenant Phillips is a bit shaky. She seems to have been ridiculously upset merely because, while she was darfted to Scotland, Mr Phillips didn't write to her for a whole year. Now as a married man myself I can tell you women are funny like that. Well they don't seem to realise when a chap's busy he's liable to forget little things like… what's the date?
[Pertwee] The 25th.
[Robin] Oh clang. If my wife is listening, happy anniversary darling. I hadn't forgotten, I just thought this would be a lovely surprise.
[Pertwee] If He gets away with that I'm Noddy.
[Robin] Well, let's see if Mr Phillips is getting away with it shall we?
[Pertwee] Oh yes let's, Big Ears.
Working their passage in

Series 6, Episode 6: Demise Of The Depth Charges

Announcer: Robin Boyle

Ladies and gentlemen we present The Navy Lark with our three stars Leslie Phillips, Stephen Murray and Jon Pertwee.

There is a saying that true love never runs smooth and in the Royal Navy it doesn't even seem to sail smoothly, at least it doesn't for Sub-Lieutenant Phillips and WREN Chasen. Some how the 'Pride of the service' always seems to drop his biggest clangers as Lieutenant Murray is passing, and Heather suddenly finds Mr Murray's company far more attractive than Mr Phillips'. Last night however something new was added, for once Mr Phillips remembered he had a date with Heather, but she didn't turn up. This morning, he wants to know the reason why.
Working their passage in

Series 6, Episode 7: The Struggle For Promotion

Announcer: Robin Boyle

Ladies and gentlemen we present The Navy Lark with our three stars Stephen Murray, Jon Pertwee and Leslie Phillips.

They say that given the opportunity even a worm will turn, so when you get a snake in the grass like C.P.O. Pertwee you can expect about a hundred revolutions a minute
[Pertwee] Oh charming!
[Robin] Now, it was just a turn of phrase Mr Pertwee.
[Pertwee] Then revolve it until it comes out prettier.
[Robin] Alright, I'll do my best.
[Pertwee] Good lad, carry on with the bell likes.
[Robin] As I was saying…
[Pertwee] Watch it!
[Robin] As I was saying, today Captain Povey has received a directive from Admiralty which looks like giving the Chief his opportunity, and as the gallant Captain explains it to Mr Murray and Mr Phillips aboard H.M.S. Troutbridge, the situation is obviously viewed - with alarm.
Have been taking some liberties with

Series 6, Episode 8: Navigation By Computer

Announcer: Robin Boyle

Ladies and gentlemen we present The Navy Lark with our three stars Jon Pertwee, Leslie Phillips and Stephen Murray.

Once more H.M.S. Troutbridge is in dry dock for a refit, only this time the work being carried out is not a direct result of Mr Phillips' navigation. Something new is being added, but just what that something new is, nobody seems to know. However, with a crew such as Troutbridge has, you can bet your Bosun's pipe they intend to find out.
Have been taking some liberties with

Series 6, Episode 9: Stormy Weather

Announcer: Robin Boyle

Ladies and gentlemen we present The Navy Lark with our three stars Leslie Phillips, Stephen Murray and Jon Pertwee.

The trouble with women is that they don't like things to drift, they always like things to be neat and tidy. Announcers' wives are no exception, that's why when you don't hear Robin Boyle reading it, Robin Boyle's at home dusting it. WREN Chasen is no exception either, and she's about to tidy things up by have a dust up with Sub-Lieutenant Phillips over their engagement.
Have been bashing six kinds of brick dust out of

Series 6, Episode 10: Chasing The Kepeac

Announcer: Robin Boyle

Ladies and gentlemen we present The Navy Lark with our three stars Stephen Murray, Jon Pertwee and Leslie Phillips.

The do-it-yourself craze has really spread in the last few years. It's certainly spread to the Boyle household. In the last few months Mrs Boyle has got me going on a done-it-myself wardrobe, a done-it-myself dining room suit and a done-it-myself kitchen unit. So that's three rooms in my place that are a complete shambles. However I'm not alone because the formidable Mrs Povey has got Captain Povey involved in making a new cupboard and I don't think he's much better at it than I am.
Doing an unfortunate to

Series 6, Episode 11: The Submerged Island

Announcer: Robin Boyle

Ladies and gentlemen we present The Navy Lark with our three stars Jon Pertwee, Leslie Phillips and Stephen Murray.

Home is the sailor, home from the sea. Unfortunately for Sub Lieutenant Phillips' snogging sessions, he's not usually home from the sea for very long. Therefore, when he meets his fiancé, WREN Chasen, he's a bit inclined to rush things, and that doesn't seem to go down too well, ah particularly in Captain Povey's outer office.
Working their passage in

Series 6, Episode 12: The Sicilian Secret Agent

Announcer: Robin Boyle

Ladies and gentlemen we present The Navy Lark with our three stars Leslie Phillips, Stephen Murray and Jon Pertwee.

And before I get on with my usual bit of old gubbins about this week's story, I would like to thank all members of the Robin Boyle Fan Club for their devoted support when I opened a bazar at Stenchly-Under-Filth last week. Mind you, I still think the local paper was overdoing it a bit when they reported two, grubby little urchins shouting 'Ra Ra for Robin' as 'Boyle-amania'. But someone else who is also always over doing it a bit is Sub-Lieutenant Phillips, particularly when he is chatting up his fiancé WREN Chasen in Captain Povey's outer office.
Working their passage in

Series 6, Episode 13: Germany's Troutbridge

Announcer: Robin Boyle

Ladies and gentlemen we present The Navy Lark with our three stars Stephen Murray, Jon Pertwee and Leslie Phillips.

Have you noticed that once you get in to the doghouse with women, everything you say or do to patch things up makes it worse. Recently, after a week in Fido's home, the last straw came when I forgot to pay the electric light bill and we were cut off. Well, I pretended that I had done it deliberately so that my wife and I could have a romantic meal together by candlelight. She reckoned I'd done it because I thought she looked so awful I preferred to eat in the dark. Well you just can't win. Sub-Lieutenant Phillips certainly can't with Heather even though he's got a witness with him to prove that he was working late at the ship last night.
Navigating their way through The Navy Larken geschriebt von Lawrie Wyman

Series 6, Episode 14: Confirming Povey's Rank

Announcer: Robin Boyle

Ladies and gentlemen we present The Navy Lark with our three stars Jon Pertwee, Leslie Phillips and Stephen Murray.

Well if anyone's interested I've lost a 15-sided nut off my vacuum cleaner. I can't get a replacement but funnily enough there's a little 15-sided nut on this microphone which will do nicely, so Robin and Robin's little spanner are nicking that one right now. Shouldn't take me very long actually just…
[Static]
[Engineer] And next time keep your horrible little spanner to your horrible little self, clever dick.
[Robin] Oh well, getting back to the announcing erm, Sub-Lieutenant Phillips hasn't taken a 15-sided nut, but at Captain Povey's outer office he's taken something for granted. He's assumed that the girl there is WREN Chasen, and it's not!
Working their passage in

Series 6, Episode 15: The Calais Dock Strike

Announcer: Robin Boyle

Ladies and gentlemen we present The Navy Lark with our three stars Leslie Phillips, Stephen Murray and Jon Pertwee.

Regular listeners will remember that I lost a 15-sided nut off my vacuum cleaner last week and I put the programme off the air trying to swipe one off a microphone. Well since then I've seen several of the type I need but they were all doing vital work. Er, in my efforts to knock 'em off I've stopped three trains, I've jammed an escalator, broken a crane and fixed Tower Bridge at half-mast for two hours. I only mention it in order to warn you that Boyle is ruthless. If you have a 15-sided nut in your home, guard it! Robin, the 15-sided nut pincher, may strike at any moment. Another form of strike which is flippin' dangerous is the one that Captain Povey is telling the crew of Troutbridge about in his office.
Working their passage in

Series 6, Episode 16: Johnson's Memoirs

Announcer: Robin Boyle

Ladies and gentlemen we present The Navy Lark with our three stars Stephen Murray, Jon Pertwee and Leslie Phillips.

Now then, about this 15-sided nut I've lost off my vacuum cleaner. I'm not going to mess about. This is urgent. I still haven't managed to get hold of one and Robin's little mod-con home is now knee deep in fluff and muck. Somebody, somewhere must have a 15-sided nut that would fit my vacuum cleaner. So, if they're listening, will they please send it to me, care of the BBC, otherwise I'll read all the rotten bits of the news and I'll leave out the good bits for a month. Yes! An…and I'll tell you the wrong time in the mornings, and I'll fade out your favourite programmes, and I'll whip your pips, and I'll…
[Pertwee] Yeah, alright steady lad, steady. There's no need to do your own 15-sided nut you know. Much more of that and Robin is due for a short, sharp chat from Uncle John Snagge.
[Robin] Very well, but if Robin has got problems in his home they're nothing compared with the ones you've got in your stores, Mr Pertwee.
[Pertwee] No I don't suppose… Gang Way! Pertwee coming through. Out the road. There's a disastrical in me stores. Look out. Out the way!
Taking liberties with history in

Series 6, Episode 17: The Emperor Of Tratvia

Announcer: Robin Boyle

Ladies and gentlemen we present The Navy Lark with our three stars Jon Pertwee, Leslie Phillips and Stephen Murray.

Now about this 15-sided nut that's missing off my vacuum cleaner. I, I still haven't been able to replace it. Well, now look, let's get this straight. Robin doesn't give in that easily. I'm not just a cheerful voice with your cornflakes in the morning you know. I've a nasty… a nasty temper when I'm put out as well. Somebody, somewhere is hoarding 15-sided nuts.
[Pertwee] Ha, Ha. Yeah, no comment.
[Robin] Oh I should have known. Alright Chief, how much?
[Pertwee] Well that depends Robin. Look, how long has your vacuum cleaner been un-vacuuming?
[Robin] Erm, five weeks.
[Pertwee] Five weeks. Yes, well I imagine your place must be a big enough pigs' breakfast by now. (Indistinct - Enough to sort of) open up negotiations.
[Robin] Alright, but look, before we open up our negotiations, there are some others going on in Captain Povey's outer office.
Have been finding their way through

Series 6, Episode 18: Open Day

Announcer: Robin Boyle

Ladies and gentlemen we present The Navy Lark with our three stars Leslie Phillips, Stephen Murray and Jon Pertwee.

Now then, about this 15-sided nut I've lost off my vacuum cleaner. I shan't keep you long. At least I shan't if somebody promises to let me have a 15-sided nut. One of you has got one somewhere and if Robin doesn't get his paws on it, Robin is just going to keep talking. I'll bore the boots off you if one of you doesn't hand over, and you needn't think turning the volume down will do any good because I'll shout. When roused, Boyle can be noisier than a beetle so… watch it!
[Povey] Mr Boyle, I do have rather an important meeting with the crew of Troutbridge. Could you leave this until later…
[Robin] No certainly not. Turn out your pockets.
[Povey] What?
[Robin] Yes, come on. Now let's see. Old bus ticket, picture of Mrs Povey, bit of string and tuppence. Right, you're excused. Next!
[Murray] Now look here…
[Robin] No, no. Turn out your pockets. Right, grubby hanky, bunch of keys, a whistle, bit of cake!
[Murray] Oh yes, I, I didn't like it so I…
[Robin] Yes, well. Next!
[Pertwee] Don't bother, here you are.
[Robin] Aaaah! A 15-sided nut! I knew one of you would have one.
[Povey] Now can we get on with my meeting? It is urgent.
[Robin] What? Oh, certainly Captain Povey. A 15-sided nut, at last! Boyle wins again.
[Pertwee] A-ha, ha. He doesn't you know, that nut's only got 14 sides.
Have been finding their way through

Series 6, Episode 19: Stuck On A Sandbank

Announcer: Robin Boyle

Ladies and gentlemen we present The Navy Lark with our three stars Stephen Murray, Jon Pertwee and Leslie Phillips.

(Sound of hoover) You hear that? I've got one. A 15-sided nut for my vacuum cleaner. Listen to it. Majestic power unleashed at long last. Well I knew that if I kept thumping away long enough somebody would send me a 15-sided nut. Actually, as far as I can see, everybody's sent me one. I've had one from H.M.S. Osprey - the Royal Naval Engineering College at Plymouth, the Royal Military Engineering School at Chatham, I've had them from Eastbourne, from Oxford, a fourteen-year-old boy called Chris Collis. In fact, according to the postman, Broadcasting House has been renamed The 15-sided Nut House. I've, I've had three five-sided nuts welded together. 15-sided nuts made in brass, cardboard, ally, plastic, the lot. One gentleman didn't know if I'd got the junior or the large economy sized vacuum cleaner so he sent me two 15-sided nuts. Well thank you all very much indeed. Listen again to the sweet purr of all the smooth engineering that's compressed into Robin's vacuum cleaner as I switch it on again. (Noise of switch – no hoover) That's funny… (noise of switch repeatedly being thrown) Oh now what's wrong… stupid great, clapped out, badly made, left handed. Start, you clown, start!
[Pertwee] Ya, da, da, da, temper, temper. What seems to be Robin's little problem now?
[Robin] My vacuum cleaner won't work Mr Pertwee.
[Pertwee] Oh stone me. Don't tell me you've lost the 15-sided nut again?
[Robin] Hang on I'll have a look. (clunking noises)
[Pertwee] Well I… if our post is anything to go by you should have plenty of spares.
[Robin] I know but they won't help now.
[Pertwee] Why not?
[Robin] I've lost the 15-sided bolt that the nut screwed on to.
[Pertwee] Oh no!
[Robin] Yeah. Ladies and gentlemen, I've lost a 15-sided bolt off my vacuum cleaner. If any of you happen to have one…
[Pertwee] No, no, no, No, NO! Not again! Can't stand it. Let's get across to Troutbridge and see what Mr Murray and Mr Phillips are up to. Eargh!
Having a go for the last time in the current series at

The Navy Lark - Series 7 - 11th July 1965 to 03rd October 1965

Series 7, Episode 1: Taking Some Liberties

Announcer: Robin Boyle

Ladies and gentlemen we present The Navy Lark with our three stars Stephen Murray, Jon Pertwee and Leslie Phillips.

And this is Robin, I'm the one who does the early morning programs and is horribly chatty with it, Boyle announcing it. Well once again the crew of Troutbridge are returning from leave. They're returning by train, by coach, by bus and in C.P.O. Pertwee's case, by fear of the consequences if he doesn't. In fact, they're returning by almost every form of transport as Lieutenant Murray is about to discover as he unpacks in his cabin.
Have been taking some liberties with

Series 7, Episode 2: Smugglers In The Solent

Announcer: Robin Boyle

Ladies and gentlemen we present The Navy Lark with our three stars Jon Pertwee, Leslie Phillips and Stephen Murray.

I suppose we all regret the telephone was ever invented at times. Only this week I was sitting at home when my phone rang and a pal of mine at Broadcasting House said 'Have you heard the news?' when I said I hadn't he said 'Well neither has anyone else, YOU were supposed to be here reading it!' Well, now it's Captain Povey's turn to wish the telephone didn't exist because he's getting an electric earful from the Admiral's Superintendent of the dock yard.
Have been taking some liberties with

Series 7, Episode 3: Mr Murray Is Victimised

Announcer: Robin Boyle

Ladies and gentlemen we present The Navy Lark with our three stars Leslie Phillips, Stephen Murray and Jon Pertwee.

Well as regular listeners will know, this is a recorded broadcast. And that means that as you're listening to this recording I shall also be listening to myself saying this is a recorded broadcast. Of course, now I shall also be listening to a recording of myself saying that you're listening to a recording of my saying this is a recorded broadcast that I shall also be listening to because it's a recording. But on the other hand, um, I've just realised I shan't be listening to a recording of myself saying that this is a recording of myself saying this is a recorded broadcast, because my radio has packed up. As a matter of fact, it packed up last week just as a programme finished and I was about to listen to a recording of myself saying that that was a recorded broadcast. Err, fortunately there was a repeat, next day and my neighbour let me listen to the recording of the previous night's recording of my saying that that was a recorded…
[Pertwee] Oh for crying out loud! Why don't you belt up? If you'd stayed in the groove of that recording much longer, you'd have gone round and round in ever decreasing circles till you disappeared down the hole in the middle. So let's have your bit of chat, quick Robin.
[Robin] Oh, certainly Mr Pertwee. Back from her extended leave, WREN Chasen is alarmed to find a dangerously cheerful Captain Povey in his office. That can only mean one thing because a happy, laughing Thunderguts never did anyone any good.
Have been doing a mischeif to

Series 7, Episode 4: The Poveys Move House

Announcer: Robin Boyle

Ladies and gentlemen we present The Navy Lark with our three stars Stephen Murray, Jon Pertwee and Leslie Phillips.

Well listeners at home might like to know that this programme is heard in various countries all over the world. And I thought it was time I chatted them up in their own languages. Well it'll be nice for them, and if he's listening it won't half shake that clever dick neighbour of mine. Now let's see, in German - guten arbend meine damen und herren. Spain - buenas noches señoras y señores. France - bonsoir monsieur, bonsoir madame.
[Pertwee] Err, Mr Boyle, Sir, announcer of this parish. What are you going to do when you get to the Chinese version?
[Robin] Well that's easy, China – a full portion of 24, half of 45 and happy chopsticks for one, spoon and fork for the other, to you.
[Pertwee] In' it flaming marvellous?
[Povey] Mr Boyle do you think we could get on? My dear wife Ramona and I are rather busy you know?
[Robin] Of course, yes, I'd forgotten that the Poveys are moving to a new house the day after tomorrow, and Henry Povey, Captain of this parish, has copped the job of packing up all the cups and saucers and the plates. (FX of crockery smashing)
Have been doing a mischeif to

Series 7, Episode 5: Captain Povey Reports Sick

Announcer: Robin Boyle

Ladies and gentlemen we present The Navy Lark with our three stars Jon Pertwee, Leslie Phillips and Stephen Murray.

Now I shan't keep you long but I want a word with all the people who so kindly sent me 15-sided nuts for my vacuum cleaner last year…
[Pertwee] Oh Stone me, here we go again. Look, what have you lost this time Mr Boyle, announcer of this parish?
[Robin] Well I haven't lost anything, it's been nicked out of my office and I can't find a new one anywhere.
[Phillips] Oh we'll have to ask him what it was I suppose, Sir?
[Murray] If we don't he'll never wrap up until we do, you know what he's like?
[Phillips] Yes. Old fussy trousers.
[Murray] Oh come now. Anyone who wears trousers like that can't be fussy. Mr Boyle, I said err…. anyone who err…
[Robin] If you're quite finished!
[Pertwee] Mr Boyle, err… fussy trousers of this parish, err… what is it that's been nicked out of your office?
[Robin] At last! Well, ladies and gentlemen, some callous brute has stolen my calendar, and for someone who reads the news it's jolly important for me to know what day it is. However, this wasn't just any old calendar, it was a special one, which displayed some rather saucy pictures of Miss Lillian Gish. So… so if any of you have a saucy Lillian Gish calendar please send it to me, Robin Boyle, care of the BBC, Portland Place, London, West 1 and…
[Pertwee] Dirty old devil!
[Robin] Mr Pertwee, please! You're ruining my chances of getting another saucy Lillian Gish calendar for my office
[Pertwee] I'm surprised you've got room for one. I heard it was completely full of 15-sided nuts.
[Robin] It was.
[Pertwee] Well, never mind about your office, what about Captain Povey's?
[Robin] Ah yes, all is not well there either. An ill wind has blown in absolutely no good at all. He's caught a stinker.
Have been doing a mischeif to

Series 7, Episode 6: Admiral Pertwee's Fleet

Announcer: Robin Boyle

Ladies and gentlemen we present The Navy Lark with our three stars Leslie Phillips, Stephen Murray and Jon Pertwee.

Now then, about this saucy Lillian Gish calendar that was nicked out of my office at Broadcasting House. Well it hasn't been returned yet and I haven't been able to find a new one. Somebody did send me a calendar but that was made up of 12 highland scenes of bonnie Scotland in natural colour. It's a sweet thought, but to be honest it's just not the same as 12 scenes of saucy Lillian Gish in natural colour. Well time is running out and Boyle doesn't intend to wait until November to get a new calendar. Boyle's giving everybody one more week to give him another saucy Lillian Gish calendar or return the old one. After that Boyle is going to chat up Barlow, Fancy Smith, John Watt, Dixon of Dock Green, Perry Mason, the lot! The hunt will be on! Robin Boyle, announcer of this parish, can turn very nasty when he's roused.
[Pertwee] Yeah so can we, so belt up about your calendar and get on with your scene setting, cheerful chat.
[Robin] Pardon?
[Pertwee] Not likely, I'm not chancing that lot again.
[Robin] That's a pity!
[Murray] You should now by now Mr Boyle, announcer of this parish, Pertwee always quits when he's ahead.
[Robin] Yes, possibly, but at the moment he's only just ahead at the stores. Any second now his dream of a gamble giving him a rich future is going to turn into a nightmare.
[Pertwee] Eh? Good morning! (Whoosh fx)
Have been doing a mischeif to

Series 7, Episode 7: Let Loose With A Chopper

Announcer: Robin Boyle

Ladies and gentlemen we present The Navy Lark with our three stars Stephen Murray, Jon Pertwee and Leslie Phillips.

Now then, about the saucy Lillian Gish calendar that was whipped out of my office at Broadcasting House. It still hasn't been returned and Robin is getting very tired of looking at the nail in the wall where it used to hang. Some kind listeners have sent me saucy calendars to replace Miss Gish but most of them were a heck of a lot saucier than Miss Gish ever was. There was one of a strangely big girl and if I'd hung that up on the wall and my boss had seen it, I'd not only have lost my Lillian Gish calendar, I'd have lost my office and my job as well. You're not going to believe this but, she hadn't even got her vest on.
[Phillips] Cor… here I say, Ha, ha, ha, ha. You, you haven't got it with you, have you?
[Robin] Not likely mate. That one is under the floor boards at home.
[Pertwee] Right O, everybody round to Robin's place, Pertwee'll lead the way.
[Robin] Oh no you won't, you haven't got the time. Lieutenant Murray and the pair of you are wanted in Captain Povey's office immediately.
[Murray] Oh dear, Mr Phillips, what have you hit, backed into, bent or sunk now?
[Phillips] Well if you're meaning today, Sir, absolutely nothing.
[Pertwee] So far!
[Murray] Hmm, well in that case we'd better go see what he wants and stand by for blasting. This way gentlemen.
Have been doing a mischeif to

Series 7, Episode 8: Making A Right Pig's Breakfast

Announcer: Robin Boyle

Ladies and gentlemen we present The Navy Lark with our three stars Jon Pertwee, Leslie Phillips and Stephen Murray.

Now about this saucy Lillian Gish calendar that was nicked out of my office at Broadcasting House.
[Pertwee] Oh blimey, look you still going on about that?
[Robin] Well, yes Mr Pertwee, I am. I'm not a chap to harp as a rule but there is somebody, somewhere who's gawping at Robin's saucy Lillian Gish calendar, when Robin should be gawping at the delectable Miss Gish in his office.
[Pertwee] Dirty old devil!
[Robin] Not at all! Miss Gish was at all times provocative, but never abandoned.
[Pertwee] Well in that case what are you making all this flaming fuss about?
[Robin] Well if you must know the loss of Miss Gish's calendar's left a dirty patch on my office wallpaper. I erm, I tried to cover it with a framed picture of highland cattle but just wasn't the same.
[Phillips] No I don't suppose it was. Actually, if it would help, I do have a spare Noddy in Bingoland calendar. January shows Big Ears and Mr Plod, February shows Noddy having his…
[Robin] No, strangely enough, Mr Phillips, that wouldn't be the same either. In fact, come to think of it, nothing is ever going to be quite the same. Especially for you.
[Phillips] Pardon? What's, what's, what's, what's he talking about?
[Robin] Look, I suggest you nip along to Number 1's cabin and find out.
[Phillips] What's Number 1 want?
Have been making a right pig's breakfast of

Series 7, Episode 9: The Mysterious Pudding Mine

Announcer: Robin Boyle

Ladies and gentlemen we present The Navy Lark with our three stars Leslie Phillips, Stephen Murray and Jon Pertwee.

Well now, about the saucy Lillian Gish calendar that was whipped out of my office at Broadcasting House.
[Pertwee] Oh look for crying out loud, you're not still nattering on about that are you?
[Robin] Yes, I am. I relied on Miss Gish to keep Robin warm when the central heating packed up.
[Pertwee] You dirty old devil.
[Robin] Not at all.
[Phillips] Look Robin old chap, why don't you just accept the fact that you you've had it. Take it like a chap's chap on a chap's chin.
[Robin] Well I suppose if you lot can take what's coming to you, I ought to be able to take the loss of my calendar.
[Phillips] Exactly, of course you… Pardon?
[Murray] What did he say?
[Pertwee] Not quite enough, Sir, and I'd rather he stopped now. I'm not that curi-uri-urious.
[Robin] Oh suit yourselves, but you've had it too and only Robin knows where the trouble begins and who starts it.
[Pertwee] Alright then. Where and who?
[Robin] In Captain Povey's outer office and, needless to say, with Mr Phillips.
Have been mine sweeping their way through

Series 7, Episode 10: The Hovercraft Training Course

Announcer: Robin Boyle

Ladies and gentlemen we present The Navy Lark with our three stars Stephen Murray, Jon Pertwee and Leslie Phillips.

Now I do realise that you've all been doing your best to replace the saucy Lillian Gish calendar that was pinched out of my office at Broadcasting House, but I still haven't got another one.
[Pertwee] A few more weeks mate and it won't be worth it.
[Robin] On the contrary, no matter how late in the year, saucy Miss Gish is always worth it. Besides, the pictures of her for November and December are the sauciest.
[Pertwee] Huhu, you dirty old devil.
[Robin] Mr Pertwee, I am not a dirty old devil. I'm a connoisseur.
[Pertwee] You're a con-a-what?
[Phillips] Connoisseur.
[Pertwee] What's one of them, then?
[Phillips] Well in his case its, um, ha, ha, ha, ha – a dirty old devil!
[Robin] No it is not! It merely means that when it comes to art I know what I like.
[Murray] Quite! And now we've got a fair old idea of what you like as well. Huh, ha, ha.
[Robin] Well, really. I'll never get any sense out of them now so I may as well leave them to squabble among themselves, and squabble they will because C.P.O. Pertwee's been out with WREN Chasen for the evening again and Mr Phillips has heard about it. Or at least, he will hear about it shortly.
Have been belting three foot up in the air through

Series 7, Episode 11: The Sabotaged Floggle-Toggle Box

Announcer: Robin Boyle

Ladies and gentlemen we present The Navy Lark with our three stars Jon Pertwee, Leslie Phillips and Stephen Murray.

And Robin is in a right temper now! Boyle is on the boil alright! And as an announcer of this parish when I start using bad language the rude words will be clear, correctly pronounced and heard by millions all over the world.
[Murray] Oh dear, now what's the matter with him?
[Phillips] No idea, Sir. He's probably still going on about the saucy Lillian Gish calendar that was pinched out of his office.
[Robin] I am, but that still hasn't been returned and now some thieving hound has also pinched my naughty French poster by Toulouse-Lautrec.
[Pertwee] You know Robin, I'm beginning to wish that I'd seen your office at broadcasting house. That décor must be highly warming.
[Phillips] I can't understand why the police haven't raided it before now.
[Robin] Well there was nothing there that I wouldn't have shown my maiden aunt.
[Pertwee] What's you're auntie's name, Fanny Hill?
[Robin] Alright, have your fun but I'm warning everybody, from here on I've got my dog guarding my office day and night. If anybody tries to pinch anything else out of there I wouldn't give tuppence for… (Telephone ringing) Oh, excuse me. Hello? What? I see. Right then, who's pinched Rover?
[Pertwee] Blimey, he'll never start us off now.
[Robin] Yes I will. I can't mess about here I've got to go dog hunting. But perhaps Captain Povey can help because he's at home and in the dog house as usual. Ramona is not at all pleased with his table manners.
Have been floggle-toggling their way through

Series 7, Episode 12: The Potarneyland Training Exercise

Announcer: Robin Boyle

Ladies and gentlemen we present The Navy Lark with our three stars Leslie Phillips, Stephen Murray and Jon Pertwee.

Now then, about this saucy Lillian Gish calendar that some thieving hound pinched out of my office at Broadcasting House. I don't want to be a bore about it but…
[Murray] Oh good, we were afraid you did want to be.
[Pertwee] Let's face it, you have been for weeks! Why the heck don't you just buy another one?
[Robin] Now that's the whole point, for some ridiculous reason they're unobtainable. You try going into any stationers and asking for a saucy Lillian Gish calendar and see what sort of an answer you get.
[Pertwee] Yeah well, I don't think we'll bother, thanks all the same. You could always try Mr Phillips, of course. He'd go like a shot!
[Robin] You're probably right, but unfortunately, he's rather busy at the moment. He's also after something which is now unobtainable, as far as he's concerned, WREN Chasen in Captain Povey's outer office.
Working their passage in

Series 7, Episode 13: Going On Leave To Croydon

Announcer: Robin Boyle

Ladies and gentlemen we present The Navy Lark with our three stars Stephen Murray, Jon Pertwee and Leslie Phillips.

Now then, about this saucy Lillian Gish calendar that was nicked out of Robin's office at Broadcasting House. If Robin ever finds out who is gawping at the delectable and provocative, but never immodest, Miss Gish, when Robin should be gawping at her, the blighter won't need a calendar for next year, he'll be in hospital. I'll get hold of him…
[Pertwee] Ah, ah, ah, ah. Ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah temper, temper.
[Robin] Well!
[Pertwee] Ah, ah, ah, ah, ah.
[Robin] Well how would you…
[Pertwee] Ah, ah.
[Robin] Oh, dirty wash basins to the lot of you.
[Pertwee] Oooh, how common.
[Murray] No they're not what they were, are they? At one time they used to change into the evening dress to read the news. But now you feel honoured if they turn up in a tatty sports jacket and their old gardening trousers.
[Robin] These are not my old gardening trousers.
[Phillips] Well off hand I'd say it's time they were.
[Robin] Now look here!
[Pertwee] Now look, alright, Gents please, now look, anymore and he'll never says his little piece. Mr Boyle, announcer of this parish, kindly accept this saucy Lillian Gish calendar from us all - and belt up!
[Robin] At last, oh how wonderful, after all these weeks, oh I am… now just a minute! This isn't saucy Lillian Gish. These pictures are of naughty Dorothy Gish, her sister.
[Pertwee] Look, one more word out of you Robin, my son, and we'll swap it for a calendar of sexy Sydney Gish, her brother! Now look, get chatting.
[Robin] Perhaps I'd better. Well, todays the day Whitehall breathes a sigh of relief as the crew of H.M.S. Troutbridge are about to go on leave. In his cabin Lieutenant Murray is busy signing the leave passes and the railway warrants.
Have been doing a mischief for the last time in the current series to

The Navy Lark - Christmas Special 1965

Hitting the Ice Floe.

Announcer: Robin Boyle

And this is Robin Boyle bringing you the season's greetings from the crew of The Navy Lark. At least, it would be if we knew where H.M.S. Troutbridge had got to...

The Navy Lark - Series 8 - 04th September 1966 to 27th November 1966

Series 8, Episode 1: Where Is Troutbridge

Announcer: David Dunhill

Ladies and gentlemen we present The Navy Lark by Laurie Wyman. Starring Stephen Murray, Jon Pertwee and Leslie Phillips.

There are hotlines from country to country, politically speaking, but one of the hottest lines at present is one belonging to British Railways. The one that didly-bom didly-boms it's way from Waterloo to Portsmouth. To the utter horror and terror of the guard and driver, this particular iron horse contains the whole ship's company of H.M.S. Troutbridge as they return from leave. In C.P.O. Pertwee's case, as soon as the carriage wheels had revolved an inch and a half, he was hammering on the counter of the buffet car demanding alcoholic service as he was a bona-fide traveller. A claim which he's still maintaining even though the train is now within a mile or so of Portsmouth Harbour Station.
Have been searching for their ship in

Series 8, Episode 2: The Float A Peddle Fiddle

Announcer: David Dunhill

Ladies and gentlemen we present The Navy Lark by Laurie Wyman. Starring Jon Pertwee, Leslie Phillips and Stephen Murray.

Going abroad can be an enormous thrill, particularly if someone else is paying for your trip and all your living expenses. At least that's what it says on the recruiting posters. Course what it doesn't tell you is that you're going to have to work like stink until you get to where ever abroad is. With a crew like Troutbridge of course, this doesn't really apply. However, it is rather vital that they know where in advance which bit of abroad it is that they're going to. Without fail the first one to know and get his the-moment-we-dock-I'll-be-showing-a-profit side-line, lined up – is Chief Petty Officer Pertwee. The ship's forth coming summer cruise is no exception.
Have been float-a-peddling their way through

Series 8, Episode 3: A Sticky Business

Announcer: David Dunhill

Ladies and gentlemen we present The Navy Lark by Laurie Wyman. Starring Leslie Phillips, Stephen Murray and Jon Pertwee.

After a hard day in the office there's nothing a man likes more than to talk over the interesting things that have happened at work once he gets home to his wife. A masculine desire which is doomed to failure in the case of Captain Povey. When he gets home he can never get a word in edge, or any other, ways. Never the less this doesn't stop him from trying, and tonight he's got something really interesting to tell his Ramona.
Have been gumming up the works of

Series 8, Episode 4: Buoys Will Be Buoys

Announcer: David Dunhill

Ladies and gentlemen we present The Navy Lark by Laurie Wyman. Starring Stephen Murray, Jon Pertwee and Leslie Phillips.

Well, what does the word 'seal' mean to most of us? Apart from a bucket full of fish at the circus and playing Yankee Doodle Dandy on a lot of motor horns with an awful lot of (clapping and seal noises) Oh quiet! But err, the sort of seal I had in mind is all that red wax muck you find on the back of envelopes. In the Royal Navy the most ominous of these envelopes is the one that contains what's known as Sealed Orders, and there are orders of this variety on their way to Lieutenant Murray and Sub-Lieutenant Phillips as they wait in the anteroom to the Admiral's office at Portsmouth.
Have been buoying up

Series 8, Episode 5: Steamship Day

Announcer: David Dunhill

Ladies and gentlemen we present The Navy Lark by Laurie Wyman. Starring Jon Pertwee, Leslie Phillips and Stephen Murray.

When the sailor returns home from the sea there's nothing he looks forward to more than a spot of shore leave, particularly when he's returned home from the sea four times in the last five days. And also when the bit of the sea he's returning from happens to be the roughest bit of the Irish channel. And it doesn't help when the ship is H.M.S. Troutbridge and a signal informs them that the whole object of them being at sea was utterly pointless.
Have been charitably taking part in

Series 8, Episode 6: Farewell to H.M.S. Varsity

Announcer: David Dunhill

Ladies and gentlemen we present The Navy Lark by Laurie Wyman. Starring Leslie Phillips, Stephen Murray and Jon Pertwee.

From time to time we all suffer from a dose of nostalgia. That's not the nasty stabbing pain in your hip, it's the art of remembering the good old days which were really sheer hell at the time. For instance, we men always remember the tear in our first girlfriend's eye when we have to tell her the romance that was to last a life time is over, but what we don't remember is the time she belted you with her handbag for over-snogging. Lieutenant Murray of H.M.S. Troutbridge is no exception to this rule for even in the Royal Navy there's plenty of room for a great bath of I remember when.
Have been drifting through

Series 8, Episode 7: The Army Lark

Announcer: David Dunhill

Ladies and gentlemen we present The Navy Lark by Laurie Wyman. Starring Stephen Murray, Jon Pertwee and Leslie Phillips.

When you have a dodgy old reputation such as the crew of H.M.S. Troutbridge and find you've been invited to take part in top level talks with the Admiral you know one of three things has happened. Either someone's made a terrible mistake, or you've made an even bigger one by being around to receive the invitation, or worse still the subject matter of the talks is something flaming dangerous and your ship's company are the poor twits who are going to cop the job of doing it. It's in this frame of mind that Lieutenant Murray, Sub-Lieutenant Phillips and C.P.O. Pertwee are about to join in the talks in Captain Povey's office.
Have been blowing themselves up in

Series 8, Episode 8: Just The Ticket

Announcer: David Dunhill

Ladies and gentlemen we present The Navy Lark by Laurie Wyman. Starring Stephen Murray, Jon Pertwee and Leslie Phillips.

The old adage that the path of true love never runs smooth was never more accurate than when related to the amorous activities of the crew of H.M.S. Troutbridge. Not only does the path not run smooth, it's practically crazy paving. Even Lieutenant Murray is discovering that taking WREN Chasen out to the theatre once a week has it's hazards, particularly if you allow Chief Petty Officer Pertwee to book the seats. However, all seems to have gone well this evening as the rest of the members of the wardroom are being left to their own devices and are waiting to hear Number One's report on his evening out when he returns. In the mean time the wardroom has become a den of gambling inequity.
Have been buying tickets for

Series 8, Episode 9: Mr Phillips' Promotion

Announcer: David Dunhill

Ladies and gentlemen we present The Navy Lark by Laurie Wyman. Starring Jon Pertwee, Leslie Phillips and Stephen Murray.

No matter what your occupation there's always the possibility that you you'll find a typewritten bomb on your desk when you get to the office in the morning. The Royal Navy is no exception to this rule but in some ways it's even worse because your typewritten bomb is on official paper and has rubber stamps on it, which demand immediate action or – you'll be scrubbing the decks, mate. Captain Povey is about to find that he has one of these explosive communications on his desk as he settles in his faded, imitation leather, plastic covered, badly sprung office chair this morning.
Have been suffering their customary indignities in

Series 8, Episode 10: Pertwee And The Tratvian Beer

Announcer: David Dunhill

Ladies and gentlemen we present The Navy Lark by Laurie Wyman. Starring Jon Pertwee, Leslie Phillips and Stephen Murray.

The morning after the night before is always extremely amusing to everyone who wasn't with you the night before. They weren't there so they can't know that in order to keep the party going it was absolutely essential for you to cheer everybody up by reciting 15 verses of Eskimo Nell. And in any case, somebody should have told you that the Vicar was there as well. If they had you probably wouldn't have told that excruciatingly funny story about the three Bishops on a desert island, just before you were asked to leave, by the back door. Chief Petty Officer Pertwee this morning is very definitely the one after the night before, but apart from the usual humiliations he has one other panic. Why was everyone so insistent he should leave the ship and go to the party last night? What was going on aboard when he was out of the way? In short, what happened that Pertwee is absolutely certain that he ought to know about?
Have been brewing their way up through

Series 8, Episode 11: The PM Papa

Announcer: Ronald Fletcher

Ladies and gentlemen we present The Navy Lark by Laurie Wyman. Starring Leslie Phillips, Stephen Murray and Jon Pertwee.

One of the disadvantages of being a frigate in Her Majesty's Navy is that from time to time you cop the job of acting as a high-class floating hackney carriage. If you don't see it coming your liable to get the job of transporting a V.I.P. and that means a terrible time is going to be had by all except him. For once H.M.S. Troutbridge didn't see it coming and they've collected the unenviable task of transporting one of the Prime Ministers advisors, Sir Willerby Todhunter-Brown, and his wife to France. However, to everyone's astonishment, including Sub-Lieutenant Phillips, the ship has actually arrived off the coast of France in time for the reception. Not only in time, but at the right part of the coast as well. It only goes to show that, with Troutbridge, you just never know what will happen.
Have been blowing soot through

Series 8, Episode 12: Getting Rid Of Pertwee

Announcer: David Dunhill

Ladies and gentlemen we present The Navy Lark by Laurie Wyman. Starring Leslie Phillips, Stephen Murray and Jon Pertwee.

For Captain Povey there's no such thing as a good day or a bad day, they're all equally ghastly. Well this is inevitable as at sometime during every day he has to come in contact with the crew of H.M.S. Troutbridge. Today is no exception, in fact it's started disastrously already. In his innocence Captain Povey is sure that this time C.P.O. Pertwee has no answer to the accusation that the previous evening, the Chief once again pinched the lead from the roof of the Admiral's office. Well you'd think that by now he'd know C.P.O. Pertwee better.
Have been undergoing the trials and tribulations of life in

Series 8, Episode 13: Off To Sea At Last

Announcer: David Dunhill

Ladies and gentlemen we present The Navy Lark by Laurie Wyman. Starring Stephen Murray, Jon Pertwee and Leslie Phillips.

It has been said that what you learning from listening at, or looking through keyholes, never does you any good. A saying which my Father does not agree with at all. Well, he was a butler you see and he sent me to university on the proceeds of his radar ears and telescopic eyes. The crew of Troutbridge succumb to this temptation as quickly as anyone else, particularly when the office door happens to be Captain Povey's.
Have been doing their nuts for the last time in the current series of

The Navy Lark - Series 9 - 02nd July 1967 to 12th November 1967

Series 9, Episode 1: Back From The Antartic

Announcer: Ronald Fletcher

Ladies and gentlemen we present The Navy Lark by Laurie Wyman and starring Stephen Murray, Jon Pertwee and Leslie Phillips.

Just about the most disastrous thing that can happen to any man is to wake up and find the day has started well. The wife's in a good mood, the papers he ordered have arrived, the sun's shining, the kettle for his first cup of tea boils in seconds and even the yolk of the egg for his breakfast doesn't split in half when the shell is cracked. Far too good to last and once he gets to the office the bubble is going to burst. For Captain Povey as he settles in his imitation, plastic leather chair in his office at Portsmouth today is one of those days.
Have been towing The Navy Lark back for a new series of programmes

Series 9, Episode 2: Fishing Off The Faroes

Announcer: Ronald Fletcher

Ladies and gentlemen we present The Navy Lark by Laurie Wyman and starring Jon Pertwee, Leslie Phillips and Stephen Murray.

There's only one thing worse than knowing what's going on, and that's not knowing when something obviously is, especially when you're utterly convinced that whatever it is that everybody is keeping to themselves, it concerns you. Like that letter addressed to your wife in masculine handwriting you don't recognise which she giggles at all through breakfast and looks you straight in the eye, stops laughing and stuffs it in her handbag. Or, there's that unhappy moment in the office when your immediate superior is called in to the boss. After half an hour he comes out, pats you on the shoulder, goes back to his desk and never says another word. For the rest of your career you'll never know whether he just talked you out of promotion or the sack. C.P.O. Pertwee is in this particular dilemma at the moment. He wants to know why Number One has been hastily summoned to Captain Povey's Office this morning. Something regrettable is going to drop on somebody, and the Chief is determined to know what, on who, where, why, who by and when.
Have been fishing in the troubled waters of

Series 9, Episode 3: A Filthy Ferryboat

Announcer: Ronald Fletcher

Ladies and gentlemen we present The Navy Lark by Laurie Wyman and starring Leslie Phillips, Stephen Murray and Jon Pertwee.

If ever there's a moment in your life when you have cause to feel utter consternation and alarm, it is when you know some part of your personal property is going to be subjected to the evil eyed scrutiny of an expert. One thing is certain, no matter what it is, it will be inspected and found wanting. Like the time you decide to sell your car. After three days of back breaking polishing and ingenious concealment of the major faults, the dealer arrives. After a quick walk round he's spotted four clapped out parts which can't be replaced because they don't make spares for your model anymore, discovered all the faults you so cunningly covered up, poked his finger through the rust at the bottom of the door and finally promised not to report that your road tax licence is out of date on condition that you pay him a fiver to tow the disintegrating heap of rusty junk away. But, this soul-destroying experience is nothing compared with the utter misery of a ship's inspection in the Navy. Particularly if your ship happens to be Troutbridge, and inspection is being carried out by The Admiral.
Have been cleaning up

Series 9, Episode 4: Jigsaws And Jemmies

Announcer: Ronald Fletcher

Ladies and gentlemen we present The Navy Lark by Laurie Wyman and starring Stephen Murray, Jon Pertwee and Leslie Phillips.

Have you noticed that always when you have a really important appointment something or somebody delays you? It'll be the morning when your alarm clock goes off half an hour late, your clean socks, instead of being a pair, turn out to be one of each, the lock on the bathroom door jams, the butter won't spread because its straight out of the fridge so your knife skids off the toast and knocks your cup of coffee all over you. You now have to go back upstairs and change into the suit that everybody from your five-year-old daughter to your Boss says you should never have bought. However, these little problems are nothing compared with the major one that Sub-Lieutenant Phillips is about to experience as he joins the Padre in the wardroom.
Have been doing a disastricle to

Series 9, Episode 5: The Naval Review

Announcer: Ronald Fletcher

Ladies and gentlemen we present The Navy Lark by Laurie Wyman and starring Jon Pertwee, Leslie Phillips and Stephen Murray.

Although most of us worry from time to time, there are people whose vivid imagination causes them to live in an almost permanent state of apprehension and alarm. For them the chink of a milk bottle in the small hours is never a prowling cat, must be an incredibly clumsy burglar. The footsteps that follow them down their quite road are never those of a patrolling policeman, no, no, no they must belong to Jack the Ripper or Sam the Strangler, probably both. The natural leader of this unhappy band of apprehensive brothers is Chief Petty Officer Pertwee. Anything he doesn't already know about or understand is a dead cert to be stuffed full of utter doom and disaster.
Have been deliberately abandoned in

Series 9, Episode 6: The Curious Caravan Case

Announcer: Ronald Fletcher

Ladies and gentlemen we present The Navy Lark by Laurie Wyman and starring Leslie Phillips, Stephen Murray and Jon Pertwee.

These days our lives are beset by rules and regulations. But have you realised that who ever makes them never bothers to put up a notice telling us what we can do. He's much too busy putting up notices telling us what we can't do. Take the average man who goes out in his car. He's immediately faced with No Right Turn, No Left Turn, No Overtaking, No Entry, No Exit, No Waiting, No Parking and he's in a No Through Road so he's had it for a start. As he can't drive he decides to have a drink, mistake number two. He's met with No Dogs Allowed, No Children Allowed, No Singing In The Bar, No Betting Slips, No Cheques Cashed and No responsibility whatever taken for his coat. So, what's left? A quiet walk in the park? Ha, mistake number 3. No Paddling In The Pool, No Climbing Trees, No Leaving Litter, Trespassers Will Be Prosecuted, Keep Off The Grass, Don't Pick The Flowers, Do Not Touch, Keep Out, Penalty Five Pounds. Of course, the Navy has it's forbidden areas too, and never more so than one of Her Majesty's dock yards. As Sub-Lieutenant Phillips is about to discover as he lunges in all innocence at the bottom of the gangway to H.M.S. Troutbridge.
Have been going caravaning in

Series 9, Episode 7: Frenchmen In J.41

Announcer: Ronald Fletcher

Ladies and gentlemen we present The Navy Lark by Laurie Wyman and starring Stephen Murray, Jon Pertwee and Leslie Phillips.

The good neighbour policy is something we are all encouraged to pursue and it's an excellent idea. Provided that your good neighbour stays on his side of the fence. And even from there he can still strain your good intentions to breaking point. For instance, why does he have to light a bonfire on the first fine Sunday afternoon? So that you are driven out of your own garden by the thick fog he's created by burning two tonnes of last year's compost, six motor tires and a plastic mackintosh. But it's when your neighbour ventures over your side of the fence that the trouble really starts. And if it's an international neighbour, and an international fence, then it's wise to take every possible precaution if you want to avoid an international incident. At least that's what the Admiral has in mind when he goes to call on Captain Povey with his wretched Flag Lieutenant in customary tow.
Have been having a bit of trouble with the French in

Series 9, Episode 8: The Police Drop In

Announcer: Ronald Fletcher

Ladies and gentlemen we present The Navy Lark by Laurie Wyman and starring Jon Pertwee, Leslie Phillips and Stephen Murray.

It is the duty of each and every one of us, as upright and respected citizens, to render assistance to the police whenever we can. This doesn't mean one should dive into the middle of Piccadilly Circus at rush hour and attempt to direct the snarled-up traffic with the aid of one's umbrella, no, no. Nor is it helpful or even advisable to approach a constable on duty with a kindly offer to retune his whistle. And driving at eighty miles an hour in front of a police car in order to clear a way for them can also have… can have disastrous consequences. Of course, as private individuals our efforts to help the law are purely voluntary but for the armed forces a police request for assistance is a very different matter. The only voluntary thing about it is the smile on the Commanding Officer's face as he details You, You and You. Although he doesn't know it, Captain Povey is about to witness just such a smile when he too is detailed to volunteer to help the police by the Admiral.
Have been tangling with the law in

Series 9, Episode 9: Mr Murray's Endurance Course

Announcer: Ronald Fletcher

Ladies and gentlemen we present The Navy Lark by Laurie Wyman and starring Leslie Phillips, Stephen Murray and Jon Pertwee.

Whatever job you hold there's always that ghastly day when your employer tells you he's reviewed your past year's work and decided to send you on a training course. This means either that you've been marked down for promotion in the near future or you've made such a pig's breakfast of your job in the last twelve months, he's sending you on a course as a sort of last-ditch chance. As an employer the Senior Service is no exception to this rule, but when the Royal Navy is represented by Captain Povey and the employee selected for the course is the First Lieutenant of H.M.S. Troutbridge Mr Murray, well the victim may as well resign his commission now and save time.
Have been assaulting

Series 9, Episode 10: Women In The Wardroom

Announcer: Ronald Fletcher

Ladies and gentlemen we present The Navy Lark by Laurie Wyman and starring Stephen Murray, Jon Pertwee and Leslie Phillips.

Most of us do a certain amount of entertaining in our own home, usually we hope with success. But have you noticed it's when you've specially prepared for that special guest that the trouble starts. It's always just as he knocks on the front door the electric bulb in the hall goes fut. Still you can laugh that off because you know you've taken the trouble to buy a bottle of his favourite whisky. And it's just as you're pouring him a large one he tells you he's gone off scotch and now only drinks gin. Which you haven't got. And finally, it's bound to be this particular evening that your small daughter chooses to lock herself in that particular room, which he wants to use, and refuses to come out until she's been told a story through the keyhole. By him. And today preparations for the entertainment of a special guest are taking place in the wardroom of H.M.S. Troutbridge.
Have been redecorating

Series 9, Episode 11: Troutbridge's Silver Jubilee Party

Announcer: Ronald Fletcher

Ladies and gentlemen, with a particular welcome to a delegation from our sister ship H.M.S. Troubridge, we present The Navy Lark by Laurie Wyman. Starring Leslie Phillips, Stephen Murray and Jon Pertwee.

I imagine everyone cops a rocket from time to time but have you noticed the variety of ways that rockets can be delivered? For example, there's the friendly rocket launcher, he's the chap who spends the evening buying you drinks in your local, knowing full well he took three summonses out against you in the morning. Lieutenant Murray, the Number One of H.M.S. Troutbridge, has the more oblique approach with his rockets. You never know it's on it's way until it hits you as C.P.O. Pertwee is about to find out when he's called into the wardroom.
Have been celebrating their important anniversary in

Series 9, Episode 12: CECIL The Navigation Computer

Announcer: Michael De Morgan

Ladies and gentlemen we present The Navy Lark by Laurie Wyman and starring Jon Pertwee, Leslie Phillips and Stephen Murray.

There's no doubt about it that in the future this particular period of civilisation will be remembered as The Scientific Age. Almost every week the backroom boys of industry invent some new gadget to advance progress and make our lives easier, they tell us. For instance, what housewife could ever be without that new, super electric sewing machine with the 46 attachments that can do everything a tailor can do in half the time? It comes with one compulsory extra, a qualified operator to work it. And what about the latest mixing machine that chops as it grinds as it beats as it whisks as it completely annihilates everything you put into it? This is supplied with six spare sponges for wiping down the kitchen walls after use. Of course, the men are not forgotten, there's now a new electric razor with the ultra-modern rotating bandsaw action guaranteed to shave the toughest beard, provided you're not over 12 years of age. And naturally the Royal Navy is also subjected to a fair share of scientific aids to progress. The latest of these is the reason why Captain Povey and Second Officer McCluty of the WRENs Communication Section have been summoned from Portsmouth to a high-level conference at the Ministry of Defence in Whitehall.
Have been computerising

Series 9, Episode 13: A Russian Rendezvous

Announcer: Michael De Morgan

Ladies and gentlemen we present The Navy Lark by Laurie Wyman and starring Leslie Phillips, Stephen Murray and Jon Pertwee.

Most people look forward to Friday because for many of us it's the end of the working week. It's the day we get paid, if the firm is still solvent, and as we hurry to catch the Five Thirty we know the train is taking us home to a weekend of rest and relaxation. Unfortunately, Friday is also the day that can finish your beautiful weekend before it even starts. It's the day your wife suddenly develops a heavy cold and has to retire to bed leaving you with a straight 48 hours of cooking, scrubbing, cleaning and baby-sitting. It's the day when a week of glorious sunshine comes to a dead halt and the monsoon season sets in. It's also the day when the boss gives you that folder to glance through at home if you have a minute. Which means you are going to be working like the clappers until well after midnight on Sunday. Even in the Navy, Friday can be the day that heralds a distinctly dodgy weekend as Captain Povey is about to find out.
Have been seeing red in

Series 9, Episode 14: The Bugged And Burgled Beer

Announcer: Ronald Fletcher

Ladies and gentlemen we present The Navy Lark by Laurie Wyman starring Stephen Murray, Jon Pertwee and Leslie Phillips.

Whatever article you buy these days the only thing you can be utterly certain will last is the amount of trouble you're going to have with the blooming thing as soon as you get it home. Like the paint brush which is guaranteed pure bristle but the plastic handle melts when you put it in paint. Or the second-hand van you buy which has only one previous owner, it's not until you got the log book you discover the one previous owner was the Royal Mail. Or that splendid pullover that's pre-shrunk and the first time it's washed it stretches until it could fit a man four times your size. Aboard H.M.S. Troutbridge Chief Petty Officer Pertwee has a very real purchasing problem which is why he's remaining out of sight in his favourite hidey hole, the far corner of number two hold.
Have been bugging

Series 9, Episode 15: Picking Up The Poppadom

Announcer: Ronald Fletcher

Ladies and gentlemen we present The Navy Lark by Laurie Wyman and starring Jon Pertwee, Leslie Phillips and Stephen Murray.

There's an old adage which says neither a borrower nor a lender be, which is good advice for everybody - unless of course one happens to be a public librarian. Borrowing and lending is always fraught with problems. For instance, why does your neighbour always return the lawnmower you leant him at the very moment when you just convinced your wife you can't cut the grass after all because he's still got it? And, and that suitcase you borrowed from your maiden aunt, why does she want it back just as you've finished packing? So that you have to go on your crafty weekend to Paris carrying your toothbrush and pyjamas in a paper carrier bag. Probably with Clutterbuck for Fresh Fish written across the side of it. Sometimes the return of one's property can cause much embarrassment, especially when it's been gone so long you've forgotten about it. This is the situation facing Mr Merrivale, the Director of Naval Expenditure, as he discusses it with The Admiral in Captain Povey's office.
Have been flying in the face of

Series 9, Episode 16: Cuthbert Joins The Navy

Announcer: Ronald Fletcher

Ladies and gentlemen we present The Navy Lark by Laurie Wyman and starring Leslie Phillips, Stephen Murray and Jon Pertwee.

There comes a morning in every man's life when he's awakened by a prolonged and spine-chilling high-pitched scream which has him out of bed and into his dressing gown before his befuddled wits finally identify it as the sound of the vacuum cleaner going full blast on the landing. Convinced he must have overslept he rapidly washes and dresses and hurries downstairs more quickly than usual, physically because he trips over the dustpan and brush that's been left on the top step. Picking himself up he limps into the kitchen only to fall flat on his dignity again the moment he puts his foot in the tin of floor polish that's been left on the lino. From this recumbent position he's able to stare up at the kitchen clock which mutely informs him it's still only half past six. But it's when his wife then tells him that there's no breakfast because she's too busy cleaning that he finally realises what the panic is about. One of her lot is coming to visit. Well in Captain Povey's household he always knows the night before because he's the one who's made to do all the cleaning and polishing. So, the following day all his wife Ramona has to do is to tidy up Captain Povey himself.
Have been recruiting for

Series 9, Episode 17: The Flying Machine

Announcer: Ronald Fletcher

Ladies and gentlemen we present The Navy Lark by Laurie Wyman and starring Stephen Murray, Jon Pertwee and Leslie Phillips.

Even if one has the ready cash available one of the most difficult things to buy is a four-penny stamp. On arrival at the post office you join the queue. After twenty minutes of doing a slow forward shuffle, and having your trousers gummed up by the half-sucked lollypop being wielded like a tennis racket by the small boy behind you, you arrive at the counter just in time to see the clerk put up the notice 'Position closed', and since it's now 5.31 so is the rest of the post office. Then, you rush outside to the stamp machines, jam your four-pence into this one, lift the little flap and find you're now the proud owner of an 18-strip of ha'penny stamps. And that's when you wish you'd used a bigger envelope. It also means you're going to cop seven extra licks of horrible fish glue. A flavour that even Able Seaman Johnson finds it very hard to develop a taste for.
Have been frustrating the spark of invention in

Series 9, Episode 18: When Sub Lt Phillips Was At Dartmouth

Announcer: Ronald Fletcher

Ladies and gentlemen, with a particular welcome to a delegation from our sister ship H.M.S. Troubridge, we present The Navy Lark by Laurie Wyman and starring Jon Pertwee, Leslie Phillips and Stephen Murray.

I suppose we all learn eventually that things aren't always what they seem to be. For instance, take that insignificant looking little twit in the minicar whose block you just threatened to knock off, and when he unwinds himself and gets out of the car you find he's six foot three and built like an all-in wrestler. But even to an experienced Royal Naval Navigation Officer like Sub Lieutenant Phillips there are times when the unexpected can happen, and usually does.
Have been doing some historical research in

Series 9, Episode 19: A Fishy Business

Announcer: Ronald Fletcher

Ladies and gentlemen we present The Navy Lark by Laurie Wyman and starring Stephen Murray, Jon Pertwee and Leslie Phillips.

Of all social engagements perhaps the one most fraught with difficulties is the invitation to dine out with friends. It starts the moment you enter a restaurant and discover your host and hostess have not arrived. Four drinks and half an hour later you begin to wonder if they said eight o'clock on the ninth or nine o'clock on the eighth. Your wife checks her diary and discovers you've got the date and time right but you're in the wrong restaurant. Well when you finally arrive at the right one, you're now over an hour late and your host hasn't been able to hold the table any longer, and also, owing to a trade fair, all the other restaurants are fully booked so you all end up back at your place wearing full evening dress eating baked beans on toast. Course these problems are nothing compared with the ones confronting Able Seaman Johnson and Leading Seaman Goldstein when they're invited to dine out with Chief Petty Officer Pertwee.
Have been frying up in

Series 9, Episode 20: Troutbridge In Quarantine

Announcer: Ronald Fletcher

Ladies and gentlemen we present The Navy Lark by Laurie Wyman starring Jon Pertwee, Leslie Phillips and Stephen Murray.

No matter how well stocked your store cupboard may be, it invariably lets you down when you least expect it and always when the shops have just closed. For instance, you're quietly confident when those chaps from the rugger club suddenly arrive on your doorstep with a heck of a thirst because you know that you have a reserve stock of cans of beer. What you don't know is that you've lost the little gadget to open them and attempting to open a can with a cork screw is the fastest way possible to give your hair a beer rinse and collect a suit that smells like a brewery. The Royal Navy never suffers from these inconveniences of course, if they require anything they simply ident for it, or as C.P.O. Pertwee puts it - give main stores another bashing.
Have been painting pink spots on The Navy Lark written by Lawrie Wyman. For the last time in the current series

The Navy Lark - Series 10 - 13th October 1968 to 09th February 1969

Series 10, Episode 1: Troutbridge Electrifies Portsmouth

Announcer: Michael De Morgan

Ladies and gentlemen we present The Navy Lark by Laurie Wyman and starring Stephen Murray, Jon Pertwee and Leslie Phillips.

I've no idea who it was who wrote absence makes the heart grow fonder but it certainly wasn't Captain Povey about the crew of H.M.S. Troutbridge. For some months now, with Troutbridge at sea and well away from Portsmouth dockyard, life in Captain Povey's office has gone smoothly. Except for the day he told a disreputable looking old gentleman cutting the hedge outside the Admiral's house to smarten himself up a bit if he wished to continue being employed. Unfortunately, the disreputable looking old gentleman was the Admiral in his gardening clothes. However, after abject apologies, polishing the Admirals gardening boots for half an hour and finally ending up having to cut the Admiral's hedge himself, Captain Povey managed to survive with his commission intact. Whether it will still be intact after what is going to happen to him in his office today is another matter.
Have been lighting up The Navy Lark back for a new series of programmes written by Lawrie Wyman

Series 10, Episode 2: The Redundancy Drive

Announcer: Michael De Morgan

Ladies and gentlemen we present The Navy Lark by Laurie Wyman and starring Stephen Murray, Leslie Phillips and Jon Pertwee.

If there's err one thing Captain Povey really enjoys it's getting to his office every morning, and if you ever met Mrs Povey you can understand his enthusiasm. For Old Thunderguts, Portsmouth dockyard isn't the place where he has to slave over a hot desk, it's sanctuary. However, this morning his desk is incredibly hot, at least the signal from the Ministry of Defence that's lying on it most certainly is. Not that he will see it immediately because his secretary, WREN Chasen, opens all the mail and she knows a Top Brass whizzbang when she sees one. So it's at the bottom of the pile of codswallop the civil servants will insist on sending.
Have been defending

Series 10, Episode 3: The Smugglers Return

Announcer: Michael De Morgan

Ladies and gentlemen we present The Navy Lark by Laurie Wyman and starring Leslie Phillips, Stephen Murray and Jon Pertwee.

There's a well known saying that travel broadens the mind. In which case the British Navy must have within it's ranks a bunch of the broadest minded matlows afloat. They are of course the crew of H.M.S. Troutbridge. Even on a simple journey from A to B they habitually call at the remaining 24 letters of the alphabet on route, and they still hold the proud record of 13 weeks, 27 ports of call, four refuelings at sea and six completely filled log books for the trip between Portsmouth and the Isle of White. Of course, since then Sub Lieutenant Phillips, the navigating officer, has begun to get the hang of it and now having just managed to get to France and back he's feeling rather pleased with himself as the ship approaches Portsmouth.
Have been dredging their way through

Series 10, Episode 4: Commander Trotter Takes Charge

Announcer: Michael De Morgan

Ladies and gentlemen we present The Navy Lark by Laurie Wyman and starring Stephen Murray, Jon Pertwee and Leslie Phillips.

There are certain people who appear to go through life completely unaware of what is going on around them. Needless to say, Chief Petty Officer Pertwee is not one of them. The Chief goes through life determined to find out what is going on, wherever it's going on, somehow. Life's little mysteries mean only one thing to Pertwee, someone is up to something Pertwee doesn't know about, but Pertwee intends to know about, so Pertwee can be reasonably sure that when the Big One drops, it won't fall on Pertwee, cause Pertwee knows which way to duck.
Have been instructing their new C.O. in the ways of

Series 10, Episode 5: The Anti-Submarine Missile

Announcer: Michael De Morgan

Ladies and gentlemen we present The Navy Lark by Laurie Wyman and starring Jon Pertwee, Leslie Phillips and Stephen Murray.

It's always when things are going smoothly and one is at peace with the world that some clot comes along to louse it up. When you left the wife to go to the office in the morning the sun shone from your door knob, but by the time you put one tired tootsie on the garden path in the evening she's hoisted the draw bridge and is standing by to pour boiling oil over your bonce from the bathroom window. How were you to know the idiot from the gas, electricity or water board was going to turn up in your absence with his spanner all of a quiver to cut off your supply? Just because you've forgotten to post the envelope with the cheque in it that she gave you a week ago. In any case, you're going to get a stamp for it first thing tomorrow. Well the lull before the storm is happening in Captain Povey's office at the moment, but the first crash of thunder is about to reverberate any minute now.
Have been visiting Broadstairs in

Series 10, Episode 6: Sub-Conductor Phillips

Announcer: Michael De Morgan

Ladies and gentlemen we present The Navy Lark by Laurie Wyman and starring Leslie Phillips, Stephen Murray and Jon Pertwee.

For most of us these days shopping is a matter of trying to work out which of the four-pence off special offers have only gone up six-pence since last week. Apart from the charm sized box only being half full anyway. The only thing we don't have to bother about is counting our change, because there isn't any. Sub-Lieutenant Phillips never has to bother about pound notes either. After he's paid his wardroom account, he never has anything left anyway. It doesn't all go on drinks and entertainment of course, his astronomical bill is for breakages and his weekly comics. This naturally presents him with a very real problem when the time finally comes when he has to admit that he's just got to have a new uniform somehow. There's no point in discussing this with his last two tailors as they're more interested in discussing his outstanding accounts for the last two uniforms. Fortunately as he sits in the wardroom worrying about it, and getting on the Padre's wick about it, help or disaster in the shape of Chief Petty Officer Pertwee is on the way.
Have been accredited to

Series 10, Episode 7: The South Kawowan Summit

Announcer: Michael De Morgan

Ladies and gentlemen we present The Navy Lark by Laurie Wyman and starring Stephen Murray, Jon Pertwee and Leslie Phillips.

The decent, likeable chaps one meets at the bar of the local all know what you mean when ten minutes too late you finally say 'Time I was pushing on boys otherwise there'll be questions in the house.' It means as soon as you open your front door your wife is going to say 'I suppose you've been pouring good money down the throats of all those drunken layabouts in that filthy pub again?' The only consolation being that as she hates what she calls that 'Den of vice' so much there's a fairly sporting chance she'll never set foot in it. However, there is the real House where equally ghastly questions are put almost daily, and the members usually find there's no answer to them either. Mind you that never stops them from trying to catch The Speaker's eye in an effort to make a completely fatuous speech instead. At least so that all the other members who are awake know you've turned up.
Have been fearlessly hospitable in

Series 10, Episode 8: Pertwee's Enlistment Expires

Announcer: Michael De Morgan

Ladies and gentlemen we present The Navy Lark by Laurie Wyman and starring Jon Pertwee, Leslie Phillips and Stephen Murray.

A summons to Captain Povey's office first thing in the morning means one of two things, and if you're the one who's been summonsed you won't like either of them.
[Phillips] Yes, yes. Mmm. I can see what the ladies mean about you Mr De Morgan.
[Michael] I beg your pardon Mr Phillips?
[Phillips] You are handsome. Mmm, definitely. Mmm.
[Michael] Ha, ha, ha please. I mean. Ha, ha. You, ha, you're making me all umm…
[Phillips] No, no, no you are Mr De Morgan. Yes. You're handsome.
[Michael] Mr Phillips, please. I'm trying to make this…
[Phillips] I mean compared with Pertwee you're a positive Adonis. But then, isn't everybody?
[Michael] Mr…
[Phillips] No, no, I'm not a bit surprised the ladies find you cuddly. They must positively flock round you.
[Michael] Mr Phillips for pity's sake my wife is listening.
[Phillips] Oh clang!
[Michael] Being summonsed to Captain Povey's office is never a good idea for there's only one person who's going to enjoy the interview and that is Old Thunderguts himself. This morning is no exception.
Have been avoiding redundancy in

Series 10, Episode 9: Captain Povey Takes Over

Announcer: Michael De Morgan

Ladies and gentlemen we present The Navy Lark by Laurie Wyman and starring Leslie Phillips, Stephen Murray and Jon Pertwee.

Captain Povey's lot can hardly be called a happy one at the best of times but some days are worse than others.
[Murray] Yes, I see what you mean Mr Phillips, that is a nice suit Mr De Morgan's wearing.
[Phillips] Mmm, yes, yes. Fits him well doesn't it, eh? Yes.
[Michael] Gentlemen please, I'm trying to erm…
[Phillips] I, I wonder where he get's them from?
[Murray] Yeah, no idea. BBC issue probably.
[Michael] It's nothing of the sort. Will you please let me get on with what I was trying to do just now?
[Pertwee] Uh, it's the same one he wears when he reads the news on the telly, I recognise it.
[Phillips] Ah well, that settles it. It is BBC issue.
[Michael] It is not. It is mine.
[Murray] You didn't like the one the BBC issued?
[Michael] The BBC doesn't issue suits, we supply our own.
[Pertwee] Oh the mean lot. Here, isn't there even a John Snagge Memorial Clothing Allowance Fund?
[Michael] No there isn't.
[Pertwee] Oh.
[Michael] Look will you please go away and let me…
[Murray] It's just his own shirt too.
[Michael] Shut up!
[Phillips] Oh well, if that's the attitude. I hope you shrink it in the launderette.
[Pertwee] So there. Nyaah!
[Murray] Yes, Nyaah!
[Pertwee] Nyaah!
[Phillips] Nyaah!
[Michael] Charming…
[Indistinct] Nyaah!
[Michael] Whoah! As I was saying before I was so rudely interrupted, some days are worse than others for Captain Povey and this is one of them. Having the Admiral arrive in his office first thing is bad enough, but the arrival of his Flag Lieutenant as well makes life intolerable.
Have been exercising

Series 10, Episode 10: Sir Willoughby Goes To Kawowa

Announcer: Michael De Morgan

Ladies and gentlemen we present The Navy Lark by Laurie Wyman and starring Stephen Murray, Jon Pertwee and Leslie Phillips.

The prospect of meeting an Admiral first thing in the morning is enough to give any naval officer a sleepless night.
[Phillips] No, no, no. I think you're wrong Pertwee. It is his own hair.
[Michael] I Beg your pardon?
[Pertwee] I'm very sorry to interrupt Mr De Morgan Sir, announcer of this parish, just a small difference of opinion between Mr Phillips and myself.
[Michael] Oh, well. The prospect of meeting an admiral first thing in…
[Phillips] After all, if it was a wig, you'd be able to see the canvas. There'd be glue marks on the forehead.
[Pertwee] No, no. Not these days sir. No, no. With the sort of money these announcer blokes make they can afford the best.
[Michael] Now look here…
[Pertwee] We are. And I reckon it's a wig.
[Phillips] And I reckon it isn't.
[Pertwee] Then why is it always the same length every week?
[Michael] Not that it's any of your business Mr Pertwee but it is my own hair.
[Phillips] See.
[Pertwee] Then why doesn't it grow?
[Michael] It does grow.
[Pertwee] There you are, I told you Mr Phillips, it is one of the best, it even grows.
[Michael] Oh buzz off! Go on, buzz off! B, b, b, b, b, buzz off, buzz off, go on!
[Phillips] Tut, tut, tut, tut. Just not our class of person.
[Pertwee] Very common.
[Murray] Just not what they were in the days of Savoy Hill, are they?
[Michael] As I was saying…
[Phillips] He's upset, Chief.
[Pertwee] You can tell.
[Murray] His ears are going pink.
[Michael] Ladies and gentlemen, the prospect of meeting an Admiral first thing in the morning is one thing, but having to meet his Flag Lieutenant first thing is going beyond the call of duty. A statement with which Captain Povey would heartily agree.
Have been crashing their way through

Series 10, Episode 11: The Pardre's Birthday

Announcer: Michael De Morgan

Ladies and gentlemen we present The Navy Lark by Laurie Wyman and starring Jon Pertwee, Leslie Phillips and Stephen Murray.

Anniversaries always create a lot of excitement, particularly if it's your wife's birthday or your wedding anniversary and you've forgotten it.
[Murray] No, no, I think you're wrong Mr Phillips. It's not a whisky-flush Mr De Morgan's got. It's just the heat from the lights in the studio.
[Michael] Gentlemen please, I'm trying to make this announcement.
[Phillips] I suppose it's just possible that he's sickening for something, Sir.
[Michael] I'm as fit as a fiddle.
[Murray] There's a lot of it about, of course.
[Phillips] Yes, well he's got it for a start.
[Michael] I've not got it what ever it is. I'm merely trying to make this announcement.
[Pertwee] I should hurry it up mate, yes. It's the voice that goes first you know. One moment, (effected voice) here is the news, the next moment, (forced coughing noise).
[Michael] Do you mind, I'm perfectly well.
[Phillips] I wonder who they'll get to take Mr De Morgan's place? When he's gone.
[Murray] Oh they've got dozens of them. Broadcasting House is jam packed full of them. They keep them in cupboards.
[Michael] They do not keep us in cupboards.
[Pertwee] Skinflints.
[Michael] Now look here, will you all shut up. I've had more than enough of this. I'm not standing for any more. I'm here to make this announcement and make it I will, understand?
[Murray] That's another sign of course.
[Phillips] Yes, short temper.
[Murray] All part of the fever I suppose.
[Pertwee] Yes, quite, yes. Which would account for the whisky-flush.
[Michael] Shut up!
[Pertwee] Oh! Oh, how common. Still one must not titter at the afflicted.
[Michael] I'm perfectly well. At least, um, I was feeling alright.
[Phillips] Then make your announcement whilst there's still time, old man.
[Michael] Thank you. There's an anniversary aboard H.M.S. Troutbridge in the near future, which is why Lieutenant Murray has called a meeting in the wardroom.
Presented the Padre in

Series 10, Episode 12: The Portsmouth Kiosk

Announcer: Michael De Morgan

Ladies and gentlemen we present The Navy Lark by Laurie Wyman and starring Leslie Phillips, Stephen Murray and Jon Pertwee.

We're all creatures of habit which is fine as long as one of us doesn't suddenly change all his. Then the rest panic and get curious…
[Murray] Yes, yes, I see what you mean, Mr Phillips.
[Phillips] Mmm, you agree, mmm. Mr De Morgan's suit jacket isn't quite the same colour as his trousers, is it?
[Pertwee] No, same pattern but the jacket's darker.
[Michael] It's nothing of the sort, it's just a suit.
[Phillips] Oh, oh, oh it's two different colours.
[Michael] Y… No!
[Pertwee] Well perhaps he'd had two pairs of trousers when he bought it and this is the older pair?
[Murray] Yes. You'd think he'd wear his best trousers for us, wouldn't you?
[Michael] These are my best. I mean, I haven't got two pairs of trousers.
[Pertwee] Ah, these days who has? Uh, perhaps you could have those died to match the jacket?
[Michael] They do match. Don't they? Sorry.
[Phillips] Pity. It's a nice jacket.
[Pertwee] Alright for reading the news on the telly, in it? Cause he sits behind a desk for that.
[Phillips] Quite. Needn't wear trousers at all.
[Murray] Probably doesn't.
[Michael] Shut up!
[Phillips] Perhaps he got the suit in a sale and they gave him the wrong jacket for the trousers.
[Pertwee] No shouldn't think so, no. No, he probably wore the trousers for gardening and tried to wash them himself.
[Murray] Never works, does it? Apart from anything else you get pockets full of suds every time it rains.
[Michael] Now look here will you please stop sniping at my sartorial imperfections and desist from distributing doubtful and dubious declarations about my dodgy old duds in order that I can proclaim this proud pronouncement to your production.
[Phillips] Corr, isn't education a wonderful thing?
[Michael] Ladies and gentlemen as I was about to say in my odd suit, we're all creatures of habit but it's very worrying when anyone as predictable as Mr Phillips starts to change his, as the wardroom of Troutbridge is about to find out.
Have been blowing up

Series 10, Episode 13: The Radio Beacon

Announcer: Michael De Morgan

Ladies and gentlemen we present The Navy Lark by Laurie Wyman and starring Stephen Murray, Jon Pertwee and Leslie Phillips.

When Edison Bell invented the telephone, he really didn't know what he was doing to everybody. Jolly useful for chatting up one's friends but it also means people who aren't friends can get at you and be terribly rude without the risk of being belted in the boosh. 'Owever for Captain Povey…
[Phillips] I say, Sir. Did you notice that? He dropped an H when he said however.
[Murray] Who did? Oh, Mr De Morgan. Now I'm not surprised. He's always doing it.
[Pertwee] Yeah, yeah he does it on the telly as well, Sir. He's the one who says 'And ''ere is the news.'
[Michael] I do nothing of the sort.
[Phillips] Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha. You do you know. You 'oist south combs over the 'ebrides as well.
[Michael] I do not.
[Murray] You can't say meteorological office.
[Michael] Oh yes I can. The metereor…. Meet…teroligical… Meetyer… aereology
[Pertwee, Phillips, Murray] You see!
[Michael] Oh shut up. In any case, I bet you can't say it either.
[Phillips] Say it. He can't even spell it.
[Murray] Oh now, now that's not fair. He can't even spell Pertwee.
[Pertwee] Oh yes I can. Yaha what? Spell Per..ya-hey. P… U… R… no, P, P doub… P doub… No, wait a minute. P, P E A double Per, Pertwee, well no that can't be right. P O E
[Michael] As I was saying, ha, ha, ha, ha, for Captain Povey the horrible hubbub and hubalaboo caused by the tintabulation of his telephonic communication bell always heralds hiatus, horror and hell for him. Today is no h'eckseption as Old Thunderguts will shortly discover.
Have been shot at in

Series 10, Episode 14: Mr Phillips' Wrong Uniform

Announcer: Michael De Morgan

Ladies and gentlemen we present The Navy Lark by Laurie Wyman and starring Jon Pertwee, Leslie Phillips and Stephen Murray.

Sub-Lieutenant Phillips' navigation methods rather follow along the lines of that other pursuer of lofty and completely impractical methods, Don Quick-sote.
[Murray] Now isn't that odd? I always say Don Quixote.
[Pertwee] Do you really, Mr Murray Sir? I always thought it was Don Quick-sott. What's your vote, Mr Phillips Sir?
[Phillips] Well I don't see what it's got to do with me, I never drink the beastly stuff.
[Michael] Need I say more?
[Murray] Not really, but you will.
[Pertwee] Yeah, you always do Mr De Morgan. I've never known anybody with a cakehole so jam packed full of continuous verboss-ities.
[Phillips] Now isn't that odd? I always thought it was verbose-ities.
[Michael] Oh shut up the lot of you!
[Pertwee] Ooh! Ooh how common.
[Phillips] He's just not our class, is he?
[Murray] No, he's never been the same since he was promoted from using liquid soap in the announcer's washroom. Given a key to the cupboard where they keep the bar of proper soap and allowed to use it in the John Snagge Memorial Gents.
[Michael] Now look here, will you stop talking complete nonsense?
[Pertwee] So that you can?
[Michael] Ye… No! Ladies and gentlemen, as I was saying, Sub-Lieutenant Phillips' navigation is pretty dodgy at the best of times but any change in orders whilst he is at the helm is a certain disaster. Particularly when he's within the confined space of Portsmouth harbour entrance.
Have been masquerading in

Series 10, Episode 15: Harold Wilson Reviews The Fleet

Announcer: Michael De Morgan

Ladies and gentlemen we present The Navy Lark by Laurie Wyman and starring Leslie Phillips, Stephen Murray and Jon Pertwee.

A chap's home is supposed to be his castle but it certainly isn't if it's also his place of work.
[Pertwee] Here, what did you say this bloke's name is, Mr Murray Sir?
[Murray] Him? Oh, err Michael De Morgan.
[Phillips] Odd that.
[Michael] What's odd about it? It's a perfectly good name.
[Phillips] Well you think the BBC would have wanted an Englishman as an announcer, wouldn't you?
[Murray] Yeah, can't be easy for a foreigner.
[Michael] I'm not a foreigner.
[Pertwee] Oh, come off it mate. With a name like that you must be. I mean, I'm not Jon De Pertwee. They're not Leslie De Phillips and Stephen De Murray now are they?
[Murray] Yeah Quite. Suppose it must be French.
[Phillips] Y..yes. In which case I suppose he's really Michelle De Morgon.
[Pertwee] What you mean is, Mr Phillips Sir, that his parents really wanted a girl. Ha, ha, ha.
[Michael] Oh shut up! Now, ladies and gentlemen, as I was about to say.
[Phillips] I wonder if he has to have a work permit.
[Michael] Oh buzz off!
[Pertwee] Watch it mate, you watch it, or we'll have to send you back to your own country as an export reject.
[Michael] Ladies and gentlemen, an Englishman's home is supposed to be his castle, but it certainly isn't if it also happens to be his place of work as well. This certainly applies to a pipe smoking gent in Whitehall, who never gets an evening off at his home - Number 10, The Buildings.
Have been breaking up

Series 10, Episode 16: The Relief Of The Weather Ship

Announcer: Michael De Morgan

Ladies and gentlemen we present The Navy Lark by Laurie Wyman and starring Stephen Murray, Jon Pertwee and Leslie Phillips.

There's nothing like a peaceful day off in the middle of the week. To stay in bed or glance through the windows from time to time and watch all the other idiots working themselves stupid. Of course, for Captain Povey having a day off at home is not quite the same thing. His dear wife Ramona is at home as well. She makes completely certain that not a minute of his free time is wasted in pleasure. There are far too many things that need doing round the house.
Have been weathering

Series 10, Episode 17: The Mickey Mouse Toothbrush

Announcer: Michael De Morgan

Ladies and gentlemen we present The Navy Lark by Laurie Wyman and starring Jon Pertwee, Leslie Phillips and Stephen Murray.

Perhaps the most dangerous invention of the Swinging Sixties is the do-it-yourself man. Why pay a professional when you can wreck whatever it is cheaper? In any case if you mend it there's just a chance the wife won't find out you broke it.
[Murray] Yeah, I see what you mean Pertwee, from the front Mr De Morgan doesn't look at all bad.
[Pertwee] Yeah, quite Sir, yeah. Yeah but from round the back here you can see the seat of his trousers is all shiny.
[Michael] It's not!
[Phillips] Ha, ha, ha, ha. It is you know? You're a mobile mirror.
[Michael] This is my new suit.
[Murray] Oh. In that case it must have been cheap cloth.
[Pertwee] Or second hand.
[Phillips] I wonder how he managed to get his trousers as shiny as that. Perhaps he slides down the banisters at Broadcasting House.
[Murray] No, I shouldn't think so I mean he, he doesn't exactly look the athletic type, does he?
[Pertwee] No Sir, no, no. No, an indoor games man if ever I saw one.
[Phillips] Ha, ha, ha, ha. If what we've heard is true, we know what sort of indoor games, don't we?
[Michael] It's a lie.
[Pertwee] Y-ha, y-ha, ha, ha. Y-ha, ha, ha, ha. Huh, huh. Ooh you dirty old devil. Y-ha, ha, ha, ha.
[Michael] Oh shut your snigger box.
[Pertwee] Ooh! Ooh. Oh, bang goes your John Snagge Good Conduct Medal.
[Michael] I don't care. I came here to make an announcement not to have my trousers insulted.
[Murray] They're alright from the front.
[Pertwee] So make your announcement and then back off the stage. Yeah, nobody'll know then.
[Michael] Oh shut up. Ladies and gentlemen, the do-it-yourself man is dangerous enough around the house but aboard a ship he is complete disaster, as Mr Phillips discovers when he has a little trouble with the plumbing in his cabin and calls in un-able assistance.
Have been bunging up

Series 10, Episode 18: The Brick Smugglers

Announcer: Michael De Morgan

Ladies and gentlemen for the last time in the current series we present The Navy Lark by Laurie Wyman and starring Leslie Phillips, Stephen Murray and Jon Pertwee.

Every man likes an evening out with the boys now and then. The Navy is no exception to this rule, particularly if one of them is skint and the others still have a bob or two left.
[Phillips] He does this chatting nonsense full time, does he?
[Murray] Who? Oh, Mr De Morgan. Yes, he's supplied by the BBC along with the furniture and fittings.
[Pertwee] Furniture and fittings? Oh, you mean that three-legged card table with a primer stove and a kettle on it they call a canteen?
[Murray] Yeah that's right, the one with a cup chained to it.
[Pertwee] Yeah, well never you mind that Sir, look if he's full time does that mean he'll be working next week and earning a bob or two?
[Michael] Course I am. The announcers don't just do one series like you lot, we work all the year round.
[Phillips] Really? And they pay you all the time, do they?
[Michael] Of course.
[Phillips] Interesting.
[Murray] Very.
[Pertwee] Yeah well that means while, whilst we're all round the labour exchange Mr De Morgan will still be copping lolly.
[Murray] Exactly.
[Phillips] Ye-es. Makes you think doesn't it, mmm?
[Murray] Ye-es.
[Phillips] Ye-es.
[Pertwee] Lovely voice.
[Murray] Impeccable pronunciation.
[Phillips] Perfectly turned out at all times.
[Pertwee] A joy to work with.
[Murray] Always punctual.
[Phillips] Never a word out of place.
[Pertwee] Generous to a fault.
[Murray] Highly thought of at Broadcasting House.
[Phillips] Respected by his colleagues.
[Pertwee] Should have had the O.B.E. years ago.
[Michael] Not a penny. You can follow me around for months but not a penny.
[Pertwee] Well. Oh well, shout on skin-flint but don't expect us to giggle at you.
[Phillips] He'd probably make a mistake anyway.
[Murray] Mmm, usually does.
[Pertwee] Oh, I think his tatty turn out makes him nervous.
[Michael] Doh shut up, d'you hear me? Shut up!
[Pertwee] Oh! Oh, temper, temper.
[Phillips] Drunk with power just because he's still working next week I suppose.
[Murray] Yeah, we'll see he gets a nasty slap on the wrist from the Director General for that.
[Michael] I don't care. I'm a human being an I can take so much. For eighteen weeks you've insulted my clothes, you've suggested my hair was a wig, you told me I drop my Hs when I read the news, you said my trousers were shiny and I, I was common. A, and just not you're class of person. Well I'm not. I'm a decent chap. Which is more than can be said for you lot so read your filling announcement for yourself. I'm going back to Broadcasting House for my cup of BBC issued John Snagge approved instant cocoa. Goodbye. Forever!
[Phillips] Ooh. Do you think we said something to upset him?
[Murray] Oh hardly. No take no notice. You read the announcement Mr Phillips. Just pretend nothing's happened.
[Phillips] Me Sir? Oh, right. Erm. (clears throat) Err, Ladies and gentlemen.
[Michael] Stop! One out, the lot out. Michael De Morgan makes the announcements. Ladies and gentlemen, all the chaps like an evening out with the boys. Especially a chap like C.P.O. Pertwee, when he's skint, and the boys he's out with in the pub haven't realised it… yet.
Have been assisting the police with their enquiries for the last in this series in

The Navy Lark - Series 11 - 28th December 1969 to 12th April 1970

Series 11, Episode 1: Commander Murray And The Squatters

Announcer: Jon Curle

Ladies and gentlemen we present The Navy Lark by Laurie Wyman and starring Stephen Murray, Jon Pertwee and Leslie Phillips.

All good things come to an end, even in the Services. The crew of H.M.S. Troutbridge have finished their leave and are on their way back to their ship. For Captain Povey this is definitely the end of a good thing. During their absence his blood pressure has dropped ten points and there was one day when he was even observed to smile, not for long but he did smile. It was not a pretty sight. Everybody thought he'd tried to eat a stick of Portsmouth rock and got it jammed sideways between his cheeks.
[Phillips] Ooh, nasty.
[Curle] Shut up, Mr Phillips. Now get back to the entrance gates of Portsmouth dockyard where Lieutenant Murray and Chief Petty Officer Pertwee have also just arrived on the last possible train from London.
Have been de-squatting Troutbridge in

Series 11, Episode 2: What Is The SSE?

Announcer: Michael De Morgan

Ladies and gentlemen we present The Navy Lark by Laurie Wyman and starring Jon Pertwee, Leslie Phillips and Stephen Murray.

For Captain Povey all days start the same way, after a dirty great plateful of Ramona Povey prepared cereal, the type which ensures Henry is going to be a busy boy later, he then sets off for his office in Portsmouth dockyard supremely happy in the knowledge that today can't possibly be as bad as yesterday. He is always wrong. It's going to be worse.
Have been Admiral hunting in

Series 11, Episode 3: Pertwee Climbs The Promotion Ladder

Announcer: Michael De Morgan

Ladies and gentlemen we present The Navy Lark by Laurie Wyman and starring Leslie Phillips, Stephen Murray and Jon Pertwee.

For Captain Povey, everyday in his office is a new challenge and a fresh problem. For him every directive from Whitehall is like a crossword or a jigsaw puzzle, and he can't solve those either. But today he is in his element, which is a room next door to his office. He's busy interviewing new recruits to The Royal Navy. He's working on the theory that the more sailors he has in his command, the better are the chances that he'll keep his command. A theory that is probably doomed to failure but let's see how he's getting on.
Have been promoting

Series 11, Episode 4: Stranded

Announcer: Michael De Morgan

Ladies and gentlemen we present The Navy Lark by Laurie Wyman and starring Stephen Murray, Jon Pertwee and Leslie Phillips.

In the services there's only one thing worse than actually being in the muck, and that's being poised above it with the certain knowledge that you're going to be dropped in it shortly. Lieutenant Commander Murray and Sub-Lieutenant Phillips are in that uncomfortably elevated position at the moment as they approach Captain Povey's office.
Have been running aground in

Series 11, Episode 5: Sir Willoughby's Party

Announcer: Michael De Morgan

Ladies and gentlemen we present The Navy Lark by Laurie Wyman and starring Jon Pertwee, Leslie Phillips and Stephen Murray.

One of the problems of Mr Murray's promotion is that, as the Captain of Troutbridge, he has by tradition to be invited in to the wardroom by the other officers. He can't use it without their invitation. The problem isn't one that concerns him it concerns the other officers, once they invite him in, they can never get him out again. He likes it there. This morning he's being a perfect pest to the Padre and Lieutenant Sharp, the engineering officer, who've made the mistake of being trapped in the wardroom with him.
Starred in

Series 11, Episode 6: The Fleet Initiative Test

Announcer: Michael De Morgan

Ladies and gentlemen we present The Navy Lark by Laurie Wyman and starring Leslie Phillips, Stephen Murray and Jon Pertwee.

We all take a chance in life. Some of us win, most of us lose. Take Captain Povey, who picked on Ramona in life's lottery for a wife. He lost. Oh boy did he lose. Of course Sub-Lieutenant Phillips passed his navigation exam by answering the right question in the wrong place, so he won. But the Navy lost. But the smart ones of this world, like the Pertwee's, don't believe in leaving things to chance. Err, for a start they outnumber us so when two of them gang up on us, like the Chief and his Uncle Ebenezer, who runs the Ebenezer War Surplus Emporium in Gosport high street, everybody else has certainly – had it.
Have been taking the initiative in

Series 11, Episode 7: CPO Pertwee's Long Service Medal

Announcer: Michael De Morgan

Ladies and gentlemen we present The Navy Lark by Laurie Wyman and starring Stephen Murray, Jon Pertwee and Leslie Phillips.

We all of us have to put up with minor disappointments from time to time. Like the morning when your Mother-in-law is due to go home after an interminable visit and you pull back the bedroom curtains to see thick fog. Or when you ring up the gas board with undeniable proof that their account is hopelessly wrong only to discover they have even better proof that it's perfectly correct. Err, for Chief Petty Officer Pertwee it's one of those days, for it starts with a summons to Captain Povey's office.
Have been proving

Series 11, Episode 8: The Phenomenal Pertwee Tug

Announcer: Michael De Morgan

Ladies and gentlemen we present The Navy Lark by Laurie Wyman and starring Leslie Phillips, Stephen Murray and due to the illness of Jon Pertwee, Frank Thornton.

Like most husbands I'm not much of a do it yourself man around the house as I'm constantly reminded by my wife. I'm nothing like as good as our clever dick next door neighbour is. After a weekend's work he's standing head high in the complete ideal home when I'm standing knee deep in bent nails, pieces of wood that wont fit, knocked over paint tins, rubble, collapsed ceilings and broken-down walls. You name it and I'm standing in it. So I suppose, to a certain extent, is Uncle Ebenezer Pertwee, who is at this moment in Captain Povey's office and about to discover he's got a major redecorating problem on his hands.
Leslie Phillips, Stephen Murray and Frank Thornton have been hunting flying saucers in

Series 11, Episode 9: The Security Clampdown

Announcer: Michael De Morgan

Ladies and gentlemen we present The Navy Lark by Laurie Wyman and starring Leslie Phillips, Stephen Murray and Jon Pertwee.

We all of us have our little secrets. Even I, Michael De Morgan, announcer of this parish, have one. But, um, I'm not telling you otherwise it wouldn't be a secret.
[Phillips] Oh, go on. Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha. Force yourself, Mickey.
[Michael] Mr Phillips, will you please stop taking the Michael. Now, Captain Povey doesn't have a secret, he wishes he had, but he is married to Ramona Povey and with her about he's got about as much chance as Guy Fawkes with out a match. Chief Petty Officer Pertwee thinks he has a million secrets unfortunately they're all known to everybody else including the police. However, Lieutenant Commander Murray really does have a secret which I'm not prepared to divulge, all I will say is that he and his new found lady acquaintance, Rita Ffont-Bittocks, just had a swinging evening at the Gosport and Havant Gasworks Gymkhana, known for short as the G&HGG.
Have been spy catching in

Series 11, Episode 10: The Anniversary And The Washing

Announcer: Michael De Morgan

Ladies and gentlemen we present The Navy Lark by Laurie Wyman and starring Stephen Murray, Jon Pertwee and Leslie Phillips.

We men can't really blame our wives for complaining about the arduous house work they have to do each day. There's the washing machine to be switched on, the washing up machine to be switched on, the coffee percolator to be switched on and Jimmy Young to be switched off. Of course, Captain Povey's wife never complains about the work she has to do, she can't she doesn't do any. She's fortunate in having the complete labour-saving device, her husband Henry.
Have been having trouble with the washing machine in

Series 11, Episode 11: The Forbodians Hijack Troutbridge

Announcer: Michael De Morgan

Ladies and gentlemen we present The Navy Lark by Laurie Wyman and starring Jon Pertwee, Leslie Phillips and Stephen Murray.

My wife and I often have uninvited guests and now through constant practice I can hide the booze in 59 seconds flat. Well, Chief Petty Officer Pertwee is an uninvited guest where ever he goes. The only time he was invited somewhere his hosts spotted all their cutlery for sale in the window of Ebenezer Pertwee's War Surplus Emporium. Luckily, after mentioning C.P.O. Pertwee's name, Nunkie gave them a discount. Ships are like houses, they have their quota of uninvited guests too. Troutbridge has got one this morning, in the loud and menacing shape of Captain Povey.
Have been spy catching in

Series 11, Episode 12: Number One Gets Married

Announcer: Michael De Morgan

Ladies and gentlemen we present The Navy Lark by Laurie Wyman and starring Leslie Phillips, Stephen Murray and Jon Pertwee.

While most of us think about marriage sometime, Captain Povey is married and doesn't like to think about it anytime. Sub-Lieutenant Phillips thinks you can spot a married chap by the wrinkles on his forehead.
[Phillips] Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha. They're not wrinkles - they're marriage lines.
[Michael] But romance comes to all of us eventually even if, as in Lieutenant Commander Murray's case, you don't know about it. At this very minute Admiral Ffont-Bittocks is in Captain Povey's office to discuss the future of his eager daughter, Rita.
With the assistance of Leslie Phillips and Jon Pertwee, Stephen Murray has been getting spliced in

Series 11, Episode 13: The Honeymooners Return

Announcer: Michael De Morgan

Ladies and gentlemen we present The Navy Lark by Laurie Wyman and starring Stephen Murray, Jon Pertwee and Leslie Phillips.

Now we all know there are certain advantages in marrying the boss' daughter. I never benefitted from them because at the time the chief announcer wasn't married. So, for me to ask him if I could marry his daughter could have led to instant dismissal. However, Lieutenant Commander Murray has just married the Admiral's daughter, Rita Ffont-Bittocks, and the crew of Troutbridge realise there are certain built in perks. Not only the obvious ones for him but certain less obvious ones for themselves. Even at this moment Sub-Lieutenant Phillips and Chief Petty Officer Pertwee are waiting respectfully at the head of the gangplank for the return of their Captain and his bride from their honeymoon.
Have been bombarding

Series 11, Episode 14: CPO Pertwee And The Lead Half Crowns

Announcer: Michael De Morgan

Ladies and gentlemen we present The Navy Lark by Laurie Wyman and starring Jon Pertwee, Leslie Phillips and Stephen Murray.

On those occasion when there's nothing on the telly and The Navy Lark isn't on the radio, what better way to enjoy yourself than to take the advice of the commercial and spend an evening at your local? There's lots to talk about, the short measure, the high prices and the fact that Frank brought you a light ale and when you brought him one back it cost you 35 and six because of the 14 friends with him you hadn't noticed. Added to this, someone burnt a hole in your coat with their cigarette end, and the stool you sat on was damp and that left everyone with a false impression when you stood up, and you got done by the breathalyser on the way home. Well, undeterred by this prospect Lieutenant Commander Murray and Sub-Lieutenant Phillips are determined to enjoy their evening out at the Popple's Head in Portsmouth.
Have been trying for the jackpot in

Series 11, Episode 15: Sub-Lt Phillips To Leave For Dartmouth

Announcer: Michael De Morgan

Ladies and gentlemen we present The Navy Lark by Laurie Wyman and starring Leslie Phillips, Stephen Murray and Jon Pertwee.

There's no future in digging up the past. For instance, what could be worse than attending your old school's reunion? They are all there, and they haven't changed a bit. There's the Maths Master you used to call Old Baldy who now calls you Old Baldy. There's Old Tubbs the English Master who now calls you Old Tubbs and there's the young and attractive French Mistress who you used to wish would keep you in after school and looking at her twenty years later, oh boy you're glad she didn't.
[Phillips] Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha. You went to the wrong school, eh?
[Michael] So did you. The Royal Naval College Dartmouth has exactly the same sort of old school problems and at least one of them is heading your way, any minute now.
Dartmouth Naval College has had a narrow escape with Leslie Phillips, Stephen Murray and Jon Pertwee in

Series 11, Episode 16: The Mark 31 Radar

Announcer: Michael De Morgan

Ladies and gentlemen we present The Navy Lark by Laurie Wyman and starring Stephen Murray, Jon Pertwee and Leslie Phillips.

The only thing that's right about the Wife's family for most men is that at least they're her's, not yours. It's very fortunate with my parents in law, we get on terribly well together, except when we actually meet. Lieutenant Commander Murray is in a worse position. Being married to the Admiral's daughter means that he is their property by right of possession. They own his house, his job and his uniform. Fortunately he and his parents in law get on terribly well together, except when they actually meet.
Have been bashing up the radar for the last time in this series of

The Navy Lark - Series 12 - 16th May 1971 to 25th July 1971

Series 12, Episode 1: The Put-A-Horse-Out-To-Graze Fund

Announcer: Michael De Morgan

Ladies and gentlemen we present The Navy Lark written by Laurie Wyman and George Evans and starring Stephen Murray, Jon Pertwee and Leslie Phillips.

All good things come to an end an unfortunately for the Admiralty this is terribly true, the crew of H.M.S. Troutbridge are back from leave. Well naturally they've all enjoyed themselves, Sub-Lieutenant Phillips has spent his time playing games with ladies of the opposite sex, Lieutenant Commander Murray, being a newlywed, has spent his time confined to married quarters and being a newlywed, the married quarters were his own, and Chief Petty Officer Pertwee let's face it, nobody knows what he's been up to.
[Pertwee] Well how could they? I wore gloves.
[Michael] Quite, and to quote Captain Povey 'Pertwee's absence makes the heart grow fonder, and Pertwee's presence makes you put your name down for a transplant'. A sentiment shared by the dockyard police about the entire crew as one by one they enter the dockyard gates.
Have been rattling their collecting tins in

Series 12, Episode 2: Impressions For Survival

Announcer: Michael De Morgan

Ladies and gentlemen we present The Navy Lark written by Laurie Wyman and George Evans and starring Jon Pertwee, Leslie Phillips and Stephen Murray.

We all know when we've done it once too often. There's the time when you wake up the following morning and you know you should have refused that last brown ale because your wrist watch sounds like Big Ben. Or when you get home from work and your wife sits you in front of the fire, hands you your pipe, puts on your slippers and tells you she's prepared a special meal for your guess what? When you have guessed what you remember it's your anniversary, you haven't got her anything and the shops are shut. In the Navy you never have to guess what. You're very quickly told when you're in the...
[Phillips] Oh nasty.
[Michael] Exactly. And that applies directly to you Mr Phillips, and the rest of the crew of H.M.S. Troutbridge.
[Phillips] Oh lummie. You don't mean Captain Povey's found out about my minute, hardly worth talking about, tiny little accident when we docked last night?
[Michael] Not yet but he's about to. In fact, the report is the first thing he's going to read when he arrives in his office this morning.
Have been demonstrating the art of personal survival in

Series 12, Episode 3: The Beard-Growing Race

Announcer: Michael De Morgan

Ladies and gentlemen we present The Navy Lark written by Laurie Wyman and George Evans and starring Leslie Phillips, Stephen Murray and Jon Pertwee.

Some men are born with the gambling instinct. They'll bet on anything, hence the wedding ceremony. They'll wager on anything from horses to how many peas there are in a pod. Chief Petty Officer Pertwee is one of these with one added ingredient, if he asks you to bet on how many peas there are in a pod, you learnt he's secretly opened that particular pod, counted the peas and stuck it together again. Well tonight he's about to set off a dead cert, which in this case is not the waitress of the Gosport and Havant Lord Nelson Nightclub Lottery, where the fleet elite meet to eat.
Have been growing hair all over

Series 12, Episode 4: The Mysterious Radio Signals

Announcer: Michael De Morgan

Ladies and gentlemen we present The Navy Lark written by Laurie Wyman and George Evans and starring Stephen Murray, Jon Pertwee and Leslie Phillips.

As regular listeners will know, Sub-Lieutenant Phillips' romantic path never runs true. Not only that it never even runs, walks – usually straight down a cul-de-sac. Fortunately, there are always new girls being drafted to the Wrennery at Portsmouth and if he dates them quick enough, they don't realise that an evening with Mr Phillips is likely to be the non-event of their nautical careers.
[Murray] Now, now, now, now that's unkind.
[Pertwee] Yeah but horribly true, Sir.
[Murray] Oh granted, but it's still unkind.
[Pertwee] Do you know, I wonder if he'll ever know what is this strange power that he doesn't have over women?
[Murray] Of course his age is against him.
[Pertwee] Well he's not that old, Sir.
[Murray] I meant his mental age.
[Michael] If you two have quite finished?
[Murray and Pertwee] We have, carry on.
[Michael] Thank you. Undaunted by past failures Sub-Lieutenant Phillips is even now trying out his loosing charms on the new WREN in the communications branch at Pompey.
Have been da da dot dotting their way through

Series 12, Episode 5: Operation Recovery

Announcer: Michael De Morgan

Ladies and gentlemen we present The Navy Lark written by Laurie Wyman and George Evans and starring Jon Pertwee, Leslie Phillips and Stephen Murray.

Marriage is an old institution and like most old institutions should have been condemned years ago as structurally unsafe. Of course, it works perfectly well sometimes, when you're at the office and she's out shopping. It's when you're at home together in the evening that it seems to go for the chop, especially at bed time.
[Phillips] Ha, ha, ha, ha. By the time she's taken all her make up off, slapped pounds of anti-wrinkle cream on her face and put her hair in curlers, you've forgotten what you were hoping for in the first place.
[Michael] If you've quite finished reminiscing, I was about to say the situation's no different for Lieutenant Commander Murray and his wife Rita when they go to bed.
Have been going off bang in

Series 12, Episode 6: The Slogan Contest

Announcer: Michael De Morgan

Ladies and gentlemen we present The Navy Lark written by Laurie Wyman and George Evans and starring Leslie Phillips, Stephen Murray and Jon Pertwee.

Little do people appreciate what hidden tensions there are that run through the minds of various members at a board meeting when important aspects on the agenda are being discussed. Having attended some of these meetings, I'll tell you. Tension one is…
[Voice 1] I wonder when that pretty secretary in the hot pants is going to drop her pencil and pick it up again.
[Michael] Tension two is…
[Voice 2] I should never have had those onions for super last night, they're making me rumble.
[Michael] Tension three is…
[Voice 3] If Charlie paid for the lunch last week, Sid the week before and Ted the week before that it makes it my turn. So I'd better start feeling not very well so you can count me out chaps right now and cross me off the list.
[Michael] When chaps get together to discuss things these tensions always apply, even at the ministry of defence when an Admiralty board meeting is taking place. So called because they have met, and they are bored.
Have been assisting the recruiting drive at

Series 12, Episode 7: Sir Willerby At Shanghai

Announcer: Michael De Morgan

Ladies and gentlemen for the 200th time we present The Navy Lark written by Laurie Wyman and George Evans and starring Stephen Murray, Jon Pertwee and Leslie Phillips.

What everyone likes to do is get away from it all. The trouble with H.M.S. Troutbridge is that they take it all with them, and what's even worse is they usually bring it all back again. Well Troutbridge is certainly getting away from it all this time and the all that they're taking with them is Sir Willoughby and Lady Todhunter-Brown.
Have been unravelling a Chinese puzzle in

Series 12, Episode 8: Operation Cowes Barge

Announcer: Michael De Morgan

Ladies and gentlemen we present The Navy Lark written by Laurie Wyman and George Evans and starring Jon Pertwee, Leslie Phillips and Stephen Murray.

Has your past ever caught up with you? Like the evening you came home from the office and your wife says 'Oh I took your other suit to the dry cleaners today and guess what I found in one of the pockets?' After a three second pause your mind boggles it's way through the lady's garter you innocently got handed during Postman's Knock at the office party and you can't remember giving back, the stubs of two cinema tickets for a film she didn't go to, and she'll never believe you went with Fred one afternoon to sleep off the lunchtime booze up, and the utterly disgusting words of that rugby song it seemed to be a good idea to copy down on the back of that envelope at the time. And come to think of it, what the hell was in that envelope?
[Phillips] Ha, ha, ha, ha. My past caught up with me once. My yo-yo got caught round a lady's ankle in the greengrocers.
[Pertwee] What's this got to do with your past catching up with you, Mr Phillips?
[Phillips] Well it caught up with me two days later when her husband came round and bashed me before I could explain that I wasn't doing what he thought I was. Has your past ever caught up with you, Chief?
[Pertwee] Oh, yes on many an occasion, Sir. I… (clears throat) err… carry on Mr De Morgan.
[Michael] Thank you. However, all these incidents pale in comparison with the past that's going to catch up with Captain Povey in his office, anytime now.
Have been barging their way through

Series 12, Episode 9: Number One's Anniversary

Announcer: Michael De Morgan

Ladies and gentlemen we present The Navy Lark written by Laurie Wyman and George Evans and starring Leslie Phillips, Stephen Murray and Jon Pertwee.

Moods are like politicians. They're totally unpredictable. And so are people. My Uncle is a people. He's a man of moods and they're all bad ones, ask Aunty. At this moment Lieutenant Commander Murray is a man of moods and nobody wants to speak to him or invite him anywhere except the twit of the ship, Sub-Lieutenant Phillips, who has invited commander Murray into the wardroom of H.M.S. Troutbridge for a log in and, to his surprise, a nagging.
Have been biff, baff, boffing their way through

Series 12, Episode 10: The Lock Ness Monster

Announcer: Michael De Morgan / Outro Alastair Scott-Johnston

Ladies and gentlemen we present The Navy Lark written by Laurie Wyman and George Evans and starring Stephen Murray, Jon Pertwee and Leslie Phillips.

What, err, keeps us going all the year round is the thought of the paid holiday to come. The other thing that keeps us going is trying to choose where to go. You can have an expensive weekend in the south of France for a mere 225 quid, but the wife insists on coming with you so that's a waste of money. Or there's a 30 quid coach tour of Europe, when you're trapped in a coach for a fortnight with 40 other people you loath ten minutes after you leave the coach station. Of course, in the services you don't have holidays, you have leave and err, Chief Petty Officer Pertwee and Sub-Lieutenant Phillips are just finishing theirs in Scotland.
(Announced by Alaistar Scott Johnson) Stephen Murray, John Pertwee and Leslie Phillips have been rolling out the barrels in

The Navy Lark - Series 13 - 26th March 1972 to 18th June 1972

Series 13, Episode 1: The TV Documentary

Announcer: Michael De Morgan

Ladies and gentlemen we present The Navy Lark written by Laurie Wyman and George Evans and starring Jon Pertwee, Leslie Phillips and Stephen Murray.

The British Broadcasting Corporation is a truly wonderful and enterprising organisation. Well that should make sure of my pension for a start. For instance, on sound radio, apart from superb light entertainment, there are magnificent drama programmes interspersed with up to the minute news. And if that doesn't get me a bonus as well as my pension, nothing will. But of course, as well as the BBC's exciting sound radio programmes, they also give us compelling viewing on television.
[Chasen] As a normal full-blooded woman I must confess I thoroughly enjoyed watching Casanova.
[Phillips] Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha. As normal lovable Leslie, I thoroughly enjoyed watching the crumpet Casanova was watching.
[Michael] That's quite enough Lord Nelson and Lady Hamilton.
[Phillips and Chasen] Eh?
[Michael] I've got work to do even if you haven't, and come to think of it, you have too as you'll soon find out Mr Phillips.
[Phillips] Eh? What, but I'm off duty.
[Michael] Oh no you're not, you're wanted in Commander Murray's cabin aboard H.M.S. Troutbridge. At the double!
[Phillips] Lummie, am I? Thanks very much. (Whoosh fx).
Have been filming themselves stupid in

Series 13, Episode 2: The POW Escape Exercise

Announcer: Michael De Morgan

Ladies and gentlemen we present The Navy Lark written by Laurie Wyman and George Evans and starring Stephen Murray, Jon Pertwee and Leslie Phillips.

All men feel like prisoners at times, and particularly if they're married. There you are, stuck at home knowing the boys are whooping it up down at the local and you're stuck at home with the mother-in-law on one side, the wife on the other, the inevitable Patent Place on the telly in the middle and you don't want to listen to or look at any of them.
[Phillips] I know what you mean. I was trapped once at a dance with this great, big, beautiful, bouncy bird. Ha, ha, ha, ha. And generous with it. Hra, hoo, hoh, ha. I could hardly wait to get her on the floor. Ha, ha, ha. Gosh, the frustration.
[Michael] Alright Mr Phillips, what went wrong?
[Pertwee] Well six to four he took her outside to the car park and showed her how his yo-yo went up and down in the dark.
[Phillips] You were peeping!
[Murray] He always does. That's how the Chief makes a good living on the side.
[Michael] Oh be quiet, the lot of you. Well there's more to escaping from the mother-in-law, the wife or a dance especially if you are in the Royal Navy as Commander Murray, Sub-Lieutenant Phillips and Chief Petty Officer Pertwee are about to find out as they bounce along in the back of a military truck on their way to… somewhere.
Have been escaping back into

Series 13, Episode 3: Number One's Married Quarters

Announcer: Michael De Morgan

Ladies and gentlemen we present The Navy Lark written by Laurie Wyman and George Evans and starring Leslie Phillips, Stephen Murray and Jon Pertwee.

Let's face it, there is a housing problem in this country. Even if you're lucky enough to be allocated a penthouse at the top of one of those blocks of council flats, the lift never works. So you have to totter down all those flights of stairs in your dressing gown to get your milk and morning paper and by the time you've tottered all the way back up again the news is out of date and the milk's turned to butter. Even in the Navy there's a housing problem once Jolly Jack is ashore as Commander Murray and his bride Rita have found out through staying with her Father and Mother, Admiral and Mrs Ffont-Bittocks.
Have been spying out the land in

Series 13, Episode 4: The Newhaven-Dieppe Smuggling Run

Announcer: Michael De Morgan

Ladies and gentlemen we present The Navy Lark written by Laurie Wyman and George Evans and starring Stephen Murray, Jon Pertwee and Leslie Phillips.

The French have a wonderful way with words. For instance, take ooh-la-la. Well everybody understands a bit of ooh-la-la except my wife.
[Phillips] He's right you know, Chief.
[Pertwee] Yes Sir?
[Phillips] Yes. Take the French word avoirdupois.
[Pertwee] Mm-hmm.
[Phillips] Now my comic gave the derivation of that particular word last week, it's all broken down.
[Pertwee] Like yourself, Sir?
[Phillips] Ye… No! No, I mean, the word avoirdupois translated into bits is, av, meaning to have.
[Pertwee] Yes, Sir.
[Phillips] Well the French drop the H. Avoir, meaning to see.
[Pertwee] Mm-hmm.
[Phillips] And du, meaning all that damp stuff on the grass. And pois, meaning terribly, terribly small garden peas.
[Pertwee] I see, Sir. In that case avoirdupois means, I know that you've disgraced yourself in my garden because the grass is all wet.
[Michael] Now as you might have gathered with all this interest in foreign languages, H.M.S. Troutbridge is due to make a courtesy visit to France although up to now, the crew don't know it. However, one cunning, disreputable, fuzz-faced old member of the Pertwee family does, Uncle Ebenezer.
Have been operating for profit in

Series 13, Episode 5: The Bumble Spit Lighthouse Affair

Announcer: Michael De Morgan

Ladies and gentlemen we present The Navy Lark written by Laurie Wyman and George Evans and starring Jon Pertwee, Leslie Phillips and Stephen Murray.

Of course, the reason they always ask me to do the introduction to The Navy Lark is because I'm a fair amateur yachtsman myself. None of your round the world wrong way standing on your head stuff for me but, err, but I certainly know quite a bit about sails.
[Pertwee] Obviously, that's where you got your suit from.
[Michael] Chief, I did nothing of the sort. I'll have you know that in the announcer's common room I'm known as Mr Elegant.
[Phillips] Now that's an interesting word.
[Pertwee] What is?
[Phillips] Elegant.
[Pertwee] Yes?
[Phillips] Mmm, they gave the derivation of the word last week in my comic.
[Pertwee] Yes?
[Phillips] You see, elegant breaks down into three parts.
[Pertwee] Mm-hmm.
[Phillips] E from the Yorkshire, as in Ee-by-gum. Leg, the things you fill your pants with. And lastly ant, meaning small animals who live on the hill, or Ant as in wife of an American uncle.
[Pertwee] I see Mr Phillips, Sir. So, according to your comic, elegant means Ee-by-gum my uncle's American wife has got ants in her pants.
[Phillips] Exactly. Now that's an interesting word.
[Pertwee] What is?
[Phillips] Exactly. Exactly. Eggs meaning a dozen of them in a box. Act meaning to do your nut in old Calcutta. And T-lee, which is either Welsh or Chinese for…
[Pertwee and Michael] Oh belt up!
[Michael] Thank you Chief. Of course, the essential thing about clothes is they must be designed to suit the occasion. This is never more true than with the design of the naval uniform. Let's face it, with a crew like Troutbridge, and Mr Phillips' navigation, they never know who they're going to bump into.
Have been cavorting about in

Series 13, Episode 6: The Tonipouhaha Treasure

Announcer: Michael De Morgan

Ladies and gentlemen we present The Navy Lark written by Laurie Wyman and George Evans and starring Leslie Phillips, Stephen Murray and Jon Pertwee.

There are various kinds of parties which we've all attended in our time. There's the Christmas party which everybody enjoys except the host because he's footing the bill, then there's the birthday party which only the birthday boy enjoys because everybody else is footing the bill, and of course there's the office party which everybody enjoys because the Inland Revenue's footing the bill. There are also dreary office meetings, one of which is being held at the Ministry of Defence, which nobody, including Lord Quirk the chairman, is enjoying.
Have been digging themselves stupid in

Series 13, Episode 7: The USA Navigator Swap

Announcer: Michael De Morgan

Ladies and gentlemen we present The Navy Lark written by Laurie Wyman and George Evans and starring Stephen Murray, Jon Pertwee and Leslie Phillips.

Meetings are funny things. The BBC continually hold top level meetings and naturally I'm invited to every one of them. Well, somebody has to make the tea. Well the outcome of the top level meeting that is going on at the Ministry of Defence at the moment is going to be anything but dead easy for Mr Phillips.
Have been fostering international goodwill in

Series 13, Episode 8: Son Of A Sea Lord

Announcer: Michael De Morgan

Ladies and gentlemen we present The Navy Lark written by Laurie Wyman and George Evans and starring Jon Pertwee, Leslie Phillips and Stephen Murray.

Promotion always comes to him who waits. As you know I joined the BBC as a special effects man. That meant I made the tea for all the other announcers during the week. But I wanted something better than this so I applied for promotion and naturally, being me, I got it. Now I'm allowed to come in on Sundays and make tea for everybody as well.
[Phillips] Promotion. Now that's an interesting word. They gave the derivation of promotion in my comic last week. P R O meaning public relations officer. Then there's mo, as in half-a or um, ten men went to. And shun, standing with your hands firmly pressed against the sides of your trousers and not moving.
[Pertwee] I see, Mr Phillips Sir. So, the word promotion means ten men, one of whom is a public relations officer, are standing still cutting the grass because if they move their arms their trousers'll fall down.
[Phillips] Exactly. Now that's another interesting word, exactly.
[Pertwee] What is?
[Phillips] Exactly.
[Pertwee] Oh yes?
[Phillips] Yes. Eggs, the things hens lay. Act, as with trapeze artists who insist on doing it in mid-air. And ly…
[Pertwee] Oh belt up, Sir please.
[Michael] Ah thank you, Chief. Trust Sub-Lieutenant Phillips to know about promotion because at this very minute he's being considered for promotion to Lieutenant by an Admiral's board at Portsmouth.
Have been sailing victoriously into

Series 13, Episode 9: Hypnotising Ramona

Announcer: Michael De Morgan

Ladies and gentlemen we present The Navy Lark written by Laurie Wyman and George Evans and starring Leslie Phillips, Stephen Murray and Jon Pertwee.

All husbands constantly ask themselves 'are you a man or a mouse?' Well in my house I'm definitely a man. What's more I can prove it, because I'm the one who wears the trousers. Come to think of it we both do but my trousers are trendier than hers and if you're listening darling, just for a change, take them off before I get home.
[Phillips] Ha, ha, ha, ha. Sexy swine.
[Pertwee] Mr Phillips, Sir?
[Phillips] Err, yes Chief.
[Pertwee] Yeah, Mr De Morgan is right about women wearing trousers, Sir. I, an I for one can remember when Pertwee enjoyed whistling at the lower-walking-about appurtenances of ladies of the opposite sex.
[Michael] You dear old-fashioned thing. Don't you realise, Chief, that trousers for ladies are the current fashion?
[Phillips] Ah, fashion. Now there's an interesting word. They gave the derivation of it in my comic last week.
[Pertwee] Yes, I thought they would, Sir.
[Phillips] No, no, no. It's jolly interesting. Now fashion when it's broken up into bits means. F A.
[Pertwee] Pardon?
[Phillips] As in Fanny Adams. Which can be pronounced far, meaning a long way off or after do-re-mi. Then shhh, as in you know who. Which leaves us with ion.
[Pertwee] Pardon?
[Phillips] Ion. In Scottish it's pronounced Ian. As in Carmichael. But in English it's pronounced iron, as in that heavy thing you use to press your drip-drying non-Carmichael shirts with.
[Pertwee] I see, sir. So according to your comic Mr Phillips Sir, the word fashion means - from a long way off Fanny Adams is not only after the dough from Ray and you but also after Ian Carmichael's shhh you know what with a heavy thing.
[Phillips] Exactly.
[Michael] Now unfortunately all men aren't like me, they are mice in their own homes. Captain Povey is one. In fact, Captain Povey is even a failure as a mouse. He hasn't had a nibble at home for years. Now he's waiting to consult Chief Petty Officer Pertwee aboard Troutbridge for a solution to his marital problem, i.e. his wife.
Have been hypnotised in

Series 13, Episode 10: The Master Of Sardinia

Announcer: Michael De Morgan

Ladies and gentlemen we present The Navy Lark written by Laurie Wyman and George Evans and starring Stephen Murray, Jon Pertwee and Leslie Phillips.

At some time or other, everybody's been discovered doing something they shouldn't do.
[Phillips] Ha, ha, ha, ha. Filthy swine.
[Michael] For instance, no matter how careful I am whenever I totter home from my local my wife always knows where I've been because every time I breathe out the whole place reeks of peppermints and chlorophyll.
[Phillips] I remember when I was discovered in the woods with a girl guide.
[Murray] Mmm?
[Pertwee] Pardon?
[Phillips] Precisely. You see I was a scout at the time and I was exchanging notes about my knots with Cynthia.
[Murray] Mmm?
[Pertwee] Pardon?
[Phillips] Precisely. Just as we got down to her grannies, err… ha, ha, ha, ha, her father turned up and that's where I made my fatal mistake.
[Murray] Mmm?
[Pertwee] Pardon?
[Phillips] Precisely. I jumped to my feet and I gave him the scout salute.
[Michael] Yes well leaving romance aside, there are many things that have been discovered.
[Pertwee] Yeah well, I've discovered one thing for a start. You know Commander Weatherby from Security?
[Murray and Phillips] Yes.
[Pertwee] Well I've discovered that he sings in his bath.
[Phillips] That I'd love to hear.
[Pertwee] Right, you shall. Usually it's I'm for ever blowing bubbles but coming from him it sounds like this you see…
[Weatherby Singing] Bl I'm frp I'm bl I'm blm-frp-blm-frp-blm-frp I'm for ever bl-for ever, bl-for ever, I'm for ever blow bl-blow bl-blow-ing bu-b-b-bu-bu-b-bubbles. Bri-b-b-b bri-b-b-b bri-b-b-b I'm for ever blow b-b-b-blowing bubbles. Bri-b-b-b bubbles Bri-b-b-b I'm forever b-b-blow-b-b-blow b-b-blow oh to hell with it I've lost the soap.
[Michael] Well I for one don't care about his soap, I'm a kinky foam bath man myself. Anyway you shouldn't be standing around here talking to me, you should be far too busy sailing Troutbridge back from Sardinia.
Have been mastering

Series 13, Episode 11: Opportunity Knockers

Announcer: Michael De Morgan

Ladies and gentlemen we present The Navy Lark written by Laurie Wyman and George Evans and starring Jon Pertwee, Leslie Phillips and Stephen Murray.

Let's face it, we are all good at something. As a matter of fact, my wife says I have hidden talents.
[Phillips] Ha, ha, ha, ha. Bragging again.
[Pertwee] You dirty old devil.
[Phillips] Ha, ha, ha, ha. We've all heard from the canteen lady.
[Pertwee] Yeah. And the Commissionaire. Yea-ha-ha-ha-ha.
[Phillips] Yeah, that you've been smuggling home your illustrated magazines of Swedish physical jerks. Ha, ha, ha, ha.
[Pertwee] Yeah, in between your copies of The Sunday Telegraph and The Observer after the show. Yea-ha-ha-ha-ha. You dirty old devil.
[Phillips] Nya, ha, ha, ha. Sexy swine.
[Pertwee] Here, can we borrow 'em?
[Michael] Certainly not. They're on sale or return. I mean, I don't know what you're talking about. In any case a friend of mine's got them now.
[Murray] No I haven't, I gave them to you back. Remember during Come Dancing when you and Ronald Fletcher were representing the South as The Announcer's Formation Dancing Team?
[Phillips] I liked their military two-step.
[Pertwee] Yeah, that's right Sir. Especially the part where he put his left hand on his hip, and gave a most curious salute with his right one.
[Murray] Even with the white gloves it was pretty obvious.
[Michael] It wasn't me. Now shut up the lot of you.
[Murray] Uhh, announcers are not what they were, are they? I mean compared with… Stuart Hibberd.
[Phillips] Alvar Lidell.
[Pertwee] Frank Phillips.
[Murray] Richard Baker.
[Murray, Phillips and Pertwee singing] And Uncle Mike Aspel and all, and Uncle Mike Aspel and all.
[Michael] Well as I was saying, we're all good at something and have talents and Lord Quirk is convinced that this is especially true of the Navy. That's why, as the Sea Lord, he has called a special meeting to find out what they are, and what ship they're in.
Have been digging for talent in

Series 13, Episode 12: Friday The 13th

Announcer: Michael De Morgan

Ladies and gentlemen we present The Navy Lark written by Laurie Wyman and George Evans and starring Leslie Phillips, Stephen Murray and Jon Pertwee.

We all have our little secrets. In my wife's case it's her age, and in my case it's my wife's age. Unless I want to live on burnt toast and frozen solid fish fingers for the rest of my life.
[Pertwee] Here, funnily enough Mr De Morgan, I haven't got any secrets.
[Phillips] Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha. Oh, come now, Chief.
[Pertwee] No it's true, Mr Phillips. Err, all what I thought were my little secrets are written down in the police files.
[Phillips] How do you know?
[Pertwee] Well, every time I walk past a rozzer he gives me a knowing wink and gesture which is anything but complimentary.
[Phillips] Ah, complimentary. Now that's an interesting word.
[Pertwee] Oh, what is?
[Phillips] Complimentary.
[Pertwee] Yeah?
[Phillips] Mmm, funnily enough they gave the derivation of the word in my comic last week.
[Pertwee] Oh blimey! Mr Oxford's Concise and Unabridged English Twit is off again.
[Phillips] No, it's jolly interesting, very educational. It breaks down into several parts.
[Pertwee] Yes?
[Phillips] Com, meaning one of the pair of unmentionables, or as in the popular melody, com into the garden Maude. The next bit is ply, as in that terribly, terribly thin wood. And then there's ment, as in for real, and the past tense of mean, meaning cheap. Finally, we have 'ary, who because he's a Cockney sort of chap, drops his H.
[Pertwee] I see, Mr Phillips Sir. So according to your comic the word complimentary means an H dropping gentleman called Harry is calling to his wife Maude to come into the garden because he's got both feet trapped down one leg of her terribly, terribly thin wooden coms.
[Michael] Now if anybody can remember what I said after that load of old rope it was we all have secrets, and as far as the Navy's concerned on this particular day, Friday the 13th, Chief Petty Officer Pertwee, Sub-Lieutenant Phillips and the Captain of Troutbridge, Commander Murray, are no exception.
Have been stopping a leak in

Series 13, Episode 13: The New NAAFI

Announcer: Michael De Morgan

Ladies and gentlemen we present The Navy Lark written by Laurie Wyman and George Evans and starring Stephen Murray, Jon Pertwee and Leslie Phillips.

We all try to get something for nothing.
[Phillips] Ha, ha, ha, ha. As Lady Chatterley said to her game keeper.
[Michael] Quiet. In other words, if we see something we fancy, we appreciate it a lot more if we're offered a bit off.
[Phillips] Ho, ho, ho, ho. As Lady Chatterley said er…
[Michael] Do you mind, Mr Phillips?
[Pertwee] Ha-ha! Lady Chatterley didn't.
[Michael] I shall finish this announcement if it kills me. We all like a bargain and my wife, like all wives, is no exception. Only last week I was taking her to the Michael Aspel Family Favourites Awards Ball. She wanted a new pair of shoes but, err, fortunately the sales were on and that evening she returned with a brand-new pair of shoes which had been slashed from five pounds ten old money to five pounds fifty.
[Murray] Six to four they were a size to small.
[Phillips] And she couldn't dance in them.
[Michael] They were. And she did. But the next day it cost me three quid in chiropodist fees.
[Phillips] There was a free bargain in my comic last week.
[Pertwee] Yes Sir?
[Phillips] Mmm. It offered a special bargain offer of a kite with a Mickey Mouse face on it for only five new pees, or generous easy terms with your money back guaranteed if not satisfied within ten days.
[Pertwee] Five new pence for a kite? Huh that must have been a bargain.
[Phillips] No, it wasn't no. It didn't look a bit like Mickey Mouse, it wouldn't fly and it cost me twenty pence to send it back.
[Michael] Now I wouldn't joke about bargains if I were you Chief because something's gone very wrong with the one you've negotiated with your Uncle Ebenezer at his War Surplus Emporium.
[Pertwee] What? Oh, excuse me. (Whoosh FX).
Have been whoosh, bang, all-gone Pertwee for the last time in this series of

The Navy Lark - Series 14 - 29th July 1973 to 21st October 1973

Series 14, Episode 1: The Montezula Revolution

Announcer: Barri Haynes

Ladies and gentlemen we present The Navy Lark written by Laurie Wyman and George Evans and starring Leslie Phillips, Stephen Murray and Jon Pertwee.

Excuse me, Sir. I'm from the BBC.
[Pertwee] Yeah well don't complain to me. We all have to work somewhere.
[Barri] I'd like you to tell us, what do you think of Women's Lib?
[Pertwee] Well, as far as I'm concerned it's (horn fx)...ing marvellous.
[Barri] Err, So you're in favour of women getting what they're after?
[Pertwee] Yes I always (horn fx)...ing well have been.
[Barri] Thank you, Sir. Excuse me madam, can you tell us what you think of Women's Lib?
[Chasen] I'm totally against it.
[Barri] I'm sorry to hear that. Why?
[Chasen] Well I burned my bra once and absolutely nobody noticed.
[Barri] Thank you madam.
[Chasen] I think it was the show jumping that did it but um…
[Barri] Thank you madam. Now then, Sir. I wonder if you'd…
[Phillips] Err, no thank you. No, I don't want to swap two packets for one. I've been on telly before you know? I was the one who knew it was the mint with the hole.
[Barri] What I was going to ask you, Sir…
[Phillips] What's more I knew Katie's Cubes before they went to America. And another thing, I'm sorry to disappoint you, but I don't like hot chocolate, hot chocolate, drinking chocolate, drinking chocolate, hot chocolate, hot chocolate, drinking chocolate, drinking chocolate…
[Barri] Excuse…
[Phillips] Hot chocolate, hot chocolate…
[Barri] Actually, Sir, I think there's some mistake. This is not a television commercial. I'm Barri Haynes and I work for the BBC.
[Phillips] Well, don't complain to me, we've all got to work somewhere.
[Barri] Thank you. Of course, Women's Lib has struck everywhere, even in the Navy. For instance, little does Captain Povey know that whilst he's abroad on a good will mission, his dear wife Ramona is creating havoc and devastation with the top brass in the Ministry of Defence.
Have been revolting in

Series 14, Episode 2: The Island Swordfish

Announcer: Barri Haynes

Ladies and gentlemen we present The Navy Lark written by Laurie Wyman and George Evans and starring Stephen Murray, Jon Pertwee and Leslie Phillips.

Thank you very much indeed for all that applause, I'm really very touched by your overwhelming response to my all too brief performance so far. Of course, what's so difficult for all you unfortunate people who aren't announcers to understand is that saying something like 'Ladies and gentlemen we present The Navy Lark' comes to us completely naturally. We're used to modulating in public places.
[Pertwee] You dirty old devil.
[Barri] No, no we are taught to annunciate each and every word precisely.
[Phillips] Now that's an interesting word.
[Barri] Annunciate?
[Phillips] No-no, no. Precisely. You see, according to my copy of Dr Loxley Calthorpe's Junior Digest of Encyclopaedic Knowledge, Volume Two…
[Pertwee] Eh?
[Phillips] No-no, no. A to L is Volume One.
[Pertwee] Oh!
[Phillips] No, no. O is erm… O is in M to Z which is Volume Two.
[Pertwee] Ah.
[Phillips] Yes.
[Barri] Thank you C.P.O. Pertwee. Now, yet another interesting word is trouble. T for Troutbridge. R for rubbish, which they are. O for 'orrible
[The Cast] Oh shut up!
[Barri] Well whether you like it or not, Troutbridge is heading for it. Admiralty have decreed that in future the Royal Navy is to be seen about the world a lot more. As well as being an efficient fighting force to protect the sea lanes of the free world, it's role is to assist British diplomatic and commercial activities and to show the British flag. To this end a flotilla of eighteen ships has been formed, now on route for Australia. At least the other seventeen are but surprise, surprise, Troutbridge seems to be slightly off course.
Have been having their little boats eaten in

Series 14, Episode 3: Bunged In The Rattle

Announcer: Barri Haynes

Ladies and gentlemen we present The Navy Lark written by Laurie Wyman and George Evans and starring Leslie Phillips, Stephen Murray and Jon Pertwee.

They say that everyone in the world has a double somewhere.
[Admiral] Yes that's right, mine's waiting for me in a small glass round at the local and you're paying.
[Ironbridge] Good show, yes, yes. Everybody round to the pub, yes, yes.
[Barri] Of course there's the word double, meaning pair.
[Ironbridge] Pair! Ooh, yes, yes. Bigguns, yes, yes. Cairo's the place you know, yes, yes.
[Barri] Well there's double fault too, as in the game of tennis.
[Heather] Or there's an even bigger double fault if the Chief's mother and father had had twins.
[Pertwee] Oh charming!
[Barri] And of course there's double as in double date.
[Phillips] Ha, ha, ha, ha. I went out on a double date last night. Ha, ha, ha. They were twins.
[Pertwee] Did you have a good time, Mr Phillips?
[Phillips] Ha, ha, ha. Yes. And no.
[Barri] There's another and somewhat more sinister double, and that is Double Agent.
[Phillips] Eh?
[Murray] What?
[Pertwee] Pardon?
[Phillips] Gosh, does that mean James Bond is now 0014?
[Pertwee] Oh hardly, Sir. Otherwise he'd be working for MI10.
[Murray] Huh, ha, ha, huh. All I can say about doubles is, ha, ha, ha shut, shut, up, up, you, you, two, two. Ha, ha, ha. Really? A play on words. Oh, go on, laugh!
[Phillips and Pertwee] No, no, thanks, thanks.
[Barri] Be quiet the lot of you and pay attention to your Common Market duties. Now there's a load of North German muck coming your way in Kiel because there's another double I haven't mentioned. That is when one person, or thing, looks exactly like another. In this case it's Troutbridge. So you'd better get back on board from shore leave in Herman's Hole In The Wall Club in Kiel or Captain Povey will be forced to put down his dodgy book and assume command of the ship so, get moving! At the double, we have ways of making you run!
Have been bunged in the brig in

Series 14, Episode 4: Kangaroo Polka

Announcer: Barri Haynes

Ladies and gentlemen we present The Navy Lark written by Laurie Wyman and George Evans and starring Stephen Murray, Jon Pertwee and Leslie Phillips.

I often wonder how many of you ordinary people out there realise what a specialised art it is to be a BBC announcer. Not any Tom, Dick and my name is Barri can succeed. For instance, Commander Wetherby, would you care to read this motoring flash.
[Wetherby] Hmbr Yes by…b…by al…b…by mmm Yes mmm…b…b…by al…b…by baa be…be…bah…bo…po… mmm…b…b….p…p…people driving cars, mmm…bl…people driving cars…ars….br….ars….b…by all means ah pee…p…p pee…p…p…p…pee pa… are advised to…be….to re-adjust… to…adjust to…adjust to…a just a song to…br….bri…bri…. yes by by all means. A hm…br…brmmm…brahuh, a hmm…brm…brm…brahuh…bra oh to hell with it, go buy a boat.
[Barri] Yes well err, in case that hasn't proved my point, would you like to read this news item err, Sub-Lieutenant Phillips?
[Phillips] Gosh! I've always wanted to do this. It was reported in Marylebone Court today that Miss… Ha, ha, ha, ha… X has accused Mr Y of um… Ha, ha, ha, ha… I'm terribly sorry I'm far too young to read this.
[Murray] May I, e, eh, have a try?
[Barri] Sorry?
[Murray] I'm err, rather good at this sort of thing.
[Barri] Be my guest, be my guest.
[Murray] Hello, err, groovy babies. This is what you do, are you listening mum because we're going to fight the flab. Ah, it's all happening today in the bijou basement. The scene's really swinging and remember, don't get drunk, click, clunk! Well chaps? Mmm?
[Pertwee and Phillips] Don't call us, we won't call you.
[Murray] Oh Saville's Travels to the lot of you.
[Barri] Now, now gentlemen. This is hardly the attitude to take at the beginning of a goodwill mission to Australia. You may be docking in Sydney Harbour a little late, but at least you've got there and you haven't lost all the other ships in the fleet on the way.
Have been doing a kangaroo polka in

Series 14, Episode 5: The Digital Isles Go Unstable

Announcer: Barri Haynes

Ladies and gentlemen we present The Navy Lark written by Laurie Wyman and George Evans and starring Jon Pertwee, Leslie Phillips and Stephen Murray.

People can get upset over practically anything, especially if you think a certain friend of yours is in a bad way.
[Hymie] Hymie the Tailor, suits fitted while you… Oh! Good morning Sonic, nice to see you Ikey.
[Ikey] Hymie, take our advice, sell up, get out, please, while there's still time.
[Sonic] Don't be a fool, get out now.
[Hymie] Why should I?
[Ikey] Be reasonable. With Universal Tailors on one side of you and World-Wide Tailors on the other side, they must be taking all your trade, you must be losing a fortune.
[Hymie] On the contrary Ikey, I'm making a fortune. It was easy, I just changed the name of my shop.
[Sonic] Eh? But what do you call it now?
[Hymie] Main entrance!
[Barri] Even certain doctors get upset, especially if they're Harley Street specialists and the most unexpected patients call on them.
[Doctor] Next.
[Patient] Oh, erm, oh good morning Guv. I (coughs), sorry Guv, have you got, got a fag Guv?
[Doctor] Now just a minute, how dare you? You can't come in here. You're nothing but a dirty, stinking, filthy, disgusting, nauseating, flea-ridden, unkempt, mouldy, offensive, slovenly, foul, squalid and mildewed old tramp.
[Patient] Yes, well, yeah well that's what my own doctor said but I wanted a second opinion.
[Barri] Of course getting upset isn't confined to civilians, even sailors can get upset at times. Such as on-board H.M.S. Troutbridge when Lieutenant Commander Murray has been invited to a top-level meeting aboard the flagship anchored in Singapore and nobody else on the bridge has.
Have been removing the digits from

Series 14, Episode 6: Egbert Hitches A Ride

Announcer: Barri Haynes

Ladies and gentlemen we present The Navy Lark written by Laurie Wyman and George Evans and starring Jon Pertwee, Leslie Phillips and Stephen Murray.

The Post Office, presumably to pay for yet another set of newly designed stamps, are always insisting that someone, somewhere wants a letter from you. Err, this is possibly true unless you happen to be the Inland Revenue, an unfriendly bank manager or the owner of the Lord Nelson Pub informing you that that's the last noggin you're going to get on his slate. Of course, if you're C.P.O. Pertwee that's the only sort of correspondence you ever get.
[Pertwee] That's charming in it? Oh, charming that is! Look it's common knowledge that you've got your kettle on in the announcers restroom so you can steam open every letter the BBC gets.
[Barri] Nothing of the sort, nothing of the sort. Very dull most of them are. They're certainly not as interesting as the ones you've been getting from your Uncle Ebenezer Pertwee.
Have been bombed by the Raffia in

Series 14, Episode 7: Povey - An Admiral At Last

Announcer: Barri Haynes

Ladies and gentlemen we present The Navy Lark written by Laurie Wyman and George Evans and starring Stephen Murray, Jon Pertwee and Leslie Phillips.

The English, from top to working class, have always had a sense of occasion. Ask any husband and wife.
[Wife] Honestly darling, I haven't got a thing to wear.
[Husband] But, damn it darling, you've got a wardrobe full of gowns and dresses and fur coats. But I tell you what, go as you are.
[Wife] Well, alright then. I will.
[Barri] Thank you, Lady Godiva. One of the most difficult occasions is making a public speech, although not for Sir Willoughby Todhunter-Brown. His speeches are always exactly the same. He never knows where he is, so his speech covers every eventuality.
[Sir Todhunter-Brown] Ladies and gentlemen, Chairman and President of this magnificent. May I say that it gives me great pleasure at all times. That goes for my dear wife as well.
[Lady Todhunter-Brown] Here, here. Bully for Willy.
[Sir Todhunter-Brown] Furthermore, as a founder member of the young mothers, I would just like to say, but on the other side of the coin, it could well be said, and far be it from me. No, no my friends, it just isn't. So where will it all end, I hear you asking yourselves, at every street corner where there should be one. Of course, the opposition have an entirely different. So send all your clothes to me, in a plain van, marked this side up, and provided you accept two packets, in exchange for one, this splendid cricket pavilion will reach Brighton by half-past two. Just so long as each and every one of us saves twelve books of stamps and deposits them in a current account, in the wardrobe, with our friendly bank manager who only yesterday. Right, that's it. You can applaud now I've finished.
[Barri] There are also embarrassing occasions, particularly for Captain Povey who seems to have been lumbered with an outsized one by his dear wife, Ramona. He's even now about to eat humble pie in the wardroom of H.M.S. Troutbridge if he's to survive it.
Have been crossing their wires in

Series 14, Episode 8: The Bergholm Horse Trials

Announcer: Barri Haynes

Ladies and gentlemen we present The Navy Lark written by Laurie Wyman and George Evans and starring Leslie Phillips, Stephen Murray and Jon Pertwee.

Meeting people, either socially or professionally, is always interesting even in the queue of the Labour Exchange, or as we now know it, The Ministry of Social Security.
[Man] Oh, erm, eh, eh, morning Guv. Here, makes you sick how they make us queue up every Monday and Friday just to collect our rights, don't it?
[2nd man] Of course this is my first week but I do see what you mean. It is all rather humiliating.
[Man] Yeah, yes, well never mind about that. All I'm saying is, makes you sick, don't it? Makes you sick. Anyone'd think it was their money they was handing out, when I last worked in 1953.
[Official] Come on now, we haven't got all day. Get in line.
[Man] Hark at him, go on, hark at him. This new manager's a proper little Hitler, isn't he? Here, hang on. Did you say this was your first time in the sign-here-and-that's-your-lot queue?
[2nd Man] Yes, I did.
[Man] Well that's flippin' odd, I could have sworn I've seen you at the Labour before.
[2nd Man] You have. Up to last week I was the manager of the Exchange.
[Barri] You can even have unexpected meetings when you're alone in your car and trapped in a traffic jam.
(Knock on window)
[Woman] Go away.
(Knock on window)
[Woman] Oh, just a minute I'll wind the window down. Right, now what do you want?
[Man] Here, madam, I've got something to interest you.
[Woman] I doubt it. Go away!
[Man] No really, I have. Want to buy a stolen?
[Woman] A stolen what?
[Man] You name it, I've had a good year!
[Barri] You're not even safe in your home. Just as you're settling down to a meal, what happens?
(Doorbell ringing)
[Man] Oh blast. Well what is it?
[Visitor] Hello, squire. Here, here I won… I wond… I wondd… Here… I wondered if you could ass… assit mi…ass… I wonder if you could… ass…ass… give me some, blurgh, help?
[Man] You're drunk!
[Visitor] You're jealous!
[Man] Now I'm in the middle of a meal so what is it you want? And be quick about it.
[Visitor] Yes, certainly. Here I wonder… I wonder if you can direct me to the hosp.. hosp… I wonder if you can direct me to the o… offices-es of that magnifice… magnificent organisation, called alco… alco… alco… alc… alcoholics amomi… amonominous?
[Man] Oh, alcoholics anonymous. Congratulations. I take it you want to join?
[Visitor] Not flaming likely! Hic, I want to resign.
[Barri] Of course, all meetings aren't unexpected. Commander Murray on board H.M.S. Troutbridge, which is sailing to Borgholm in Sweden with the other seventeen ships of the squadron on the goodwill mission, is eagerly looking forward to meeting his wife Rita. By the greatest of good luck, Rita will be in Sweden with her horse, Bouncing Betty and the British show jumping team, to compete for the Coalhiffe Zinkhausen Gold Cup and Trophy.
Have been nobbled in

Series 14, Episode 9: Captain Povey's Wig

Announcer: Barri Haynes

Ladies and gentlemen we present The Navy Lark written by Laurie Wyman and George Evans and starring Leslie Phillips, Stephen Murray and Jon Pertwee.

These days most of us find that life is anything but a game.
[Murray] Ah! Ah, Ee, at last. I've been waiting for someone to use the word game in the opening announcement for the last fourteen years.
[Barri] Why?
[Pertwee and Phillips] Because he knows a game and he's dying to tell us about it.
[Murray] No, no, no. No, no really chaps. It's a jolly good game. It's called Mixed Up Marriages. It's a very difficult game so, err, don't feel too badly about it if you can't think of any to begin with.
[Pertwee and Phillips] Any what to begin where?
[Murray] A-ha! Ah, I knew you'd be excited. I, I'll give you an example. You take a famous girl's Christian name and put it with a famous chap's surname and get a funny answer. For instance, Tuesday Weld the actress marries David Knight the actor so she becomes Tuesday Knight.
[Phillips] Oh I see. Well, you go first as you know the game Commander Murray, Sir.
[Murray] No, no, no, no, You, you two have a go. You'll find it a bit tricky till you get the hang of it.
[Pertwee] No, it's alright Sir. No, I…I've got one.
[Murray] Mmm?
[Pertwee] Yeah! If Annie Ross the singer marries John Lawrie the actor, she'd end up as Annie Lawrie.
[Murray] Well n…n…not bad.
[Phillips] Yeah, i… if Winnie Shaw the tennis player marries Lot the biblical character she ends up as Winnie-Lot.
[Murray] Ah, now, now, now that's a cheat! Now, erm, i…i…if Beau Brummell marries, erm, err no.
[Barri] If Chelsea Brown the entertainer marries Lloyd Bridges, she becomes Chelsea Bridges.
[Murray] You keep out of this.
[Phillips] If Henry the Eighth's wife Catherine Parr married Charles Lamb instead, she'd have become a Parr-Lamb.
[Murray] That's another cheat. Now, if Minnie Mouse marries King Kong, err, no that's ridiculous in the first place. Now, err…
[Pertwee] H…h…here how about if Dinah Sheridan married Robert Shaw, she'd end up as a prehistoric Dinah-Shaw.
[Murray] Yeah, y…y…yeah not bad. Now, now, now…
[Phillips] If Goldie Hawn married the cricketer Tony Lock she'd become a Goldie Lock.
[Murray] Wait a minute, wait a minute now, now…
[Pertwee] Eh, e…here and if Honour Blackman married Richard Todd she'd end up On-Her-Todd.
[Murray] I… I I've got one. I… I've got one. If, if, ha, heh, heh, if Queen Victoria married Mark Twain, ha, he, hu-hum, she'd end up as a Victoria Twain. Ha, ha, ha…
[Pertwee and Phillips] That's a cheat!
[Murray] I don't know why I bothered to suggest it. It's a, it's a rotten game anyway.
[Barri] Life is also anything but a game to the crew of H.M.S. Troutbridge. Especially Captain Povey who's due to find out very shortly on what is supposed to be a good will mission to Manila, Capitol of the Philippines.
Have been trying to master

Series 14, Episode 10: The Brain Pill

Announcer: Barri Haynes

Ladies and gentlemen we present The Navy Lark written by Laurie Wyman and George Evans and starring Stephen Murray, Jon Pertwee and Leslie Phillips.

We have a lot to thank science for. I mean if it hadn't been for scientists working day and night in their laboratories mankind would never have had the benefit of such vital inventions as penicillin, atomic power, North Sea gas and the telephone answering service. When you dial your friend, if he's out and you're connected with one of these it's terribly embarrassing because, after you've been commanded to speak now, you realise you're talking to yourself and you feel a right twit.
(Phone dialling and ringing).
[Miss Answering Machine] This is the Sorry We're Out telephone answering machine service. Your message for Mr and Mrs Stacey will be recorded. Please speak clearly and distinctly and speak now.
[Charles] Oh, err, yes, m-ha-ha. Ahem, hmm. A... Ha… Hello Mr and Mrs Stacey, m-ha-ha, I mean ha-ha Hello Babs and Cyril. Ha. This is me, ha-ha, Charles. Yes, I, I, I mean erm Charley Gadsby, ha-ha, broadcasting on your wavelength, what? M-ha-Ha-ha. He-he. H-hmm, yeah. Well I, err, if you're still listening, I thoroughly enjoyed the party last night, O-oh and Babs, a-ha, h-ho, thank you so much for taking me outside to the garage and showing me your hard-top. W-ha-ha, err wrong again, I, I was talking about her convertibles, a, err, convertible, a there I go again, na I mean her new car. I-incidentally that home made wine of yours doesn't half pack a kick like a mule, yes well it certainly kicked me as you may have noticed. Oh, incidentally if you haven't found your dustbin yet as I left I tipped the contents over your neighbours front garden. He-he, oh yes, I, I almost forgot to tell you, err, thank you Miss Sorry We're Out Answering Machine Service.
[Miss Answering Machine] My pleasure. Do you know you're the first person to say thank you since I was made?
[Barri] But science hasn't finished yet. Fortunately, it isn't only confined to civilians, it also affects the services. Unfortunately, because of that, it affects blonde bonce twits like Sub-Lieutenant Phillips. He's been flown back from H.M.S. Troutbridge on a special course and is about to be interviewed by a team of top scientists.
Leslie Phillips has been taking the pill with disasterous consequences for Jon Pertwee, Stephen Murray and all of us in

Series 14, Episode 11: Operation Showcase

Announcer: Barri Haynes

Ladies and gentlemen we present The Navy Lark written by Laurie Wyman and George Evans and starring Jon Pertwee, Leslie Phillips and Stephen Murray.

Of course, by now the rest of the common market countries will have realised how lucky they are that Britain has joined them. Britain has so much to offer the world.
[Phillips] I agree. Who else but the British could have built a vast motorway system, regardless of cost, covering the entire country where it doesn't matter, it doesn't matter which motorway you take you end up stuck in a gigantic traffic jam at either end.
[Voice] Who else but the British have an organisation respected and revered for its blinding and remarkable efficiency such as The Gas Board?
[Gasman] Huh, well there you are Gov. One gas poker fitted and in full working order, Mr Hayes.
[Barri] It's Mr Haynes actually and thank you, so much.
[Gasman] Course, it was the manufacturers fault in the first place that it took us six months to complete fitting the poker. I mean, we've been here often enough, Mr Hayes.
[Barri] Haynes actually and yes, you have.
[Gasman] Yeah, well, we'll be able to get somebody in to tidy up them floorboards for you Mr Hayes.
[Barri] Haynes actually and yes, of course. Now we've got a fire we shan't notice the draft so much. Here's something for your trouble.
(Coins clinking)
[Gasman] Eh? Oh, ho, ho, ho, ho. Well it won't go too far these days but it was a very nice gesture Mr Hayes.
[Barri] Haynes actually and I'm so sorry.
(Coins clinking).
[Gasman] Ah, ta. Well, one gas poker well and truly fitted to the customer's satisfaction. Right, on to the next job. It's a gas lighter. Come on Fred, Charlie, Harold, Cyril, Algy, Cecil, George…
[Povey] And who else, but the British, would have an internationally renowned institution such as the public house? It's atmosphere is always warm, intimate, friendly and welcoming.
(Horn noise)
[Barmaid] Time, gentlemen please. Finish all drinks, please.
[Man] Hey! Here just a minute. Here, wait, hang on. Here, that, here that can't be right, madam. Ca, ah, can't be right, here, hang about, here, there's one, one two three of you. I want, I want to speak to the one in the middle.
[Barmaid] Let's have your glasses, please.
[Man] I av, I'll have erm, I'll have a, I'll have a bath of a bitter. Yeah-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha. No, here, no, I mean, I mean, can I, can I have half of b, half of, blugh, can I have half of bitter please?
[Barmaid] No. It's long past time. Come along, drink up. Let's have your glasses please.
[Man] Here, hang on. Wai-min. I, I make it s-alf, bl-alf a minute to go. So can I half, can ah, can ah, can I have half, half a bitter please?
[Barmaid] I've already told you. No! Now empty your glasses please, come along, drink up.
[Man] (slurred) I only want half a bitter.
[Barmaid] I've already told you, no drinks after time, now drink up. Let's have your glasses.
[Man 2] Well I mean, that's a, that, that was pretty, pretty rotten I, I must say. H-how dare you treat a, a cragular rustomer derm, erm, a hah, hold on, hold... a regular customer like that.
[Man] Here, no.
[Man 2] What, hmm?
[Man] No, no. No I'm not a just, a regular customer. No, case you didn't know. I'm, brrrrm, I'm the landlord.
[Barri] But we do have the finest navy in the world and even they have their problems. I mean problem, H.M.S. Troutbridge. The one ship they wished they'd never launched. Worse still, they wish they'd never sent her on a goodwill mission with the rest of the squadron who are anchored off Gibraltar. At this very moment an urgent, top level meeting is taking place at naval headquarters.
Have been demonstrating their firepower in

Series 14, Episode 12: CPO Pertwee Yachtmonger

Announcer: Barri Haynes

Ladies and gentlemen we present The Navy Lark written by Laurie Wyman and George Evans and starring Leslie Phillips, Stephen Murray and Jon Pertwee.

Well once again I haven't won the pools, my horse lost yesterday and Ernie is still eating my premium bond. Yet some people have lots of money and I'd like to know how they do it.
[Woman] Erm, excuse me.
[Shopkeeper] Oh, good morning madam. Lovely morning, can I help you?
[Woman] Oh, yes please. It's just that I bought these shirts for my husband last week and he doesn't like 'em.
[Shopkeeper] Oh yes, madam?
[Woman] Well I, I wondered if you'd be good enough to take em back.
[Shopkeeper] I'm awfully sorry madam but we don't take goods back once they've been sold.
[Woman] But what about the notice on the wall? It says 'your money back if not satisfactory.'
[Shopkeeper] But madam, your money was perfectly satisfactory.
[Barri] And then of course you never quite know when money is going to walk into your life, do you?
[Mr Hessheimer] Thank you madam, good bye. Oi, oi. Big deal. Our first customer for two months, Felicity, and all she bought was one reel of cotton, and she wanted to pay for that with green shield stamps, yet.
[Felicity] Well Mr Hessheimer, dance for all occasions. Shall I put down the sun blind or take the dresses out of the window? They're beginning to fade.
[Mr Hessheimer] Take the dresses out of the window Felicity, I can't afford the wear and tear on the sun blind. Oh my life, don't bother now, Felicity, we've got a customer.
[Customer] Ah, good morning.
[Mr Hessheimer] Good morning, Sir. Can I get you anything? A sports coat perhaps? A pair of booties for your little boy? Would you like to make a phone call? Nothing's too much trouble.
[Customer] No, no, no. No, nothing like that I represent the Anthony Singleton Management Group and we're planning to open a large chain of shops similar to yours. All over the country.
[Mr Hessheimer] I see.
[Customer] In short we're looking for a responsible man to run them for us.
[Mr Hessheimer] Really, really?
[Customer] Yes, for the right man there'll be a starting salary of twenty thousand pounds a year.
[Mr Hessheimer] No!
[Customer] A pension, a car on firm, and one of our country houses in Weybridge.
[Mr Hessheimer] Oi, oi, oi already.
[Customer] Being utterly frank Mr Hessheimer, the board of Anthony Singleton Management Group feel that you might be the right man for us.
[Mr Hessheimer] I'm made. I'm a, I'm a tycoon. Father, Ab, are you listening up there? Your son is a success.
[Customer] There's only one thing we must know because this is a policy of the board.
[Mr Hessheimer] Yes.
[Customer] Are you jewish?
[Mr Hessheimer] Not necessarily.
[Barri] Of course there are people with money because they never spend any. Particularly, as legend has it, north of the border.
[Mr Turnbull] Oh blast. That'll be him again.
[Man] Oh, I'm, ah, I'm sorry to trouble you again Mr Turnbull, but I, I wondered if you'd give me a wee hand to strip the wallpaper off the walls of my house?
[Mr Turnbull] Oh, are you redecorating?
[Man] No. I'm moving.
[Barri] There are occasions where expense is absolutely no object. No more so than when H.M.S. Troutbridge is docking in Toulon, in the south of France.
Leslie Phillips and Stephen Murray have been living the high life with Jon Pertwee in

Series 14, Episode 13: The Talpinium Shell

Announcer: Barri Haynes

Ladies and gentlemen we present The Navy Lark written by Laurie Wyman and George Evans and starring Stephen Murray, Jon Pertwee and Leslie Phillips.

As we all know things aren't always what they seem to be, and with the Royal Navy they definitely aren't as the crew of H.M.S. Troutbridge discover as they head towards the coast of Tratvia with a new top secret weapon on board which is even top secret for them.
Have gone bang in The Navy Lark, the last of the current series written by Laurie Wyman and George Evans.

The Navy Lark - Series 15 - 09th November 1975 to 18th January 1976

Series 15, Episode 1: Sequel To The Talpinium Shell

Announcer: Michael Meech

Ladies and gentlemen we present The Navy Lark written by Laurie Wyman and George Evans and starring Stephen Murray, Leslie Phillips and Jon Pertwee.

[Phillips] Left hand down a bit.
[Pertwee] Left hand down a bit it is, Sir.
[Phillips] Steady. Steady at that. Ship on station, Sir.
[Murray] Good. Good man, Mr Phillips.
[Phillips] Gosh. That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
[Pertwee] Yeah, and probably the silliest. Here, Commander Murray Sir, I'm not happy about this test firing-m these Talpinium shells. It's a risk, Sir! I've seen 'em. They look horribly horribly omi-mini-mini-mini-mouse to me, Sir.
[Murray] Nonsense Chief, they look perfectly safe. You should be proud and honoured that Troutbridge has been selected to be the first ship for the trial firing. Proud and honoured. Now then, what are you?
[Pertwee] Proud and honoured. And just a tiny bit frightened to death, Sir.
[Phillips] You're a cowdy, cowdy custard, Chief. Oh it'll be alright. You take the word of Commander Murray's good man like me.
[Murray] Right gentlemen. This is it. Zero hour. All guns, fire!
[Phillips] Fire.
[Pertwee] F-f-f-fire!
(Raspberry and burp sound fx)
[Phillips] Gosh! These Talpinium shells are a lot quieter than our old ones. Which way did they go?
[Pertwee] They didn't, Sir.
[Murray] Mmm?
[Pertwee] They didn't come out of the barrel.
[Phillips] Perhaps they didn't like to? Because they know they're top secret.
[Pertwee] No I don't think so, Sir. They've jammed in the gun barrels and their little detonators are primed.
[Phillips] Ooh, nasty.
[Murray] Nonsense, Chief. Obviously, they're duds. Now you can take my word for it as Captain of the ship there's no danger at all.
[Pertwee] No, well, thank you, that's it. Lower the sea boats lads, Pertwee wants to paddle off.
[Phillips] Excuse me Commander Murray, Sir. But as your good man, if there's no danger why are our gun barrels swelling up and getting bigger?
[Pertwee] Pardon? Everybody down!
(Explosion fx)
[Pertwee] Man the boats. Pertwee first. Abandon ship, she's going down!
Theme Music
[Michael Meech] New readers start here. Afloat on a lonely ocean in a rubber dinghy.
Were blowing up H.M.S. Troutbridge in

Series 15, Episode 2: NANA

Announcer: Michael Meech

Ladies and gentlemen we present The Navy Lark written by Laurie Wyman and George Evans and starring Leslie Phillips, Jon Pertwee and Stephen Murray.

(Ship's hooter fx)
[Phillips] Gosh, that's something. At least our hooter still works.
[Murray] Mr Phillips, I haven't signed for the ship yet. Leave everything alone, don't touch!
[Phillips] Are you absolutely sure this ship is old Troutbridge? She doesn't look right.
[Pertwee] Don't Look right?
[Phillips] No.
[Pertwee] Well why not, Sir? She's painted grey, blunt at one end and pointed at the other.
[Phillips] Exactly. The old Troutbridge was blunt at both ends.
[Pertwee] Yeah. Thanks to your attempts to dock at high speed, she was.
[Murray] Course, that's what's bending his little bonce. If a ship isn't covered in dents, patches and temporary repairs she can't possibly be his.
[Phillips] I…I say what's this thing? Looks like a great big typewriter. This wasn't here before. Chief, give us a hand to move it, it's in the way.
[Murray] Leave it alone!
[Pertwee] Ye…eaar…agreed. Look P…p…Pertwee's not going nowhere near it until Pertwee knows what p…possity it's there for.
[Phillips] I say chaps have you noticed? There are two little push buttons. One each side. I wonder what they do?
[Murray and Pertwee] Ah, ah, ah, ah, ah. Don't touch!
[Phillips] N…Now, there's no need to shout. I was only going to give one of them a little push.
[Pertwee] That's probably all it needs to start World War Three and put us and our brand new un-bent boat into orbit.
[Phillips] If violets are red, and daffodils are blue, which one shall I push? You, or you?
[Murray and Pertwee] Ah, ah, ah, ah, ah. Don't touch!
[Phillips] That settles it. It's going to be you. What a bit of luck. Red's always been my favourite colour.
[Murray] Aaoh, no! Sound the alarm!
(Alarm fx)
[Pertwee] Run for your lives! Everybody Down!
Theme Music
Were being rude to their NANA in

Series 15, Episode 3: Helen, The New WREN

Announcer: Colin Berry

Ladies and gentlemen we present The Navy Lark written by Laurie Wyman and George Evans and starring Jon Pertwee, Stephen Murray and Leslie Phillips.

[Phillips] Steady at that, Chief.
[Pertwee] St…
[Phillips] No, no, no. No, no, no. No, I'm wrong. No, o-over that way a bit.
[Pertwee] Over this way a bit, Sir.
[Phillips] Yeah. Ah, ah!
[Pertwee] Ah, ah.
[Phillips] Where did that one come from?
(Crash FX)
[Murray] It was there all the time.
[Phillips] Serves him right for getting in my way.
(Ongoing Horn fx)
[Pertwee] Here, Mr Phillips, Sir. Sir!
[Phillips] What?
[Pertwee] Mr Phillips, Sir, ahead.
[Phillips] What?
[Pertwee] Ahead!
[Phillips] Head? I've got a he… No! Oh lummy. Lummy, another of them. Err a-ger yer err, err, go over the top.
[Pertwee] Eh?
[Phillips] Err, no, no. Umm, err, turn left in mid-air.
[Pertwee] Pardon?
[Phillips] Err, da, ah, wrong again. A… full astern both. Left hand down a bit.
[Pertwee] Everybody down!
(Crash FX)
[Phillips] Ship docked, Sir.
[Pertwee] Half way up Portsmouth high street, Sir.
[Murray] So I gathered. What's that hanging on the sharp end?
[Phillips] Yes. Who dumped that load of old firewood on our prow?
[Pertwee] Well two minutes ago it was a workman's hut on the dockyard, Sir.
[Murray] Oh. Well that's alright then. It's not Admiralty property.
[Pertwee] Oh even so, Sir. I still reckon Mr Phillips lost his no claims bonus.
[Murray] Yes, quite. He'll be on his usual trek to Captain Povey's office tomorrow morning to get Heather to fill in his accident form for him.
[Phillips] Ha, ha, ha, ha. Not likely. Tonight I'm getting on the end of that queue.
[Murray] Queue? What queue?
[Phillips] Ha, ha, ha. The one outside Captain Povey's office to see Captain Povey's new secretary.
[Pertwee] Oh. What happened to Heather then?
[Phillips] Well she's on leave. And from what I've seen of this new one, through her office window - with the aid of my binoculars - from three miles out, she's absolutely hu, ha, ha… corr!
[Pertwee] Stone me! Six to four he crashed us deliberately so he could meet the new bird.
[Murray] Yeah, be that as it may, new err birds err ah I mean young ladies err don't interest me. Hi… I'm just thankful to be back home at Portsmouth at last.
[Pertwee] At last? We've only been out for the day, Sir.
[Murray] It may be a day to you but being separated from my Rita-kins for all this time is a… is an eternity to me. Even now the poor dear'll be pacing the hall waiting to hear the sound of my footfalls on the gravel so she can rush to the front door, hurl it open, fling her arms round me and pledge her undying love. Huh, and then after a…a carefully balanced meal and a quick coffee it'll be up a little wooden hill to Bedfordshire.
[Pertwee and Phillips] Ha, ha, ha. Dirty old devil!
Theme Music
Have fallen victim to the green eye of jealousy in

Series 15, Episode 4: Relief For Station 150

Announcer: Colin Berry

We present The Navy Lark written by Laurie Wyman and George Evans and starring Stephen Murray, Leslie Phillips and Jon Pertwee.

(Hooter fx)
[Phillips] Hey, hey. Hey who did that? Who touched Loveable Leslie's hooter?
[Murray] I did Mr Phillips. I was bored.
[Pertwee] Well, really Commander Murray, Sir. That's no reason to go around touching other people's hooters.
[Murray] Gentleman I would ask you to cast your eyes around Portsmouth harbour and tell me what you see.
[Phillips] Erm. Eees. Quite a lot of water and, erm, a crane or two.
[Pertwee] Yeah and err, erm, an engine driver all in his piston, before he has a quick shunt.
[Murray] Exactly. The only ship of the entire Home Fleet in sight is Troutbridge. The rest of them are all out on a N.A.T.O. exercise, proving their worth.
[Pertwee] Yeah, good luck to 'em. Here I'm hoping to prove my worth tonight. Yeah with the barmaid at the Cockle's Head. Colossal Cleavage Clara. Ye-ha-ha-ha.
[Murray] Just for once Chief try to put your mind above such… err things. Don't you realise that because of this embarrassing situation with Troutbridge being ignored, it can only mean one thing. We're regarded as inefficient. And we all know whose fault that is. Don't we?
[Phillips] No.
[Pertwee] I think he means you, Mr Phillips Sir.
[Murray] Precisely Chief. Our navigational nana. Thanks to Ludicrous Leslie it can only be a matter of time before Troutbridge is broken up and turned into non-stick saucepans and I've lost my command.
(knock and door opening)
[Goldstein] Oh hello. I'm glad I found you in. Admiring the view, are you? Lonely isn't it?
[Murray] That'll do Goldstein. What do you want?
[Goldstein] Nothing. But Captain Povey does. He wants you, Sir, and your well known erm, he-he, he-he, Navigation Officer in his office a bit sharpish, and I wouldn't hang about because he was in a rotten mood when he gave me the message, a-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha.
Theme Music
Were freezing their assets in

Series 15, Episode 5: Black Is Beautiful

Announcer: Don Durbridge

Ladies and gentlemen we present The Navy Lark written by Laurie Wyman and George Evans and starring Leslie Phillips, Jon Pertwee and Stephen Murray.

[Pertwee] Ha-ha-ha. Stone Me! The Naval News is getting positively pornographic. Y-ha-ha, I'm happy to say. He-he. Here cop your beady little bardic eyes on this bumpy bird, Goldstein.
[Goldstein] Where, Chief?
[Pertwee] Goldstein, if I've got to tell you where, you Welshmen are more backward about ladies that are coming forward than I thought you were.
[Goldstein] Oh, her. He-he-he-he-he. Disgusting.
[Pertwee] Ye-he-he. Innit? Yeah. I like the headline. 'It all started with Nelson.' No wonder they call it the Naval News.
[Goldstein] Come on, Chief. Turn over the next page.
[Pertwee] Alright, if you insist-t-t-t.
[Goldstein] Oh! Welsh I may be, prude I'm not, but if my aunt Morpeth cast her eyeballs over that lot, her draws'd drop off.
[Pertwee] (Wolf Whistle) Here, with dark hair it could be, in fact could well be.
[Goldstein] I thought Chief Petty Officers preferred blondes or even redheads. Oh, no, no, no. No come to think of it their hair colouring is incidental, cause it's never their bonce they're looking at, is it?
[Pertwee] Look never mind that patriotic piece of pulchritude on page three, look here.
[Goldstein] Eh.
[Pertwee] Shift your peepers on to this gent on page five, here.
[Goldstein] Daoh. What's Mr Phillips doing with dark hair? 'First Sea Lord offers Two Hundred Pounds reward for information regarding his lost son. The son, Simon, disappeared from the home of Sir Geoffrey Wincanton-Barnes without trace 15 years ago and has not been heard of since.' Here, Chief do you think that Mr Phillips could possibly be…
[Pertwee] No, Goldstein. But I've got a feeling that provided he doesn't see the photo in the Naval News until I'm ready for him to have a butchers, and that'll mean naturally a certain confiscation of all ship's copies of same, then he'll be putty in Pertwee's paws. Now if I can persuade him to dye his hair black everybody will believe that he's the prodigal son.
[Goldstein] Why not just pinch his bottle of peroxide rinse?
[Pertwee] Nah that's no good. He'd only go out and buy another crate.
[Goldstein] He-he-he. He'll never dye his hair black. I know Mr Phillips is daft but he's not as daft as all that, Sir.
[Pertwee] Well he'd better cause I need that reward, vital.
[Goldstein] Why? Who's after you?
[Pertwee] Nunkie. He advanced me a hundred quid to hi-jack a lorry but the driver did the dirty on me. The rotten perisher didn't stop.
[Goldstein] He-he-he-he. Then you'd better give him his hundred quid back, hadn't you?
[Pertwee] I can't. I invested it on a slow horse. Yeah, that's why I've got to get my hands on this reward.
[Goldstein] Knotted little problem, isn't it? Either Mr Phillips darkens his hair and Nunkie gets his money or you get the wheeach, he-he-he-he.
Theme Music
Have been rejuvenating

Series 15, Episode 6: Stanley And The Stamp

Announcer: Don Durbridge

Ladies and gentlemen we present The Navy Lark written by Laurie Wyman and George Evans and starring Jon Pertwee, Stephen Murray and Leslie Phillips.

[Myrtle] Ebenezer Pertwee's War Surplus Emporium Ltd, can I help you Sir?
[Pertwee] Sir? Myrtle, use your peep holes, it's me, your mother's son, Jonsie.
[Myrtle] Oh.
[Pertwee] Here, is that unwashed heap of old clothes in residence?
[Myrtle] Have you an appointment, Sir?
[Pertwee] Look, don't try those posh-recepticles rubbish on me. Is the old fool in? He asked to see me.
[Myrtle] Oh alright, I'll find out if he's about. Nunkie! You've got a visitor!
[Nunkie] Is it the Inland Revenue, the law or the heavy mob?
[Myrtle] It's me mother's son, Jonsie.
[Nunkie] Is it? Tell him to say something so I can be sure it's not a trap.
[Myrtle] Say something.
[Pertwee] If you're not out of here in five seconds flat I'm coming into that dirty, filthy hell hole you call an office and jamming a bunch of fives down your scraggy old throat.
[Nunkie] That's Him
(whoosh fx)
[Nunkie] Watcha Jonsie boy. Here, I've got a deal for you.
[Pertwee] Good morning.
[Nunkie] There's money in it for you.
[Pertwee] Talk on.
[Nunkie] He-he-he-he. Thought that'd get you. Here, take a look at this stamp, and keep your filthy paws off it.
[Pertwee] Why?
[Nunkie] Because it's a three cornered cape haul from Nibblac, and in its un-used, mint condition it's worth a thousand quid on the continent. That means it's worth 150 quid to you, if you can smuggle it over there.
[Pertwee] Nunkie, philately will get you everywhere. Hu-ha-ha! Yes. There's just one small snag though.
[Nunkie] What's that?
[Pertwee] If C.P.O. Pertwee tries to take so much as a toothbrush ashore anywhere, the customs pull all the bristles out to check that he hasn't got an undeclared fag end hidden in the handle.
[Nunkie] Can't you get another member of the crew to smuggle it abroad for you? In something the customs won't pull apart?
[Pertwee] Well, like what?
[Nunkie] Well, there must be something in the shop.
[Pertwee] What?
[Nunkie] Err, here, gas stove.
[Pertwee] Nah.
[Nunkie] No, no it's a bit big. An aspidistra in a pot? No, no if he waters it he might ruin the stamp what's hidden in the earth. Here, got it. The very thing. Sydney.
[Pertwee] Pardon?
[Nunkie] Sydney! The ventriloquist's doll. Nobody'd want to pull Sydney to bits. It wouldn't be nice.
[Pertwee] Ah, come off it Nunkie, you're getting desperate. Who on board H.M.S. Troutbridge is fool enough, twit enough, clot enough, gullible enough and mug enough to go marching down the gangway clutching a half-bald, clapped out ventriloquist's dummy called Sydney?
Theme Music
Have been flowing their voices into

Series 15, Episode 7: Commander Murray Becomes A Showjumper

Announcer: Michael Meech

Ladies and gentlemen we present The Navy Lark written by Laurie Wyman and George Evans and starring Stephen Murray, Leslie Phillips and Jon Pertwee.

(ship's hooter fx)
[Pertwee] Whoop, whoop, whoop it is Mr Phillips, Sir! And may one ask-d-d-d why one blew one's siren like that-t-t-t?
[Phillips] Of course-t-t-t. One was merely checking if our captain, Commander Murray, was still awake.
[Pertwee] Well he must be, Sir. He's still standing stood upright.
[Phillips] Yes, I know what you mean because ever since we sailed he's been standing there looking like a chap who thinks he's about to solve his little problem, only to realise that he's in the ladies instead.
[Pertwee] Well it happens to each and all and everyone of us, Sir. (clears throat) Err, Commander Murray, Sir? (clears throat louder) Commander Murray, Sir?
[Murray] Mmm? Medicine duty, see the M.O. if it hasn't cleared up in two days.
[Phillips] Commander Murray, Sir. We thought you ought to know - that the ship's on fire!
[Pertwee] The davits for the lifeboats have jammed!
[Phillips] The engine room has blown up!
[Pertwee] The men have mutinied!
[Phillips] We're going down like a stone.
[Murray] Oh… good… carry on.
[Pertwee and Phillips] Commander Murray, what's wrong?
[Murray] Mmm? Oh, I'm sorry chaps. My mind was on somebody, uh, I mean something else.
[Phillips] Ha, ha, ha, ha. Sexy swine.
[Murray] Nothing of the sort. There's nothing wrong. (sobbing) I, I tell you there's, there's nothing. Yes, by Jiminy there is. (sobs)
[Phillips] Chief
[Pertwee] Sir?
[Phillips] He's cracked.
[Pertwee] No, Sir, no. Not potty, just upset.
[Murray] You don't know the torment of hell my soul's been through these last few days. Alright, I admit it. My marriage - is over. My dear wife, Rita-kins, I mean Mrs Murray, has found another man.
[Phillips] Lummie!
[Pertwee] Stone me!
[Phillips] Have you got proof?
[Murray] When you've been married for as short a time as Rita-kins, I mean Mrs Murray, and I have you don't need proof. There are, there are signs. Very definite signs. We haven't err, communicated in weeks.
[Phillips] Ooh, nasty!
[Pertwee] Err, may one ask, erm, who is the usurper who's cut your communications?
[Murray] It's the Naval Horseman of the Year, Gosport and South West Division. Lieutenant Commander, The Honourable Freddy Stanford-Johnson.
Theme Music
Have been riding to victory in

Series 15, Episode 8: Horrible Horrace

Announcer: Don Durbridge

Ladies and gentlemen we present The Navy Lark written by Laurie Wyman and George Evans and starring Leslie Phillips, Jon Pertwee and Stephen Murray.

(phone rings)
[Povey] Captain Povey's office, Captain Povey Speaking.
[Ramona] Ahh, so you are there. Good boy, just checking.
[Povey] Oh but Ramona, My love, where else would I be?
[Ramona] Galivanting around with your new secretary.
[Povey] Oh good grief, my love, surely you don't suspect that poor old WREN Barratt and I…
[Ramona] Poor old WREN Barratt nothing. When you left this morning, I followed you on my dear mother's bicycle and I saw you greet WREN Barratt at the dock yard gate.
[Povey] I never saw you, I…I mean if I had I'd have waved.
[Ramona] Hypocrite! You told me she was old and grey and waiting for her pension.
[Povey] But she is, my love.
[Ramona] No she is not, my love! She is what I would describe, in modern parlance, as a dolly budgie.
[Povey] Err, bird.
[Ramona] Don't quibble. And watch it! This very morning I just happened to be looking through the keyhole of my Ramona-paid-for bathroom door and I saw you putting a quick dab of me lavender water behind your ears.
[Povey] Ooh, that was an accident my love.
[Ramona] Was it? Well its not going to happen again because I've marked the bottle. And one more thing, don't attempt to leave your office to flaunt your sensual beefcake in front of that gal, because from time to time, Henry, I shall be making sporadic, spot checks.
(phone hangs up)
Theme Music
Have been confounding the ungodly in

Series 15, Episode 9: Officers And Gents' Lib

Announcer: Don Durbridge

Ladies and gentlemen we present The Navy Lark written by Laurie Wyman and George Evans and starring Jon Pertwee, Stephen Murray and Leslie Phillips.

(knocking)
[Pertwee] Mr Phillips, Sir? Mr Phillips, Sir? Are you there? Cooee. Mr Phillips, are you in there?
[Phillips] Err, yes, yes but you mustn't come in. I…I'm not decent.
[Pertwee] Oh! Oh well, ha-ha, ahem, sorry pardon I'm sure. I'll pop back later when you are, Sir.
[Phillips] No, it's alright now.
(door opening)
[Phillips] Err, sorry to keep you waiting, Chief. You can come in now.
[Pertwee] Oh, most kind, Sir. Just exactly what were you, um, I mean why couldn't I, I mean I know it's none of my, I mean when have you hidden the dolly bird, I mean stone the crows. Why was Pertwee kept hanging about outside your cabin door-hole, Sir?
[Phillips] Well, I hadn't got my jacket on and my braces were exposed.
[Pertwee] Oh I see. Not a pretty sight!
[Phillips] Well, they're quite nice really, I mean they're Womble braces.
[Pertwee] Pardon?
[Phillips] There's Uncle Bulgaria chasing empty crisp bags on the left brace, and on the right brace there's Orinoco Womble stuffing something curious into Wellington Womble's tidy bag.
[Pertwee] What a wonderful way you have with words, Sir. One can see the whole picturesque panorama unfolding itself over your shoulder blades.
[Phillips] Well, well you have to be quick, Chief, because I'm meeting Samantha at the west dock yard gates in ten minutes.
[Pertwee] Yeah well, I won't delay your little Billet Doux with WREN Barratt but, err, can you tell me, Sir, what is it I've done?
[Phillips] No, no. What is it you've done?
[Pertwee] No, no that's what I'm asking you, Sir. I mean why is it Commander Murray don't like Pertwee no more? Cause Pertwee ain't done nothing!
[Phillips] Well it's funny you should say that, Chief, because Commander Murray don't, I mean, err, doesn't like loveable Leslie too much either. Err, loveable Leslie ain't, I mean hasn't done nothing much either. I mean, did anything, err no I don't, no, done anything neither, I mean either, I mean eether, or do I?
[Pertwee] Quite, Sir! I've no Idea, Sir, but Pertwee, you and me wants to know why and the last week or two Commander Murray's been going round like a bear with a sore whatever it is.
[Phillips] Yes. Th..s..there's got to be a reason somewhere. Do you know, he even called me 'a rotten navigator.'
Theme Music
Have been burning their bras in

Series 15, Episode 10: The Case Of The HGM Mark 5

Announcer: Don Durbridge

Ladies and gentlemen we present The Navy Lark written by Laurie Wyman and George Evans and starring Stephen Murray, Leslie Phillips and Jon Pertwee.

(moving train fx)
[Phillips] Gosh! How clever of British Rail.
[Murray] What is, Mr Phillips?
[Phillips] Well, they way they've found a path in between the telegraph poles on that side and the trees on this side so they could put their track down.
[Murray] Positively brilliant.
[Phillips] I'm glad you both agree. They do say that if you can move your eyes from left to right quickly enough to count the telegraph poles flashing by you can tell the speed the train is going. Give or take a pole.
[Murray] Then why don't you keep on counting them and shut up?
[Povey] And what happens if there aren't any telegraph poles flashing by for you or the driver to count?
[Phillips] Oh, that's obvious. The train has stopped.
[Murray] Captain Povey, how much longer before this train reaches Waterloo?
[Povey] Oh, another 58 minutes.
[Murray] That's it. It…it it's too long. The idiot doesn't seem to realise that all our careers are at stake. And all due to him!
[Phillips] Alright then, alright. Just you tell me why, come on. Why?
[Murray and Povey] Your navigation!
[Phillips] Well it's easy for you to talk. Its not so easy out there at sea where there aren't any lampposts or telegraph poles to tell you how fast the ship is going.
[Murray] I think his last little epic was the cause of our train journey and presumably our dismissal from the service, Sir.
[Povey] Oh, you mean the saga of the Admiral's barge.
[Phillips] But that was his fault, um, I docked perfectly. How was Loveable Leslie to know that the Admiral had thoughtlessly left his little boat tied up in our berth before I parked?
[Murray] I'll never forget how the Admiral cried as he watched all that driftwood that was once his launch floating away down the harbour and out into The Solent.
[Povey] What piled agony upon agony was the fact that the Admiral's best uniform was in it.
[Phillips] I saved that. With a boat hook. Ha, ha. Didn't I?
[Murray] Oh, yes, you did that alright. And after it'd been dried out in the boiler room, I remember the admiral remarking that the only blasted sailor his suit would ever fit again was Donald Duck!
[Povey] Yes, Mr Phillips, thanks to you we'll all be in Civvy Street after our interview with the Admiral of the fleet Sir Hamish Percival-Percival.
Theme Music
Have been drowning their hummgrummit in

Series 15, Episode 11: Captain Wilberforce Pertwee

Announcer: Don Durbridge

Ladies and gentlemen we present The Navy Lark written by Laurie Wyman and George Evans and starring Leslie Phillips, Jon Pertwee and Stephen Murray.

(voices in background)
[Admiral] Oi. I'm the Admiral and this is my court of enquiry so shut your clattering cake holes! Oi! I'm talking so cork up. Anymore of this and I'll find Phillips guilty.
(silence)
[Phillips] Gosh, thanks chaps. I didn't know you cared.
[Murray] Well we don't really, but usually his next threat is to lock up the gin and that's serious.
[Admiral] Exactly. Right, as president of this court of enquiry I've listened to all the evidence, and blasted dull most of it was, but we have to wallow through the rubbish.
[Phillips] I'm innocent I tell you, I'm innocent. I'm innocent, as Noddy is my witness. I'm innocent. Innocent!
[Weatherby] I br… I brr… I brr… I brr um, brr…I brr…I brr…I don't remember, brr…I brr…I brr…I don't, I don't. Brr… I brr… I, brr…I don't, I don't' recall any of th, any of th, any of th (sings) dance, ballerina dance, I brr…I don't remember at all the the any, the any, the any, eh don't panic Weatherby, brr, take a rush at it, I brr…I brr…I don't recall hearing evi… evid… evid… evidence from a witness erm called nod… nod… nod… fl mm-fl mm-fl mm-fl called nod, n…n nod, n…n nod, n…n nod, dash dash, uble dash, oh to hell with it he…ble he…ble he…ble he'd have told a pack of lies anyway.
[Admiral] At last!
[Atchison] My, my feelings (sneezing) PRE-cisely.
[Admiral] Oh suffering seacats, Atchinson is off now. Ah, watch your hats everybody. His hayfever is at force nine this morning.
[Atchison] I, I, I do, I do, (sneezing) AH-pologise but we have heard the EVI-dence so, so let's have s… s… s… SIL-ence for the Admiral's con, con, con, uh, uh CONCLUSION!
[Povey] Good thinking, Captain Atchison. However, Admiral, I would like to…
[Admiral] You can't Povey, I'm talking, you'll have to wait.
[Povey] But, but it will be too late.
[Admiral] Oh, oh, oh very well. Off you go then.
[Povey] No, no, I mean it'll be too late for me to give my evidence if you sum up now. I haven't had a chance to speak.
[Admiral] Splendid, let's keep it that way. Now then after hearing all this waffle as to whether or not Sub-Lieutenant Phyllis, oh WREN Phillips or whatever it's blasted name is, hazarded Troutbridge by belting the living arc lights out of the Nab lighthouse, it's up to me to decide whether the blonde twit should be court marshalled.
[Phillips] I'm innocent I tell you, innocent. Innocent! By all that I hold dear, like my Donald Duck watch. I'm innocent. Innocent!
[Pertwee] Steady, Sir. Steady. It's the Admiral who will tell you if you're innocent or not. Not Mr D Duck.
[Admiral] Well thank Beatty's Braces somebody appreciates I'm blasted important. Now then, up to the last witness's evidence, the mob this side of this tatty table reckon the case was sown up. However, thanks to C.P.O. Pertwee's theory that the accident would never have happened if Edison hadn't built the lighthouse in the wrong place through bunging it at low tide instead of at high tide, so that it's about a hundred yards out of position, we've no alternative but to find Phillips not guilty.
[Phillips] That's not fair, I demand to be heard. I demand a fresh trial by twelve good men and… what did he say?
[Murray] He said you're not guilty, Mr Phillips. Thanks to the Chief, you've been proved innocent.
[Phillips] Well really. What a rotten waste of time. I told you all that three hours ago.
[Pertwee] There's none so grateful as those what can't see the wood for the dirty glass of the green house he shouldn't throw stones at.
[Murray] Quite. Err, I think. E…n Really, Chief, I must congratulate you on that tissue of, eh, err, your evidence. It's absolutely brilliant. You've certainly got an inventive mind, I…I'll give you that.
[Pertwee] Yeah, well possibly, Sir. Runs in the family you know? But compared with great, great grandfather Wilberforce Pertwee, my inventive mind is still on the drawing board. He weren't there but if he had been, he'd even have got Hardy off after he kissed Lord Nelson.
[Phillips] Lummy, I'd like to hear more about great great grandfather Wilberforce.
[Murray] Yeah, so would I.
[Admiral] Well I wouldn't so hop it the lot of you. Finish your chat about Pertwee's ghastly relatives outside. Great knows there are plenty of 'em. You know, if you dropped a couple of bob on the pavement, a new Pertwee'd crawl out from under the stone and grab it.
[Pertwee] Well!
Theme Music
Have been having a history lesson in

The Navy Lark - Silver Jubilee Edition 1977

The Jubilee Navy Lark

Announcer: David Bellan

Ladies and gentlemen we present a special Silver Jubilee edition of The Navy Lark written by Laurie Wyman and starring Stephen Murray, Jon Pertwee and Leslie Phillips.

You impetuous buffoons. Surely you realise that by letting the crew of H.M.S. Troutbridge loose in the midst of all these celebrations the BBC's made sure the one lasting memory of all the pomp and pageantry is going to be one of an utter muck up and shambles. Even Captain Povey doesn't realise it yet, but he's about to find out as he waters his Union Jack in his office vase and talks to it.
On behalf of Leslie Phillips, Jon Pertwee and Stephen Murray the BBC is sending the bill to Buckingham Palace for

Left Hand Down A Bit with Leslie Phillips - 13 May 2006

The Navy Lark - Left Hand Down A Bit

A three hour compilation of 6 episodes with links by Leslie Phillips

The Navy Lark - The Reunion 30th March 2009

The Navy Lark - The Reunion

Cast reunion broadcast on BBC 7 featuring June Whitfield, Leslie Phillips, Heather Chasen, Tenniel Evans and writer George Evans.